2010-10-27

A chart titled "HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH WRITERS," laid out as a 3x3 color-coded grid. The columns are three kinds of writer: NOVELIST, POET, and SCREENWRITER. The rows are three effects you might want to produce: HOW TO ANGER, HOW TO DELIGHT, and HOW TO RUIN FOREVER. Each cell contains a sample line of dialogue. To anger: tell a novelist "Gee! You sure know a lot of adverbs!", tell a poet "I didn't like it. I mean, most of it didn't even rhyme," and tell a screenwriter "What a gutwrenching autobiography. Add a sexy vampire, and we'll option it!" To delight: tell a novelist "Everything in creation has been leading up to whatever you did most recently," tell a poet "You are this generation's last generation's T.S. Eliot," and tell a screenwriter "The producers want some adjustments to your magnum opus. So, you get an extra five percent!" To ruin forever: tell a novelist "Oh... your new book is made of sentences? I guess that's okay. I mean, it was good enough for everyone else," tell a poet "The important thing is that it makes sense to you," and tell a screenwriter "Turning 30-year-old TV shows into movies is anti-anti-establishment. So, it's double subversive." A footnote marked on the novelist-delight cell reads: "Anything short of this is an insult." Votey (aftercomic): a single panel of a grinning man leaning back at his desk, arms spread, declaring, "People don't read comics for pictures! They read for GIANT MOUNDS OF TEXT!" — a self-aware jab at the comic's own wall of text.