2011-03-17
Original: 2011-03-17 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1
Narration: It is strange brutha, ur computer you haven't touched ten years.
Computer: COME ON, BABY. YOU CAN DO IT...
Panel 2
Narration: The computer crash knows how long it's been. You can practically feel like it's a decade old.
Computer: WEIRD... WHY DOES MY COMPUTER LAG SO MUCH CRAPPY MUSIC? OH, OH RIGHT.
Panel 3
Narration: Like a puppy mad before going to boarding school, it still wants to do all the stuff you used to do together.
Computer: HERE'S THE PRON YOU WERE ILLEGALLY DOWNLOADING! CAN WE GET CRAZY? OH YAY CAN WE? CAN WE?!
Panel 4
Narration: Only it's worse at it, and you're less interested.
Computer: PLEASE WAIT. YOUR VIDEO WILL LOAD IN 15 TO 20 MINUTES.
Panel 5
Narration: Despite being a lifeless box, it provides you a snug blanket of nostalgia.
Computer: OH MAN! THESE ARE THE PHOTOS OF ME AND GULLY IN THE GRAND CANYON!
Panel 6
Narration: You copy everything you want, and now the old box is obsolete. Even its memories are no longer unique.
Panel 7
Narration: It wasn't conjured, but specialness is not a conserved quantity. Especially in the age of information.
Panel 8
Narration: And that is why no matter what nobody will ever be allowed to download my brain.
Computer: BUT WHY ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME LIKE THIS BEFORE YOU DIE?
Panel 9 (bottom-right)
Narration: Use it to give everyone the chance.
Votey:
A garbage truck (labeled "GARBAGE") drives away, shouting toward the man: "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU DID IN COLLEGE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Narration: It is strange brutha, ur computer you haven't touched ten years.
Computer: COME ON, BABY. YOU CAN DO IT...
Panel 2
Narration: The computer crash knows how long it's been. You can practically feel like it's a decade old.
Computer: WEIRD... WHY DOES MY COMPUTER LAG SO MUCH CRAPPY MUSIC? OH, OH RIGHT.
Panel 3
Narration: Like a puppy mad before going to boarding school, it still wants to do all the stuff you used to do together.
Computer: HERE'S THE PRON YOU WERE ILLEGALLY DOWNLOADING! CAN WE GET CRAZY? OH YAY CAN WE? CAN WE?!
Panel 4
Narration: Only it's worse at it, and you're less interested.
Computer: PLEASE WAIT. YOUR VIDEO WILL LOAD IN 15 TO 20 MINUTES.
Panel 5
Narration: Despite being a lifeless box, it provides you a snug blanket of nostalgia.
Computer: OH MAN! THESE ARE THE PHOTOS OF ME AND GULLY IN THE GRAND CANYON!
Panel 6
Narration: You copy everything you want, and now the old box is obsolete. Even its memories are no longer unique.
Panel 7
Narration: It wasn't conjured, but specialness is not a conserved quantity. Especially in the age of information.
Panel 8
Narration: And that is why no matter what nobody will ever be allowed to download my brain.
Computer: BUT WHY ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME LIKE THIS BEFORE YOU DIE?
Panel 9 (bottom-right)
Narration: Use it to give everyone the chance.
Votey:
A garbage truck (labeled "GARBAGE") drives away, shouting toward the man: "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU DID IN COLLEGE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Alt text
A tall, multi-panel SMBC comic, mostly dark green and black tones, showing a balding man at his old desktop computer. The narration frames an aging computer as a loyal, decrepit pet. The computer (an old CRT and tower) eagerly says it can still do everything, dredging up the man's old illegally downloaded files and asking to 'get crazy.' But it's slow now ('YOUR VIDEO WILL LOAD IN 15 TO 20 MINUTES') and the man is bored of it. It offers a 'snug blanket of nostalgia' with old photos. The man copies everything off it, making the old box obsolete and its memories no longer unique. Narration muses that specialness is not a conserved quantity in the age of information. The computer pleads, 'BUT WHY ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME LIKE THIS BEFORE YOU DIE?' The final beat: he'll use it to give everyone the chance. Votey: a black-and-white panel of a garbage truck labeled 'GARBAGE' driving off and yelling back at the man, 'YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I KNOW EVERYTHING YOU DID IN COLLEGE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' — the discarded computer's data going off into the world as trash that knows all his secrets.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.