Darwinning
Original: Darwinning on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
A man standing on the shore (red-haired, in red swim trunks): YOU DARWINISTS WANT TO REDUCE HUMANS TO JUST BEING A SEX-OBSESSED APE WITH NO HIGHER PURPOSE.
A man in the water (dark-haired): WHAT? HOW IS THAT A REDUCTION?
Panel 2:
The man in the water (arms raised triumphantly): HUMANS HAVE BUILT SKYSCRAPERS AND PARTICLE COLLIDERS! WE'VE PLUMBED THE OCEAN FLOOR AND SAILED THE SEA OF STARS!
Panel 3:
The man in the water (fists clenched, grinning): THE MORE CRAPPY AND DEBASED AND UNSPECIAL OUR SPECIES TURNS OUT TO BE, THE MORE AMAZING THOSE ACHIEVEMENTS ARE!
Panel 4:
The man in the water (shown small, distant; the red-haired man's face in profile in the foreground): LOOK AT US! WE TOOK A SEX-OBSESSED APE BRAIN AND OVERCLOCKED IT UNTIL WE CONQUERED THE PLANET! IT'S LIKE FLYING TO JUPITER ON A UNICYCLE!
Panel 5:
The man in the water: IF YOU BELIEVE GOD WAS GUIDING THE WHOLE THING, YOU BELIEVE WE COULDN'T LIGHT A MATCH WITHOUT LOOPING IN THE CREATOR OF REALITY HIMSELF!
(Close-up of the dark-haired man's face, looking earnest.)
Panel 6:
The man in the water (the red-haired man now sitting on the shore): IF YOU BELIEVE EVOLUTION, EVERY PIECE OF EVIDENCE THAT HUMANS ARE A GLOB OF POINTLESS SLIME THAT OOZED OUT OF THE DARWINIAN SLURRY IS ANOTHER BRICK ON THE TOWER OF OUR GLORY!
Panel 7:
Close-up of the red-haired man's face, looking thoughtful/persuaded. (No dialogue.)
Panel 8:
A black panel with two white silhouettes standing in water.
The red-haired man: ARE YOU ACCEPTING CONVERTS?
The other man: JOIN US. MAY DARWIN SMILE UPON THE FITTEST 10% OF YOUR OFFSPRING.
Votey:
A simple black-and-white sketch of a man in the water turning to face the viewer.
Man in the water: WANNA MATE?
A man standing on the shore (red-haired, in red swim trunks): YOU DARWINISTS WANT TO REDUCE HUMANS TO JUST BEING A SEX-OBSESSED APE WITH NO HIGHER PURPOSE.
A man in the water (dark-haired): WHAT? HOW IS THAT A REDUCTION?
Panel 2:
The man in the water (arms raised triumphantly): HUMANS HAVE BUILT SKYSCRAPERS AND PARTICLE COLLIDERS! WE'VE PLUMBED THE OCEAN FLOOR AND SAILED THE SEA OF STARS!
Panel 3:
The man in the water (fists clenched, grinning): THE MORE CRAPPY AND DEBASED AND UNSPECIAL OUR SPECIES TURNS OUT TO BE, THE MORE AMAZING THOSE ACHIEVEMENTS ARE!
Panel 4:
The man in the water (shown small, distant; the red-haired man's face in profile in the foreground): LOOK AT US! WE TOOK A SEX-OBSESSED APE BRAIN AND OVERCLOCKED IT UNTIL WE CONQUERED THE PLANET! IT'S LIKE FLYING TO JUPITER ON A UNICYCLE!
Panel 5:
The man in the water: IF YOU BELIEVE GOD WAS GUIDING THE WHOLE THING, YOU BELIEVE WE COULDN'T LIGHT A MATCH WITHOUT LOOPING IN THE CREATOR OF REALITY HIMSELF!
(Close-up of the dark-haired man's face, looking earnest.)
Panel 6:
The man in the water (the red-haired man now sitting on the shore): IF YOU BELIEVE EVOLUTION, EVERY PIECE OF EVIDENCE THAT HUMANS ARE A GLOB OF POINTLESS SLIME THAT OOZED OUT OF THE DARWINIAN SLURRY IS ANOTHER BRICK ON THE TOWER OF OUR GLORY!
Panel 7:
Close-up of the red-haired man's face, looking thoughtful/persuaded. (No dialogue.)
Panel 8:
A black panel with two white silhouettes standing in water.
The red-haired man: ARE YOU ACCEPTING CONVERTS?
The other man: JOIN US. MAY DARWIN SMILE UPON THE FITTEST 10% OF YOUR OFFSPRING.
Votey:
A simple black-and-white sketch of a man in the water turning to face the viewer.
Man in the water: WANNA MATE?
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic, mostly set at a body of water where a dark-haired man treads water and a red-haired man stands or sits on the shore. The red-haired man complains that Darwinists reduce humans to a sex-obsessed ape with no higher purpose. The swimmer cheerfully argues the opposite: humans built skyscrapers and particle colliders, plumbed the ocean and sailed to the stars, and the crappier and more unspecial our species turns out to be, the MORE amazing those achievements are. He says we took a sex-obsessed ape brain and overclocked it until we conquered the planet, 'like flying to Jupiter on a unicycle.' He contrasts believing God guided everything (we couldn't light a match without the Creator) with believing evolution (every bit of evidence that humans are pointless slime from the Darwinian slurry is another brick on the tower of our glory). The red-haired man's face shows him won over. In the final black panel, two white silhouettes stand in water; the convert asks 'Are you accepting converts?' and the swimmer replies, 'Join us. May Darwin smile upon the fittest 10% of your offspring.' Votey: a rough sketch of the swimmer turning to the viewer and saying 'Wanna mate?'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.