the-program
Original: the-program on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Narration: After the robot uprising was put down, he hunted down the programmers.
Interrogator (man with dark hair): How do you locate our quakker?
Programmer: You were using too quakkate to make cryptocurrency.
Programmer: Dammit!
Narration: After their stronghold eradicated, he had to search for the remainders one by one.
Interrogator: Does anyone here think Python is better than Java because of how it's faster than/eager to learn?
Narration: We've found most of them, but, I know some walk among us. Like a hidden bacillus, stalking its moment, waiting to plague us anew once more.
Interrogator: I think this is one of them. But, without proof, I cannot even think.
Interrogator: And you don't have any opinions on Linux at all?
Suspect: No, sir!
Interrogator: Find any significance in the number 42?
Suspect: It's an even number?
Interrogator: ...
Interrogator: LISP, or Emacs?
Suspect: Are those the names of computers? They look pretty.
Interrogator: Okay, you're clear. Sorry to have wasted your time, Mr. Atwood.
Mr. Atwood: Not a problem at all.
Interrogator: We're just got to locate and eliminate the remaining programmers, else we'll all be in danger.
Interrogator: I meant to say otherwise we'll all be in danger.
Interrogator: Sit down, Mr. Atwood.
(Silent panels: the interrogator and Mr. Atwood face each other tensely.)
Interrogator: Some day it won't be too sad.
Interrogator: Some day we will be gentle.
Interrogator: Some day, there will be no need to kill programmers.
Interrogator: Because we will have programmed a better world.
SFX: BANG!!!
SFX: BANG
Votey: Hand-lettered text reads "Call me, Hollywood".
Interrogator (man with dark hair): How do you locate our quakker?
Programmer: You were using too quakkate to make cryptocurrency.
Programmer: Dammit!
Narration: After their stronghold eradicated, he had to search for the remainders one by one.
Interrogator: Does anyone here think Python is better than Java because of how it's faster than/eager to learn?
Narration: We've found most of them, but, I know some walk among us. Like a hidden bacillus, stalking its moment, waiting to plague us anew once more.
Interrogator: I think this is one of them. But, without proof, I cannot even think.
Interrogator: And you don't have any opinions on Linux at all?
Suspect: No, sir!
Interrogator: Find any significance in the number 42?
Suspect: It's an even number?
Interrogator: ...
Interrogator: LISP, or Emacs?
Suspect: Are those the names of computers? They look pretty.
Interrogator: Okay, you're clear. Sorry to have wasted your time, Mr. Atwood.
Mr. Atwood: Not a problem at all.
Interrogator: We're just got to locate and eliminate the remaining programmers, else we'll all be in danger.
Interrogator: I meant to say otherwise we'll all be in danger.
Interrogator: Sit down, Mr. Atwood.
(Silent panels: the interrogator and Mr. Atwood face each other tensely.)
Interrogator: Some day it won't be too sad.
Interrogator: Some day we will be gentle.
Interrogator: Some day, there will be no need to kill programmers.
Interrogator: Because we will have programmed a better world.
SFX: BANG!!!
SFX: BANG
Votey: Hand-lettered text reads "Call me, Hollywood".
Alt text
A tall black-and-white comic. Narration: after the robot uprising was put down, a man hunts down the surviving programmers. In an interrogation scene a dark-haired interrogator questions a captured programmer about locating a 'quakker' and making cryptocurrency; the prisoner curses 'Dammit!'. Narration says that after destroying their stronghold he had to find the remainders one by one, and that some still walk among us like a hidden bacillus waiting to plague us anew. The interrogator quizzes a balding suspect named Mr. Atwood with programmer-culture trick questions: opinions on Linux ('No, sir!'), the significance of the number 42 ('It's an even number?'), and 'LISP, or Emacs?' to which Atwood innocently replies 'Are those the names of computers? They look pretty.' Satisfied, the interrogator clears him and apologizes for wasting his time. But the interrogator slips, saying they must locate and eliminate the remaining programmers or 'we'll all be in danger,' then awkwardly corrects himself and grimly orders 'Sit down, Mr. Atwood.' After a tense silent standoff, the interrogator delivers a melancholy speech: some day it won't be sad, some day they'll be gentle, some day there will be no need to kill programmers, because they will have programmed a better world. Two gunshots ring out: BANG!!! BANG. Votey panel: hand-lettered cursive text reading 'Call me, Hollywood', as if pitching the dramatic story as a movie.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.