science-2
Original: science-2 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title: THINGS I'D LIKE TO SEE WRITTEN IN SCIENTIFIC PAPERS
A list of text boxes, each containing a fictional candid line from a scientific paper:
ABSTRACT: JUST READ THE INTRODUCTION AND IMAGINE THERE'S LESS INFORMATION AND A FEW ARBITRARY GRAMMATICAL CHANGES.
THE WORD "COUNTERINTUITIVE" IS USED HERE STRICTLY IN ORDER TO SECURE ACCESS TO A HIGHER-TIER JOURNAL.
THE THIRD AUTHOR ON THIS PUBLICATION KNOWS NOTHING AND REPEATEDLY SLOWED DOWN PROGRESS, BUT IF I DON'T MENTION HIM THERE WILL BE OFFICE POLITICS.
THIS PAPER WAS WRITTEN ONLY TO PAD MEDIA ATTENTION FOLLOWING PURPORTED DOGMA THAT THE FIELD IN FACT LEFT BEHIND SEVERAL DECADES AGO.
PREVIOUS WORK IN THIS FIELD WAS BEEN HAMPERED BY FRANK. YES, YOU KNOW THE ONE. I'M TALKING ABOUT WITH YOU, FRANK.
I WILL BE EXCLUSIVELY CITING PAPERS FROM THE TWO YEARS OF MY POST-DOCTORAL STUDIES, DURING WHICH TIME ALL FUNDAMENTAL TRUTH WAS REVEALED TO ME.
THIS MATHEMATICAL MODEL ADDS NOTHING BUT GOT THE PAPER PAST A REVIEWER WHO THINKS HE'S GOOD AT PROGRAMMING.
DON'T JUST LOOK AT THE GRAPHS. THIS WHOLE SECTION OF TEXT WE BEING WRITTEN IN THE GRAPHS.
A LIST OF STATISTICAL ANALYSES THAT FAILED TO RETURN AN INTERESTING FINDING IS AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST.
FURTHER RESEARCH IS POINTLESS BECAUSE THIS PAPER IS THE LAST FUCKING WORD. MY COMMAND OF THE FACTS IS COMPREHENSIVE AND THIS ATTEMPTING TO SUPPLANT BECAUSE THE THEORY IS AUSTERE CRYSTALLINE PERFECTION.
Votey:
THE SENIOR AUTHOR ON THIS PAPER HAS NOT BEEN SEEN IN SEVERAL DECADES, BUT IF WE LEAVE HIS NAME OFF THE PAPER HE WILL APPEAR IN HIS OFFICE LIKE AN ANCIENT WIZARD SUMMONED FROM FARAWAY LANDS.
A list of text boxes, each containing a fictional candid line from a scientific paper:
ABSTRACT: JUST READ THE INTRODUCTION AND IMAGINE THERE'S LESS INFORMATION AND A FEW ARBITRARY GRAMMATICAL CHANGES.
THE WORD "COUNTERINTUITIVE" IS USED HERE STRICTLY IN ORDER TO SECURE ACCESS TO A HIGHER-TIER JOURNAL.
THE THIRD AUTHOR ON THIS PUBLICATION KNOWS NOTHING AND REPEATEDLY SLOWED DOWN PROGRESS, BUT IF I DON'T MENTION HIM THERE WILL BE OFFICE POLITICS.
THIS PAPER WAS WRITTEN ONLY TO PAD MEDIA ATTENTION FOLLOWING PURPORTED DOGMA THAT THE FIELD IN FACT LEFT BEHIND SEVERAL DECADES AGO.
PREVIOUS WORK IN THIS FIELD WAS BEEN HAMPERED BY FRANK. YES, YOU KNOW THE ONE. I'M TALKING ABOUT WITH YOU, FRANK.
I WILL BE EXCLUSIVELY CITING PAPERS FROM THE TWO YEARS OF MY POST-DOCTORAL STUDIES, DURING WHICH TIME ALL FUNDAMENTAL TRUTH WAS REVEALED TO ME.
THIS MATHEMATICAL MODEL ADDS NOTHING BUT GOT THE PAPER PAST A REVIEWER WHO THINKS HE'S GOOD AT PROGRAMMING.
DON'T JUST LOOK AT THE GRAPHS. THIS WHOLE SECTION OF TEXT WE BEING WRITTEN IN THE GRAPHS.
A LIST OF STATISTICAL ANALYSES THAT FAILED TO RETURN AN INTERESTING FINDING IS AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST.
FURTHER RESEARCH IS POINTLESS BECAUSE THIS PAPER IS THE LAST FUCKING WORD. MY COMMAND OF THE FACTS IS COMPREHENSIVE AND THIS ATTEMPTING TO SUPPLANT BECAUSE THE THEORY IS AUSTERE CRYSTALLINE PERFECTION.
Votey:
THE SENIOR AUTHOR ON THIS PAPER HAS NOT BEEN SEEN IN SEVERAL DECADES, BUT IF WE LEAVE HIS NAME OFF THE PAPER HE WILL APPEAR IN HIS OFFICE LIKE AN ANCIENT WIZARD SUMMONED FROM FARAWAY LANDS.
Alt text
A comic titled "THINGS I'D LIKE TO SEE WRITTEN IN SCIENTIFIC PAPERS," laid out as a column of plain text boxes, each a brutally honest line a scientist might secretly want to publish. Examples: an Abstract reading "Just read the introduction and imagine there's less information and a few arbitrary grammatical changes"; "The word 'counterintuitive' is used here strictly in order to secure access to a higher-tier journal"; a note that the third author knows nothing and slowed progress but must be credited to avoid office politics; an admission a paper was written only to pad media attention; "Previous work in this field has been hampered by Frank. Yes, you know the one. I'm talking about you, Frank"; a confession a mathematical model adds nothing but appeased a reviewer who thinks he's good at programming; and a grandiose closing line declaring further research pointless because "this paper is the last fucking word." The votey adds a final box: "The senior author on this paper has not been seen in several decades, but if we leave his name off the paper he will appear in his office like an ancient wizard summoned from faraway lands."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.