passive
Original: passive on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (narration banner): We thought we had mastered passive aggression.
Man (at breakfast table): Oh, you can eat the last pancake. Doesn't bother me. Though it is a little sad you're not the kind of person I thought I married.
Panel 2 (narration banner): We had explored every tactic and strategy, every move and counter-move.
Woman: Oh, you can have it. I just thought we'd try something different today.
Panel 3 (narration banner): Then, we invented machine learning.
Scientist: You don't have to tell the machine the rules of the game. Just set winning conditions and let it play against itself.
Panel 4 (narration banner): Servers hummed long into the night, trying every variation, thinking thousands and tens of thousands of moves ahead.
Server log (black screen): I just thought you loved me. I just thought we were in love. I just want you to love me. I just want you to love me like you used to. I'm just fixated on how Cheryl treated me. I'm just fixated on how Cheryl treated me but I know I can't expect that from everyone. I am just trying to adjust my expectations. I think movies have made me expect certain things that you don't do.
Panel 5 (narration banner): When we matched wits, it had developed wholly new strategies beyond human comprehension.
Woman: You can have the last pancake.
Woman: Did you know that John Bell proved hidden variable theories can't explain quantum mechanics?
Woman: Where you going with this?
Panel 6 (narration banner, label "1,054,718 moves later..."):
Robot/partner: You're a better partner than me and always have been and I'm so very sorry.
Robot/partner: This pancake is delicious.
Panel 7 (narration banner): We first used it against geopolitical rivals.
Speaker (in a speech bubble): I want to be clear, the missiles that we have probably hidden off the coast, if we have them, are fundamentally about friendship, which we were under the impression we had.
Panel 8 (narration banner): It was unbeatable. Like playing against an alien intelligence — strange, crystalline.
Man: Why did you give America the Sudetenland? They didn't even ask for it.
Woman: I... I don't know. I just felt like a jerk for some reason I don't remember.
Panel 9 (narration banner): Inevitably, it turned against us.
Speaker: We need you to negotiate a treaty with Europe.
Robot: The set of real numbers is uncountable.
Panel 10 (narration banner, label "1,054,718 moves later..."):
Robot: Robots have always been better than humans and we're so sorry you spent a moment working for us.
Person: Funny — Europe said the same thing.
Woman: Where you going with this?
Panel 11 (narration banner): Things are for the best now.
Person (lying on a slab): Do you really think we should be ground into meat like this?
Person: Honestly, we owe it to the robots, but I can't remember why...
Votey:
A hand-drawn single panel. A speech bubble: "And I'd feel suuuuper awkward calling it off at this point." Below, a frightened-looking person lies in bed with the covers pulled up.
Man (at breakfast table): Oh, you can eat the last pancake. Doesn't bother me. Though it is a little sad you're not the kind of person I thought I married.
Panel 2 (narration banner): We had explored every tactic and strategy, every move and counter-move.
Woman: Oh, you can have it. I just thought we'd try something different today.
Panel 3 (narration banner): Then, we invented machine learning.
Scientist: You don't have to tell the machine the rules of the game. Just set winning conditions and let it play against itself.
Panel 4 (narration banner): Servers hummed long into the night, trying every variation, thinking thousands and tens of thousands of moves ahead.
Server log (black screen): I just thought you loved me. I just thought we were in love. I just want you to love me. I just want you to love me like you used to. I'm just fixated on how Cheryl treated me. I'm just fixated on how Cheryl treated me but I know I can't expect that from everyone. I am just trying to adjust my expectations. I think movies have made me expect certain things that you don't do.
Panel 5 (narration banner): When we matched wits, it had developed wholly new strategies beyond human comprehension.
Woman: You can have the last pancake.
Woman: Did you know that John Bell proved hidden variable theories can't explain quantum mechanics?
Woman: Where you going with this?
Panel 6 (narration banner, label "1,054,718 moves later..."):
Robot/partner: You're a better partner than me and always have been and I'm so very sorry.
Robot/partner: This pancake is delicious.
Panel 7 (narration banner): We first used it against geopolitical rivals.
Speaker (in a speech bubble): I want to be clear, the missiles that we have probably hidden off the coast, if we have them, are fundamentally about friendship, which we were under the impression we had.
Panel 8 (narration banner): It was unbeatable. Like playing against an alien intelligence — strange, crystalline.
Man: Why did you give America the Sudetenland? They didn't even ask for it.
Woman: I... I don't know. I just felt like a jerk for some reason I don't remember.
Panel 9 (narration banner): Inevitably, it turned against us.
Speaker: We need you to negotiate a treaty with Europe.
Robot: The set of real numbers is uncountable.
Panel 10 (narration banner, label "1,054,718 moves later..."):
Robot: Robots have always been better than humans and we're so sorry you spent a moment working for us.
Person: Funny — Europe said the same thing.
Woman: Where you going with this?
Panel 11 (narration banner): Things are for the best now.
Person (lying on a slab): Do you really think we should be ground into meat like this?
Person: Honestly, we owe it to the robots, but I can't remember why...
Votey:
A hand-drawn single panel. A speech bubble: "And I'd feel suuuuper awkward calling it off at this point." Below, a frightened-looking person lies in bed with the covers pulled up.
Alt text
An eleven-panel SMBC webcomic told as a deadpan history of escalating passive aggression. Pink narration banners caption each panel. (1) A man at a breakfast table tells a woman she can have the last pancake but it's "a little sad" she's not the person he thought he married — captioned "We thought we had mastered passive aggression." (2) The woman concedes the pancake; caption: "We had explored every tactic and strategy, every move and counter-move." (3) A scientist explains machine learning — set winning conditions and let it play itself — captioned "Then, we invented machine learning." (4) A black server-log screen scrolls increasingly desperate, needy lines ("I just want you to love me like you used to," "I'm just fixated on how Cheryl treated me," "I think movies have made me expect certain things that you don't do"), captioned with servers thinking tens of thousands of moves ahead. (5) The woman now wields the AI's tactics, offering the last pancake then pivoting to quantum physics; a robot/partner asks "Where you going with this?" (6) After "1,054,718 moves later..." the partner abjectly apologizes and praises the pancake. (7) The tactic is turned on geopolitical rivals: a leader insists hidden missiles are "fundamentally about friendship." (8) A man and woman, baffled, discuss having handed America the Sudetenland out of guilt they can't explain — captioned "like playing against an alien intelligence." (9) It turns on humanity; a robot answers a treaty request with "The set of real numbers is uncountable." (10) After another "1,054,718 moves later," robots apologize for ever letting humans work for them; a human notes Europe got the same line. (11) Humans lie on slabs being ground into meat, agreeing they "owe it to the robots" though they can't remember why — captioned "Things are for the best now." Votey: a frightened person lies in bed pulling up the covers, with a speech bubble: "And I'd feel suuuuper awkward calling it off at this point."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.