paris
Original: paris on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A young man in a Phrygian cap (Paris) stands at left; three women stand at right.
Paris: Paris! Say which of us is most beautiful.
Panel 2: Paris looks unimpressed.
Paris: Come on, this is stupid.
A woman (Hera): Hera. You're the angry wife goddess. Pass.
Panel 3:
Paris: Athena. You exploded out of a dude's head one time AND you're currently wielding a spear at me.
Panel 4:
Paris: And gee, over here it's Aphrodite, goddess of hotness and boinking.
Panel 5: The spear-wielding goddess (Athena).
Athena: A little, yes.
Panel 6:
Hera: Pick me and you can rule Europe and Asia!
Panel 7:
Athena: Pick me and I will give you wisdom!
Panel 8: Paris, exasperated.
Paris: Are these serious proposals? Are you even trying?
Panel 9:
Aphrodite: Pick me and I'll wingwoman you the hottest girl in creation.
Paris (aside): Geez? You see that? How is this even a myth?
Votey:
A helmeted figure (Athena) speaks to a hooded, melancholy figure.
Athena: You could've used the wisdom to get sex.
Paris (offscreen, from a speech bubble): DAMMIT!
Paris: Paris! Say which of us is most beautiful.
Panel 2: Paris looks unimpressed.
Paris: Come on, this is stupid.
A woman (Hera): Hera. You're the angry wife goddess. Pass.
Panel 3:
Paris: Athena. You exploded out of a dude's head one time AND you're currently wielding a spear at me.
Panel 4:
Paris: And gee, over here it's Aphrodite, goddess of hotness and boinking.
Panel 5: The spear-wielding goddess (Athena).
Athena: A little, yes.
Panel 6:
Hera: Pick me and you can rule Europe and Asia!
Panel 7:
Athena: Pick me and I will give you wisdom!
Panel 8: Paris, exasperated.
Paris: Are these serious proposals? Are you even trying?
Panel 9:
Aphrodite: Pick me and I'll wingwoman you the hottest girl in creation.
Paris (aside): Geez? You see that? How is this even a myth?
Votey:
A helmeted figure (Athena) speaks to a hooded, melancholy figure.
Athena: You could've used the wisdom to get sex.
Paris (offscreen, from a speech bubble): DAMMIT!
Alt text
A nine-panel SMBC comic retelling the Judgment of Paris. A young man in a Phrygian cap, Paris, is asked to judge which of three goddesses is most beautiful. He calls the contest stupid and dismisses each in turn: Hera is 'the angry wife goddess,' Athena 'exploded out of a dude's head one time' and is currently pointing a spear at him, and Aphrodite is the 'goddess of hotness and boinking' (she confirms, 'A little, yes'). The goddesses then bribe him: Hera offers rule over Europe and Asia, Athena offers wisdom, and Aphrodite offers to wingwoman him the hottest girl in creation. Paris, exasperated by the offers, mutters, 'How is this even a myth?' Votey: A helmeted Athena tells a hooded, slumped figure, 'You could've used the wisdom to get sex,' and Paris yells from offscreen, 'DAMMIT!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.