2011-05-09
Original: 2011-05-09 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title (above the comic): HOW TO BE A CONSPIRACY THEORIST:
Panel 1 — Header banner: STEP 1: COLLECT INFORMATION
A man with long dark hair, sitting (apparently in a car or on a couch), speaking:
Man: Moon "landing." Land? The moon's not a LAND. It's a PLANET. Something's going on here, and I'm the only one who sees it!
Panel 2 — Header banner: STEP 2: FIND CONNECTIONS
Narration / the man's reasoning, with a blank white silhouette of a figure at right:
"Moon" has four letters. "Fore" is what you shout in golf. Golf was invented in Scotland. Scottish descendents created McDonald's. Donald is a cartoon duck, and you know who didn't duck in time? ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
Panel 3 — Header banner: STEP 3: BUILD A NETWORK OF CONNECTIONS SO VAST THAT THE REMOVAL OF ANY PARTICULAR LINK CAN'T AFFECT THE OVERALL STRUCTURE.
A silhouette of the man stands with arms raised in front of a chaotic yellow tangle of overlapping words. Centered large text: NO MOON LANDING. Surrounding scattered words include: HYPNOSIS, ELVIS, AREA 51, ANTICHRIST, DEATH RAY, BIGFOOT, THERAPY, MOON LANDING, OCHO (?), DIMENSIONAL, TEN, ASSASSIN, ELDER GODS, PARAPSYCHOLOGY, SECRET, ILLUMINATI, PSYCHIC SURGERY, OFZIO (?).
Panel 4 — Header banner: STEP 4: HAVING USED THOUSANDS OF DATA POINTS TO DISPROVE THE CONSENSUS, SUBSTITUTE YOUR UNSUBSTANTIATED SPECULATIONS.
The long-haired man faces another man (short hair, glasses, seen from behind).
Other man: So, what DID happen?
Long-haired man: Chinese shadow congress was hiding the Soviet-werewolf hybrid program.
Other man: How do you know?
Long-haired man: I got a hunch.
Votey:
Hand-drawn panel. Heading: PROOF THAT ELVIS IS ALIVE AND A WARLOCK?
Below, three stacked words connected by arrows showing letters rearranging:
ELVIS
(arrows)
LIVES
(arrows)
EVILS
Panel 1 — Header banner: STEP 1: COLLECT INFORMATION
A man with long dark hair, sitting (apparently in a car or on a couch), speaking:
Man: Moon "landing." Land? The moon's not a LAND. It's a PLANET. Something's going on here, and I'm the only one who sees it!
Panel 2 — Header banner: STEP 2: FIND CONNECTIONS
Narration / the man's reasoning, with a blank white silhouette of a figure at right:
"Moon" has four letters. "Fore" is what you shout in golf. Golf was invented in Scotland. Scottish descendents created McDonald's. Donald is a cartoon duck, and you know who didn't duck in time? ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
Panel 3 — Header banner: STEP 3: BUILD A NETWORK OF CONNECTIONS SO VAST THAT THE REMOVAL OF ANY PARTICULAR LINK CAN'T AFFECT THE OVERALL STRUCTURE.
A silhouette of the man stands with arms raised in front of a chaotic yellow tangle of overlapping words. Centered large text: NO MOON LANDING. Surrounding scattered words include: HYPNOSIS, ELVIS, AREA 51, ANTICHRIST, DEATH RAY, BIGFOOT, THERAPY, MOON LANDING, OCHO (?), DIMENSIONAL, TEN, ASSASSIN, ELDER GODS, PARAPSYCHOLOGY, SECRET, ILLUMINATI, PSYCHIC SURGERY, OFZIO (?).
Panel 4 — Header banner: STEP 4: HAVING USED THOUSANDS OF DATA POINTS TO DISPROVE THE CONSENSUS, SUBSTITUTE YOUR UNSUBSTANTIATED SPECULATIONS.
The long-haired man faces another man (short hair, glasses, seen from behind).
Other man: So, what DID happen?
Long-haired man: Chinese shadow congress was hiding the Soviet-werewolf hybrid program.
Other man: How do you know?
Long-haired man: I got a hunch.
Votey:
Hand-drawn panel. Heading: PROOF THAT ELVIS IS ALIVE AND A WARLOCK?
Below, three stacked words connected by arrows showing letters rearranging:
ELVIS
(arrows)
LIVES
(arrows)
EVILS
Alt text
A four-panel SMBC comic titled "How to be a conspiracy theorist:", each panel topped by an orange step banner. Step 1, Collect information: a long-haired man insists, "Moon 'landing.' Land? The moon's not a LAND. It's a PLANET. Something's going on here, and I'm the only one who sees it!" Step 2, Find connections: a chain of absurd leaps — "Moon" has four letters, "fore" is shouted in golf, golf began in Scotland, Scots founded McDonald's, Donald is a cartoon duck, and "you know who didn't duck in time? ABRAHAM LINCOLN" — beside a blank white figure silhouette. Step 3, Build a network of connections so vast the removal of any link can't affect the structure: his silhouette stands arms-raised before a sprawling yellow tangle of overlapping conspiracy words (Bigfoot, Illuminati, Area 51, hypnosis, death ray, Elvis, etc.) around a big central "NO MOON LANDING." Step 4, Having used thousands of data points to disprove the consensus, substitute your unsubstantiated speculations: a bespectacled man asks, "So, what DID happen?" He replies, "Chinese shadow congress was hiding the Soviet-werewolf hybrid program." Asked "How do you know?", he says, "I got a hunch." The votey is a hand-drawn panel headed "Proof that Elvis is alive and a warlock?" showing the letters of ELVIS rearranged by arrows into LIVES, then into EVILS.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.