2012-02-14
Original: 2012-02-14 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): THE ONLY SURVIVORS OF THE BLAST WERE PEOPLE AT FRAT PARTIES.
Scientist (older man in lab coat, holding a paper): The only people who could withstand the radiation would be those who had recently drunk gasoline mixed with an energy drink. But... no such people exist... right?
Panel 2 (caption): A NEW CULTURE DEVELOPED ENTIRELY OUT OF THEIR VIRUS.
Flame-haired figure: Henceforth, the national sport shall be known as the national rhythm dance. It shall be repetitive wall-banging vibration, and the national band shall be the ping pong ball en route to the beer cup.
Panel 3 (caption): THERE WERE SOCIAL RULES.
First person: Johnny, it's only our first date!
Second person: So just the tip?
First person: Just the tip.
Panel 4 (caption): A LEGAL SYSTEM
Judge: On the basis that Steven did not drink Ashley's age in shots the first night, and Ashley did not make the traditional walk of shame, this marriage is hereby annulled.
Panel 5 (caption): A PRIESTLY CASTE
Priest: By the power of the Alpha and Omega, I pronounce what you and Brady did last night totally not gay.
Panel 6 (caption): EVEN A COSMOLOGY
Text in book: ON THE FIRST DAY THE LORD CREATED BROS. ON THE SECOND DAY HE CREATED HOS.
Panel 7 (caption): IT WAS THOUSANDS OF YEARS BEFORE HUMANITY ORGANIZED ITS FOOTING.
Robed figure: Truly, I believe the Earth revolves about the sun and not, as the ancients said, "Who gives a shit?"
Panel 8 (caption): BUT WE STILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEIR LEGACY.
Woman at a podium (presenter): We propose a sticker on every scientific textbook that reads "Dude, you could make a bong out of this."
Votey:
A shield/coat of arms (heraldic crest). On a banner across the top: E PLURIBUS BREWSKI! Below it, a white ping pong ball (drawn with motion lines) above a red Solo cup, all centered on the shield.
Scientist (older man in lab coat, holding a paper): The only people who could withstand the radiation would be those who had recently drunk gasoline mixed with an energy drink. But... no such people exist... right?
Panel 2 (caption): A NEW CULTURE DEVELOPED ENTIRELY OUT OF THEIR VIRUS.
Flame-haired figure: Henceforth, the national sport shall be known as the national rhythm dance. It shall be repetitive wall-banging vibration, and the national band shall be the ping pong ball en route to the beer cup.
Panel 3 (caption): THERE WERE SOCIAL RULES.
First person: Johnny, it's only our first date!
Second person: So just the tip?
First person: Just the tip.
Panel 4 (caption): A LEGAL SYSTEM
Judge: On the basis that Steven did not drink Ashley's age in shots the first night, and Ashley did not make the traditional walk of shame, this marriage is hereby annulled.
Panel 5 (caption): A PRIESTLY CASTE
Priest: By the power of the Alpha and Omega, I pronounce what you and Brady did last night totally not gay.
Panel 6 (caption): EVEN A COSMOLOGY
Text in book: ON THE FIRST DAY THE LORD CREATED BROS. ON THE SECOND DAY HE CREATED HOS.
Panel 7 (caption): IT WAS THOUSANDS OF YEARS BEFORE HUMANITY ORGANIZED ITS FOOTING.
Robed figure: Truly, I believe the Earth revolves about the sun and not, as the ancients said, "Who gives a shit?"
Panel 8 (caption): BUT WE STILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEIR LEGACY.
Woman at a podium (presenter): We propose a sticker on every scientific textbook that reads "Dude, you could make a bong out of this."
Votey:
A shield/coat of arms (heraldic crest). On a banner across the top: E PLURIBUS BREWSKI! Below it, a white ping pong ball (drawn with motion lines) above a red Solo cup, all centered on the shield.
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic, read top to bottom, narrating an absurd alternate history. Panel 1: a caption reads "The only survivors of the blast were people at frat parties." An older male scientist in a lab coat tells a worried red-haired colleague that the only people who could withstand the radiation would be those who recently drank gasoline mixed with an energy drink, adding "But... no such people exist... right?" Subsequent captioned panels show this frat-party culture building a civilization: "A new culture developed entirely out of their virus" (a flame-haired figure decrees the national sport is repetitive wall-banging vibration and the national band is the ping pong ball en route to the beer cup); "There were social rules" (a dating exchange ending in "Just the tip"); "A legal system" (a judge annuls a marriage because the couple skipped age-in-shots and the walk of shame); "A priestly caste" (a priest pronounces last night's act "totally not gay"); "Even a cosmology" (a holy book reading "On the first day the Lord created bros. On the second day he created hos"); and "It was thousands of years before humanity organized its footing" (a robed sage musing that the Earth revolves about the sun and not, as the ancients said, "Who gives a shit?"). Final panel, captioned "But we still have to live with their legacy": a woman at a podium proposes a sticker on every science textbook reading "Dude, you could make a bong out of this." The votey is a heraldic coat of arms: a gray shield with a banner reading "E PLURIBUS BREWSKI!" above a white ping pong ball (with motion lines) and a red Solo cup.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.