2011-09-09
Original: 2011-09-09 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): In the 21st century, psychological engineering became popular.
Politician (at a podium): A happy citizen is a productive citizen. So, sadness is BANNED!
Panel 2 (caption): Some people opposed it, but they turned out to be criminals.
Man with reddish hair: The anti-sadness law makes me sad.
Police officer: I'd be HAPPY to arrest you!
Panel 3 (caption): An underground psychology market developed.
Customer: How much for you to make me sad?
Dealer: 500 for 20 minutes.
Customer: I'd like to finish in tears...
Dealer: "Unhappy endings" are 200 extra.
Panel 4 (caption): A government campaign was created to transmute policy into ethics.
Man: Where'd you learn to be so sad, Betsy?
Woman (Betsy): I learned it from you, DAD!
Panel 5 (caption): To facilitate the change, a spectrum of emotions were identified as "gateway feelings."
Nervous man: It's just a little anxiety, officer.
Officer (with mustache): Law says that's okay for now. But if I catch you experiencing vexation in this neighborhood, your ass is MINE.
Panel 6 (caption): As jails became overcrowded, the powers that be were forced to rethink things.
Man: Ever since we jailed all sad people, government jobs are 99% vacant. Something has to change?
Panel 7 (caption): A new program was created.
Bald man: Vouchers will be issued for all in need. Those working in high impact fields such as telemarketing and DMV clerking will be allowed an almost infinite supply of malaise credits. You are now free to feel terrible!
Crowd: HOORAY!
Panel 8 (caption): There was an initial outpouring of bad emotions in reaction to the change.
Man with reddish hair: Dude! I got 100 vouchers! Let's get completely SADdened!
Other man: Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
Man with reddish hair: Most of the things you've ever done have already been forgotten.
Panel 9 (caption): But soon things were back to normal... if a bit slower.
Woman: I think we should break up.
Man (Sandy): But Sandy... I... oh, one sec... I need to check my account before I react to this.
Votey:
Man (Sandy, checking his account): I only have this passive-aggression voucher... so I guess you can leave me. WHATEVER.
Politician (at a podium): A happy citizen is a productive citizen. So, sadness is BANNED!
Panel 2 (caption): Some people opposed it, but they turned out to be criminals.
Man with reddish hair: The anti-sadness law makes me sad.
Police officer: I'd be HAPPY to arrest you!
Panel 3 (caption): An underground psychology market developed.
Customer: How much for you to make me sad?
Dealer: 500 for 20 minutes.
Customer: I'd like to finish in tears...
Dealer: "Unhappy endings" are 200 extra.
Panel 4 (caption): A government campaign was created to transmute policy into ethics.
Man: Where'd you learn to be so sad, Betsy?
Woman (Betsy): I learned it from you, DAD!
Panel 5 (caption): To facilitate the change, a spectrum of emotions were identified as "gateway feelings."
Nervous man: It's just a little anxiety, officer.
Officer (with mustache): Law says that's okay for now. But if I catch you experiencing vexation in this neighborhood, your ass is MINE.
Panel 6 (caption): As jails became overcrowded, the powers that be were forced to rethink things.
Man: Ever since we jailed all sad people, government jobs are 99% vacant. Something has to change?
Panel 7 (caption): A new program was created.
Bald man: Vouchers will be issued for all in need. Those working in high impact fields such as telemarketing and DMV clerking will be allowed an almost infinite supply of malaise credits. You are now free to feel terrible!
Crowd: HOORAY!
Panel 8 (caption): There was an initial outpouring of bad emotions in reaction to the change.
Man with reddish hair: Dude! I got 100 vouchers! Let's get completely SADdened!
Other man: Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
Man with reddish hair: Most of the things you've ever done have already been forgotten.
Panel 9 (caption): But soon things were back to normal... if a bit slower.
Woman: I think we should break up.
Man (Sandy): But Sandy... I... oh, one sec... I need to check my account before I react to this.
Votey:
Man (Sandy, checking his account): I only have this passive-aggression voucher... so I guess you can leave me. WHATEVER.
Alt text
A tall nine-panel SMBC comic, each panel topped by a narration caption. 1) A politician at a podium declares that since a happy citizen is a productive citizen, sadness is now banned. Caption: in the 21st century, psychological engineering became popular. 2) A man with reddish hair tells a police officer the anti-sadness law makes him sad; the officer cheerfully replies he'd be happy to arrest him. Caption: opponents turned out to be criminals. 3) In a dim back-alley deal, a buyer asks how much to be made sad; the dealer quotes 500 for 20 minutes, with "unhappy endings" 200 extra. Caption: an underground psychology market developed. 4) A man asks a woman, Betsy, where she learned to be so sad; she answers, I learned it from you, Dad. Caption: a government campaign transmuted policy into ethics. 5) A mustached officer warns a nervous man that a little anxiety is okay for now, but if he catches him experiencing vexation his ass is the officer's. Caption: a spectrum of emotions were tagged as gateway feelings. 6) A man notes that since all sad people were jailed, government jobs are 99% vacant and something has to change. Caption: jails became overcrowded. 7) A bald man announces a voucher program granting nearly infinite malaise credits to workers in fields like telemarketing and DMV clerking, freeing them to feel terrible; a crowd cheers Hooray. Caption: a new program was created. 8) The reddish-haired man waves vouchers, proposing to get completely saddened, then glumly tells his friend that most of what he's ever done has been forgotten. Caption: an initial outpouring of bad emotions. 9) A woman tells a man named Sandy she wants to break up; he stalls, saying he needs to check his account before reacting. Caption: things returned to normal, if slower. Votey: a close-up of Sandy, hand on chin, saying he only has a passive-aggression voucher left, so he guesses she can leave him, whatever.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.