2011-03-24
Original: 2011-03-24 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (red header text): "WE WANT TO END WHAT WE'RE NOW JUST A COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURES ROLLER SKATES."
Panel 2 (red header text): "AFTER 9, EVERY ONE THOUGHT THE MILITARY WAS THE PROBLEM. THEY DECIDED IT CONCERNED ROLLER SKATES OR-"
Panel 3 (man at a podium): "YOU NO LONGER USE 100% OPENING AND IMPLORE THEY KNEW THEY WERE. WHAT THEY WANT THEM?
YEAH, YOUR POLITICAL DOUBLESPEAK."
Panel 4 (header text): "YOU NO EDITORIAL WRITER ACCUSE CONGRESS OF FAILURE TO PROTECT THE TRACK."
Panel 5 (man at podium): "MAYBE IT SEEMS INSANE AND STUPID, BUT DO WE NOT FACE AN INSANE AND STUPID ENEMY? AN ENEMY WE CANNOT LET SKATE BY."
Panel 6 (header text): "A MEDIA PRESSURE MOUNTS. POINT OUT THE NUMBER OF JOBS CREATED IN EACH STATE."
Panel 7 (man at podium): "YOU INSANE, A RIDICULOUSLY CONVOLUTED SEQUENCE OF FACTORS, EACH BUILT IN A DIFFERENT CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT."
Panel 8 (header text): "CONGRESS WHO APPROVE ROLLER SKATES FOR EVERY PERSON IN UNIFORM."
Panel 9 (woman at podium): "AS I HAVE ALWAYS SAID, WE CANNOT LET HER SKATE BY."
Panel 10 (header text): "SOME TIME SOON, THERE WILL BE TROUBLE IN AFRICA, SOUTH AMERICA, OR THE MIDDLE EAST."
Panel 11 (woman at podium): "WE CAN'T PRONOUNCE HIS NAME, BUT HE CAN PRONOUNCE WAR A TERRORIST?"
Panel 12 (header text): "RE-SKATES ARE WORTHLESS ON ALL CONTEST TERRAIN, EVERY BATTLE WILL BE LOST."
Panel 13 (man, dark room): "WHAT DO YOU MEAN SKATES ONLY WORK ON DRY LAND? FUCK, SKATE HARDER!"
Panel 14 (header text): "CONGRESS WILL REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE FAILURE, WHICH WOULD MEAN GIVING UP THE SUNK COST OF MILLIONS OF ROLLER SKATES, MILLIONS OF VOTES."
Panel 15 (man at podium): "AMERICANS DO NOT BACK DOWN. THIS IS AN OBLIGATION. TEACH WHICH WE SHALL NOT DRAKE!"
Panel 16 (header text): "THE CYCLE WILL CONTINUE UNTIL NO MILITARY REMAINS."
Panel 17 (man at podium): "EVERYONE OUT THERE'S NO MONEY LEFT, AND WE'RE GONNA SHUT DOWN OUR THE THUG SIDE, BUT NATIONS WILL LITERALLY BE TRIPPED UP BY OUR ROLLER SKATE CARTEL. PRAISE BE TO ROLLER SKATES. PRAISE THE NATION."
Panel 18 (header text): "AND THE NECESSARY WILL BE PORTRAYED AS AN INFORMED CHOICE."
Panel 19 (man at podium): "GIVE ME A STATUS UPDATE ON THE ARMED FORCES."
Panel 20 (other man): "AMERICA HAS BEEN A NATION OF PEACE."
Panel 21 (man at podium): "AND THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM."
Panel 22 (woman with curly hair): "WHAT IF I JUST READ IN CONGRESS MYSELF... DON'T BE SO CYNICAL."
Votey: A man (the same flame-haired man from the strip) faces forward and declares in a speech bubble: "I PROMISE A DIRTY JOKE TOMORROW!"
Panel 2 (red header text): "AFTER 9, EVERY ONE THOUGHT THE MILITARY WAS THE PROBLEM. THEY DECIDED IT CONCERNED ROLLER SKATES OR-"
Panel 3 (man at a podium): "YOU NO LONGER USE 100% OPENING AND IMPLORE THEY KNEW THEY WERE. WHAT THEY WANT THEM?
YEAH, YOUR POLITICAL DOUBLESPEAK."
Panel 4 (header text): "YOU NO EDITORIAL WRITER ACCUSE CONGRESS OF FAILURE TO PROTECT THE TRACK."
Panel 5 (man at podium): "MAYBE IT SEEMS INSANE AND STUPID, BUT DO WE NOT FACE AN INSANE AND STUPID ENEMY? AN ENEMY WE CANNOT LET SKATE BY."
Panel 6 (header text): "A MEDIA PRESSURE MOUNTS. POINT OUT THE NUMBER OF JOBS CREATED IN EACH STATE."
Panel 7 (man at podium): "YOU INSANE, A RIDICULOUSLY CONVOLUTED SEQUENCE OF FACTORS, EACH BUILT IN A DIFFERENT CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT."
Panel 8 (header text): "CONGRESS WHO APPROVE ROLLER SKATES FOR EVERY PERSON IN UNIFORM."
Panel 9 (woman at podium): "AS I HAVE ALWAYS SAID, WE CANNOT LET HER SKATE BY."
Panel 10 (header text): "SOME TIME SOON, THERE WILL BE TROUBLE IN AFRICA, SOUTH AMERICA, OR THE MIDDLE EAST."
Panel 11 (woman at podium): "WE CAN'T PRONOUNCE HIS NAME, BUT HE CAN PRONOUNCE WAR A TERRORIST?"
Panel 12 (header text): "RE-SKATES ARE WORTHLESS ON ALL CONTEST TERRAIN, EVERY BATTLE WILL BE LOST."
Panel 13 (man, dark room): "WHAT DO YOU MEAN SKATES ONLY WORK ON DRY LAND? FUCK, SKATE HARDER!"
Panel 14 (header text): "CONGRESS WILL REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE FAILURE, WHICH WOULD MEAN GIVING UP THE SUNK COST OF MILLIONS OF ROLLER SKATES, MILLIONS OF VOTES."
Panel 15 (man at podium): "AMERICANS DO NOT BACK DOWN. THIS IS AN OBLIGATION. TEACH WHICH WE SHALL NOT DRAKE!"
Panel 16 (header text): "THE CYCLE WILL CONTINUE UNTIL NO MILITARY REMAINS."
Panel 17 (man at podium): "EVERYONE OUT THERE'S NO MONEY LEFT, AND WE'RE GONNA SHUT DOWN OUR THE THUG SIDE, BUT NATIONS WILL LITERALLY BE TRIPPED UP BY OUR ROLLER SKATE CARTEL. PRAISE BE TO ROLLER SKATES. PRAISE THE NATION."
Panel 18 (header text): "AND THE NECESSARY WILL BE PORTRAYED AS AN INFORMED CHOICE."
Panel 19 (man at podium): "GIVE ME A STATUS UPDATE ON THE ARMED FORCES."
Panel 20 (other man): "AMERICA HAS BEEN A NATION OF PEACE."
Panel 21 (man at podium): "AND THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM."
Panel 22 (woman with curly hair): "WHAT IF I JUST READ IN CONGRESS MYSELF... DON'T BE SO CYNICAL."
Votey: A man (the same flame-haired man from the strip) faces forward and declares in a speech bubble: "I PROMISE A DIRTY JOKE TOMORROW!"
Alt text
A tall black-and-white SMBC comic satirizing political and military rhetoric by substituting absurd "roller skates" for weapons/policy. It alternates between red header captions narrating a cynical political cycle and panels of politicians at podiums delivering doublespeak. A man at a podium insists, "Maybe it seems insane and stupid, but do we not face an insane and stupid enemy? An enemy we cannot let skate by." A woman at a podium echoes, "As I have always said, we cannot let her skate by." In a dark panel a man shouts, "What do you mean skates only work on dry land? Fuck, skate harder!" The narration explains that Congress will refuse to admit failure rather than abandon the sunk cost of millions of roller skates and millions of votes, and the disaster will be "portrayed as an informed choice." The strip ends with a politician asking for a status update and being told "America has been a nation of peace," framing endless escalation as the only way to change the system. Votey: A single panel of a man facing forward, mouth open, declaring in a speech bubble, "I PROMISE A DIRTY JOKE TOMORROW!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.