the-end-of-history
Original: the-end-of-history on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (a man at a podium):
Speaker: We're both tired of war.
Panel 2 (the same speaker at the podium):
Speaker: Look, let's stop war here. Making so complicated that diplomats are perplexed.
Speaker: The bond-deepening was not technically "institution" so that many of the diplomats were not people we feel mostly toward.
Panel 3 (a woman):
Woman: So we came up with a simple law.
Woman: From now on, all conflicts will be settled un-charmingly: single combat between the top-ranking leaders of each nation involved.
Panel 4 (a man with white hair):
Narration: We instituted a few special means by which to bring the president to our position.
Man: Chicken-chicken-chicken-chicken-chicken.
Other man: Buck-buck-bu-gawk!
Man: ...you're, chicken-chicken chicken.
Panel 5 (men talking near a man in robes):
Narration: Creating a sort of game theory of leadership.
First man: You know, now that I think about it, I don't even know where Afghanistan is.
Second man: Just being real here, sometimes I think that I just thought I was a representative person.
Third man: Let's all just go do something together then.
Panel 6 (a long-haired bearded man, shirtless):
Narration: For example, the new prime minister of Canada.
Man: Thank you. In lieu of the usual inauguration speech, I shall be flexing my pecs in time with Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.
Panel 7 (world leaders watching):
Narration: The world's leaders looked on in awe and terror.
Sound effect: BUM-BUM-BUM-BUMMM...
Panel 8 (a stylized map of Canada):
Sound effect: BUM-BUM BUM BUMMMM.
Map label: Gender-queer Canada
Panel 9 (the bearded man flexing, holding a flag):
Narration: A new sort of leader was called for.
Man: It's a good thing Canada has universal healthcare, because they're gonna feel this super-hard from here to the Yukon.
Panel 10 (the bearded man's face, anguished):
Narration: Until the economic crisis of 2034 produced superhero economics.
Man: I AM THE PRIME MINISTER OF PORTUGAL AND OF BRAAAAAAAAAINS!
Panel 11 (figures in a boxing ring):
Narration: Producing all of the most telegenic and elegant violence in recent memory.
Panel 12 (the bearded man flexing again):
Narration: One-world government was achieved via an inverted double over-hook powerbomb.
Sound effect: BUM-BUM-BUM-BUMMM
Panel 13 (two figures talking):
Narration: It's not a perfect way to run the planet, but the strength is just incredible.
Woman: I've been thinking of overthrowing the government.
Man: Weighted squats, bro. It's the only way.
Panel 14 (small final beat):
Label: ECH NEVERMIND
Votey:
Text (handwritten): If you oppose oppose oppose the system, then they, then oppose oppose transparency.
Speaker: We're both tired of war.
Panel 2 (the same speaker at the podium):
Speaker: Look, let's stop war here. Making so complicated that diplomats are perplexed.
Speaker: The bond-deepening was not technically "institution" so that many of the diplomats were not people we feel mostly toward.
Panel 3 (a woman):
Woman: So we came up with a simple law.
Woman: From now on, all conflicts will be settled un-charmingly: single combat between the top-ranking leaders of each nation involved.
Panel 4 (a man with white hair):
Narration: We instituted a few special means by which to bring the president to our position.
Man: Chicken-chicken-chicken-chicken-chicken.
Other man: Buck-buck-bu-gawk!
Man: ...you're, chicken-chicken chicken.
Panel 5 (men talking near a man in robes):
Narration: Creating a sort of game theory of leadership.
First man: You know, now that I think about it, I don't even know where Afghanistan is.
Second man: Just being real here, sometimes I think that I just thought I was a representative person.
Third man: Let's all just go do something together then.
Panel 6 (a long-haired bearded man, shirtless):
Narration: For example, the new prime minister of Canada.
Man: Thank you. In lieu of the usual inauguration speech, I shall be flexing my pecs in time with Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.
Panel 7 (world leaders watching):
Narration: The world's leaders looked on in awe and terror.
Sound effect: BUM-BUM-BUM-BUMMM...
Panel 8 (a stylized map of Canada):
Sound effect: BUM-BUM BUM BUMMMM.
Map label: Gender-queer Canada
Panel 9 (the bearded man flexing, holding a flag):
Narration: A new sort of leader was called for.
Man: It's a good thing Canada has universal healthcare, because they're gonna feel this super-hard from here to the Yukon.
Panel 10 (the bearded man's face, anguished):
Narration: Until the economic crisis of 2034 produced superhero economics.
Man: I AM THE PRIME MINISTER OF PORTUGAL AND OF BRAAAAAAAAAINS!
Panel 11 (figures in a boxing ring):
Narration: Producing all of the most telegenic and elegant violence in recent memory.
Panel 12 (the bearded man flexing again):
Narration: One-world government was achieved via an inverted double over-hook powerbomb.
Sound effect: BUM-BUM-BUM-BUMMM
Panel 13 (two figures talking):
Narration: It's not a perfect way to run the planet, but the strength is just incredible.
Woman: I've been thinking of overthrowing the government.
Man: Weighted squats, bro. It's the only way.
Panel 14 (small final beat):
Label: ECH NEVERMIND
Votey:
Text (handwritten): If you oppose oppose oppose the system, then they, then oppose oppose transparency.
Alt text
A tall, multi-panel SMBC comic about world leaders replacing war and diplomacy with absurd physical rituals. A man at a podium explains that everyone is tired of war and that overly complicated diplomacy left people feeling hostile, so a simple new law is introduced: all conflicts will be settled by single combat between the top leaders of each nation. To pressure a president into agreement, men taunt him by clucking like chickens ("Chicken-chicken-chicken," "Buck-buck-bu-gawk!"). This creates a kind of game theory of leadership, with leaders admitting they don't even know where Afghanistan is and wandering off to do something together. The new shirtless, long-haired, bearded Prime Minister of Canada delivers his inauguration by flexing his pecs in time with Beethoven's Fifth Symphony ("BUM-BUM-BUM-BUMMM"), shown over a map labeled "Gender-queer Canada." He brags that Canada's universal healthcare will help, since rivals will feel his strength "from here to the Yukon." After an economic crisis, "superhero economics" arrives: the muscular man screams "I AM THE PRIME MINISTER OF PORTUGAL AND OF BRAAAINS!" Leaders fight in a boxing ring producing telegenic, elegant violence, and one-world government is finally achieved via "an inverted double over-hook powerbomb." In the closing exchange, a woman says she's been thinking of overthrowing the government, and a man replies, "Weighted squats, bro. It's the only way," before a final tiny "ech nevermind." The bonus votey panel shows a square of densely scrawled handwriting reading roughly: "If you oppose oppose oppose the system, then they... oppose oppose transparency" - a deliberately repetitive, jumbled slogan poking fun at incoherent protest rhetoric.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.