2010-10-29
Original: 2010-10-29 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (narration banner): We cloned Hitler so we could punish him.
Woman with red hair: We gotta make him grow the mustache. I'm starting to feel guilty.
Panel 2 (narration banner): But without power, he was kind of a standard dickhead, instead of an evil dictator.
Clone of Hitler: Hey, clone Hitler... you put my beers in the fridge and they exploded.
A man (the narrator): I care, but will not offer to replace them!
Panel 3 (narration banner): After a while, we felt bad about the torture and let him go.
Man: Sorry we brought you into existence only to be reviled on sight by everyone you ever meet. Oh, and fun fact: there's a greeting card for everything.
(card text:) Sorry you're a Hitler clone / We hope that doesn't make you bitter
Panel 4 (narration banner): He tried several times to start a fascist revolt, but people today don't have the attention span.
Hitler clone: Roommate Andersen! We must rise against our inferiors!
Roommate: Yes! I'll start a blog immediately... tomorrow.
Panel 5 (narration banner): When he ran out of money, we got him a job in tech support, where we figured his depression and misanthropy would go unnoticed.
Hitler clone: No, idiot. I need TWO internets. One for me, and one for my dachshund.
(thought/skull image shown)
Panel 6 (narration banner): But after a few weeks, they figured him out.
Hitler clone: I have eliminated everyone on my list.
Coworker: Why does it sound so creepy when you say that?
Panel 7 (narration banner): He couldn't hold down a job, he couldn't make friends, and he had a hell of a time finding love.
(OkCupid profile shown:) OkCupid / Three things that describe me: / OUTGOING. / CONSIDERATE. / GENETICALLY IDENTICAL TO ADOLF HITLER.
Panel 8 (narration banner): Finally, he ended it all. Fortunately, as always in life, there was a clear and useful moral.
(at a graveside) Speaker: You can't judge a man by his genetics. Except sometimes kinda.
Votey: A handwritten card reads: "Sorry you're a clone of Hitler. Hope that doesn't make you bitter."
Woman with red hair: We gotta make him grow the mustache. I'm starting to feel guilty.
Panel 2 (narration banner): But without power, he was kind of a standard dickhead, instead of an evil dictator.
Clone of Hitler: Hey, clone Hitler... you put my beers in the fridge and they exploded.
A man (the narrator): I care, but will not offer to replace them!
Panel 3 (narration banner): After a while, we felt bad about the torture and let him go.
Man: Sorry we brought you into existence only to be reviled on sight by everyone you ever meet. Oh, and fun fact: there's a greeting card for everything.
(card text:) Sorry you're a Hitler clone / We hope that doesn't make you bitter
Panel 4 (narration banner): He tried several times to start a fascist revolt, but people today don't have the attention span.
Hitler clone: Roommate Andersen! We must rise against our inferiors!
Roommate: Yes! I'll start a blog immediately... tomorrow.
Panel 5 (narration banner): When he ran out of money, we got him a job in tech support, where we figured his depression and misanthropy would go unnoticed.
Hitler clone: No, idiot. I need TWO internets. One for me, and one for my dachshund.
(thought/skull image shown)
Panel 6 (narration banner): But after a few weeks, they figured him out.
Hitler clone: I have eliminated everyone on my list.
Coworker: Why does it sound so creepy when you say that?
Panel 7 (narration banner): He couldn't hold down a job, he couldn't make friends, and he had a hell of a time finding love.
(OkCupid profile shown:) OkCupid / Three things that describe me: / OUTGOING. / CONSIDERATE. / GENETICALLY IDENTICAL TO ADOLF HITLER.
Panel 8 (narration banner): Finally, he ended it all. Fortunately, as always in life, there was a clear and useful moral.
(at a graveside) Speaker: You can't judge a man by his genetics. Except sometimes kinda.
Votey: A handwritten card reads: "Sorry you're a clone of Hitler. Hope that doesn't make you bitter."
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic, each panel topped by a red narration banner, telling the story of a cloned Adolf Hitler trying to live an ordinary modern life. Panel 1: a red-haired woman says they cloned Hitler to punish him and feels guilty making him grow the mustache. Panel 2: without power he's just a standard annoying roommate complaining his beers exploded in the fridge; the narrator says he cares but won't replace them. Panel 3: a man apologizes for bringing him into existence to be reviled, and hands him a greeting card. Panel 4: the Hitler clone urges his roommate Andersen to rise up; the roommate enthusiastically says he'll start a blog tomorrow. Panel 5: working tech support, the clone demands two internet connections, one for his dachshund; a skull is shown. Panel 6: he tells a coworker he has 'eliminated everyone on my list,' who notes how creepy that sounds. Panel 7: his OkCupid profile lists three things describing him: outgoing, considerate, and genetically identical to Adolf Hitler. Panel 8: at a graveside, the moral is delivered: you can't judge a man by his genetics, except sometimes kinda. Votey: a handwritten greeting card reading 'Sorry you're a clone of Hitler. Hope that doesn't make you bitter.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.