markets
Original: markets on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (intro / app description, shown on a screen):
APP IDEA: FINANCIAL HEADLINE GENERATOR.
DESCRIBES STOCK MARKET MOVEMENT USING A RANDOM TERM FOR "UP" OR "DOWN" THEN CHOOSES A CURRENT NEWS ITEM AS THE REASON.
Panel 2 (a man with orange/red hair looks at the screen):
Screen headline: Stock market TANKS as SERIAL KILLER FINALLY BROUGHT TO JUSTICE
Panel 3 (a person looks at the screen):
Screen headline: Stock market PLUMMETS as MILLENNIALS ENJOY CREATIVE WRITING
Panel 4 (a person looks at the screen):
Screen headline: Stock market SOARS as MAN IN FLORIDA SETS ANUS AFLAME
Votey:
A man's face, looking dismayed.
Man: BUT MY ADVISOR SAID FLAMING ANUSES WERE BAD FOR THE ECONOMY!
APP IDEA: FINANCIAL HEADLINE GENERATOR.
DESCRIBES STOCK MARKET MOVEMENT USING A RANDOM TERM FOR "UP" OR "DOWN" THEN CHOOSES A CURRENT NEWS ITEM AS THE REASON.
Panel 2 (a man with orange/red hair looks at the screen):
Screen headline: Stock market TANKS as SERIAL KILLER FINALLY BROUGHT TO JUSTICE
Panel 3 (a person looks at the screen):
Screen headline: Stock market PLUMMETS as MILLENNIALS ENJOY CREATIVE WRITING
Panel 4 (a person looks at the screen):
Screen headline: Stock market SOARS as MAN IN FLORIDA SETS ANUS AFLAME
Votey:
A man's face, looking dismayed.
Man: BUT MY ADVISOR SAID FLAMING ANUSES WERE BAD FOR THE ECONOMY!
Alt text
A four-panel comic showing people looking at a screen that runs a satirical "Financial Headline Generator" app. Panel 1 describes the app: it reports stock market movement using a random word for "up" or "down," then pairs it with a current news item as the supposed cause. The next three panels show absurd auto-generated headlines: "Stock market TANKS as SERIAL KILLER FINALLY BROUGHT TO JUSTICE," "Stock market PLUMMETS as MILLENNIALS ENJOY CREATIVE WRITING," and "Stock market SOARS as MAN IN FLORIDA SETS ANUS AFLAME" — each nonsensically linking unrelated news to market moves. In the votey aftercomic, a dismayed man's face says, "But my advisor said flaming anuses were bad for the economy!", taking the last fake headline literally.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.