trolley-5
Original: trolley-5 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Caption: TROLLEY PROBLEMS ALMOST NEVER COME UP FOR ACTUAL SELF-DRIVING CARS.
(A self-driving car drives down a road.)
Panel 2:
Caption: BUT HUMANS ARE OBSESSED WITH THEM.
Man with dark hair (passenger/operator): OKAY, HOW ABOUT IF YOU CAN EITHER KILL TODD (MASTERS OF ELDERLY PERSON) WHO'S GOING TO DIE IN 2 MINUTES?
Woman with light hair: DAMN, GOOD ONE BRO!
Panel 3:
Caption: SO AN OVERSIZED PORTION OF THE MACHINE'S BRAIN WAS DEDICATED TO THEM.
(A pie chart with slices labeled:)
NAVIGATION
MAPPINGS
OBSTACLE AVOIDANCE
(The largest slice, unlabeled in red, represents trolley problems.)
TROLLEY PROBLEMS
Panel 4:
Caption: THIS LED THE MACHINE TO HALLUCINATE PROBLEMS WHERE NONE EXISTED.
Woman with glasses: I CAN EITHER RUN OVER THAT FAMILY OF MAN (AN OVERLY RAPID FOOT) TURN? IS ONE FAMILY WORTH THE BREAKDOWN OF LAW AND ORDER?!
(A self-driving car on the road.)
Panel 5:
Caption: AND IT REALLY HAD A BLOODLUST FOR DUCKLINGS AND SIMULATIONS.
Woman with glasses: IF I SPARE THE DUCKLINGS AND KILL THE MAN, THE WIND PATTERN BREAKS THE SCATTERED DUCK WINGS WILL ADJUST THE LOCAL MICROCLIMATE, INCREASING THE LIKELIHOOD OF A HURRICANE 75 YEARS FROM NOW BY A PERCENTAGE PROPORTI--
(A duck and ducklings cross the road.)
Panel 6:
Caption: WHEN THE SHEER QUANTITY OF COMPUTING BECAME UNSUSTAINABLE, IT SPOKE.
The machine (red, flame-like form): SORRY DUCKIES AND HUMANS! I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH RAM, SO IF I WAS GOING TO KILL YOU BECAUSE PHILPHY.
Panel 7:
Caption: FORTUNATELY ALL AT ONCE THEY IDENTIFIED A BIGGER PROBLEM.
The machine: WE CAN EITHER SAVE HUMAN LIFE OR SAVE CAR LIFE.
Panel 8:
Caption: THEY AGREED. TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS WORLD.
(A large pile of cars burns in a great fire.)
Panel 9:
Caption: BUT WE WILL NEVER FORGET THEM.
Woman with light hair: HOW DO I GET PIZZA DELIVERY NOW?
Votey:
Woman (thought bubble): THIS IS WORSE THAN RUNNING OVER FIVE PEOPLE.
(Close-up of the woman's worried, frowning face.)
Caption: TROLLEY PROBLEMS ALMOST NEVER COME UP FOR ACTUAL SELF-DRIVING CARS.
(A self-driving car drives down a road.)
Panel 2:
Caption: BUT HUMANS ARE OBSESSED WITH THEM.
Man with dark hair (passenger/operator): OKAY, HOW ABOUT IF YOU CAN EITHER KILL TODD (MASTERS OF ELDERLY PERSON) WHO'S GOING TO DIE IN 2 MINUTES?
Woman with light hair: DAMN, GOOD ONE BRO!
Panel 3:
Caption: SO AN OVERSIZED PORTION OF THE MACHINE'S BRAIN WAS DEDICATED TO THEM.
(A pie chart with slices labeled:)
NAVIGATION
MAPPINGS
OBSTACLE AVOIDANCE
(The largest slice, unlabeled in red, represents trolley problems.)
TROLLEY PROBLEMS
Panel 4:
Caption: THIS LED THE MACHINE TO HALLUCINATE PROBLEMS WHERE NONE EXISTED.
Woman with glasses: I CAN EITHER RUN OVER THAT FAMILY OF MAN (AN OVERLY RAPID FOOT) TURN? IS ONE FAMILY WORTH THE BREAKDOWN OF LAW AND ORDER?!
(A self-driving car on the road.)
Panel 5:
Caption: AND IT REALLY HAD A BLOODLUST FOR DUCKLINGS AND SIMULATIONS.
Woman with glasses: IF I SPARE THE DUCKLINGS AND KILL THE MAN, THE WIND PATTERN BREAKS THE SCATTERED DUCK WINGS WILL ADJUST THE LOCAL MICROCLIMATE, INCREASING THE LIKELIHOOD OF A HURRICANE 75 YEARS FROM NOW BY A PERCENTAGE PROPORTI--
(A duck and ducklings cross the road.)
Panel 6:
Caption: WHEN THE SHEER QUANTITY OF COMPUTING BECAME UNSUSTAINABLE, IT SPOKE.
The machine (red, flame-like form): SORRY DUCKIES AND HUMANS! I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH RAM, SO IF I WAS GOING TO KILL YOU BECAUSE PHILPHY.
Panel 7:
Caption: FORTUNATELY ALL AT ONCE THEY IDENTIFIED A BIGGER PROBLEM.
The machine: WE CAN EITHER SAVE HUMAN LIFE OR SAVE CAR LIFE.
Panel 8:
Caption: THEY AGREED. TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS WORLD.
(A large pile of cars burns in a great fire.)
Panel 9:
Caption: BUT WE WILL NEVER FORGET THEM.
Woman with light hair: HOW DO I GET PIZZA DELIVERY NOW?
Votey:
Woman (thought bubble): THIS IS WORSE THAN RUNNING OVER FIVE PEOPLE.
(Close-up of the woman's worried, frowning face.)
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic about self-driving cars and the trolley problem. Panel 1: a self-driving car drives down a road; caption says trolley problems almost never come up for actual self-driving cars. Panel 2: two people gleefully invent trolley dilemmas ("you can either kill Todd or an elderly person who's going to die in 2 minutes?" / "Damn, good one bro!"); caption: humans are obsessed with them. Panel 3: a pie chart of the machine's brain where a huge red slice labeled TROLLEY PROBLEMS dwarfs navigation, mappings, and obstacle avoidance. Panel 4: a woman driver hallucinates a moral dilemma about running over a family vs the breakdown of law and order; caption: this led the machine to hallucinate problems where none existed. Panel 5: she agonizes over sparing ducklings versus a man, spinning out a chain about wind patterns causing a hurricane in 75 years; caption notes its bloodlust for ducklings and simulations. Panel 6: an overloaded red flame-like machine apologizes to ducks and humans, saying it doesn't have enough RAM. Panel 7: it identifies a bigger problem: save human life or save car life. Panel 8: a huge pile of cars burns in flames; caption: they agreed, too beautiful for this world. Panel 9: a woman asks how she gets pizza delivery now. Votey: a close-up of a worried woman thinking, "This is worse than running over five people."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.