coffee
Original: coffee on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman (Cheryl, red hair, holding a mug): I am TOTALLY ADDICTED to coffee!
Man (off-panel/speech bubble): No you aren't.
Panel 2:
Man (glasses, close-up): Coffee is only mildly habit-forming. It wouldn't produce the effect you're experiencing right now.
Panel 3:
Man: The truth is I've been replacing your morning coffee with a mixture of nicotine, oxycodone, midazolam, cocaine, and yes, a generous shot of espresso.
Panel 4:
Man (grinning): You're so addicted, you haven't noticed that your cup is filled with a gritty gray chemical slurry.
Panel 5:
Woman: Well, I'll be damned.
Panel 6:
Man: Why do it, you ask? Because I'm tired of your little witticisms about how "I can't function without coffee" and how you're "just not human till you have your coffee."
Panel 7:
Woman (looking into her mug, which holds a gritty gray slurry): Cheryl, it is SO cliche.
Panel 8:
Man (pointing, angry): And now? Now, you INHABIT the cliche! You literally cannot function without your "coffee."
Panel 9:
Man: I won't drink it! I won't! I...
Panel 10:
Woman (Cheryl): Spiders are everywhere! Everywhere until I've had my morning coffee!
(She throws her mug.)
Panel 11:
Woman screams, terrified, swatting at the air.
Panel 12:
Man (calm, satisfied): See, that's WAY more original!
Votey:
A large cartoon spider looms in close-up.
Text: You're funny now, Cheryl.
Woman (Cheryl, red hair, holding a mug): I am TOTALLY ADDICTED to coffee!
Man (off-panel/speech bubble): No you aren't.
Panel 2:
Man (glasses, close-up): Coffee is only mildly habit-forming. It wouldn't produce the effect you're experiencing right now.
Panel 3:
Man: The truth is I've been replacing your morning coffee with a mixture of nicotine, oxycodone, midazolam, cocaine, and yes, a generous shot of espresso.
Panel 4:
Man (grinning): You're so addicted, you haven't noticed that your cup is filled with a gritty gray chemical slurry.
Panel 5:
Woman: Well, I'll be damned.
Panel 6:
Man: Why do it, you ask? Because I'm tired of your little witticisms about how "I can't function without coffee" and how you're "just not human till you have your coffee."
Panel 7:
Woman (looking into her mug, which holds a gritty gray slurry): Cheryl, it is SO cliche.
Panel 8:
Man (pointing, angry): And now? Now, you INHABIT the cliche! You literally cannot function without your "coffee."
Panel 9:
Man: I won't drink it! I won't! I...
Panel 10:
Woman (Cheryl): Spiders are everywhere! Everywhere until I've had my morning coffee!
(She throws her mug.)
Panel 11:
Woman screams, terrified, swatting at the air.
Panel 12:
Man (calm, satisfied): See, that's WAY more original!
Votey:
A large cartoon spider looms in close-up.
Text: You're funny now, Cheryl.
Alt text
A twelve-panel SMBC comic. A red-haired woman holds a coffee mug and says "I am TOTALLY ADDICTED to coffee!" A bespectacled man replies that coffee is only mildly habit-forming and wouldn't produce the effect she's experiencing. He reveals he's been replacing her morning coffee with a mixture of nicotine, oxycodone, midazolam, cocaine, and a shot of espresso, so addicted she hasn't noticed her cup is a gritty gray chemical slurry. She says "Well, I'll be damned." He explains he did it because he's tired of her cliche witticisms about not being able to function without coffee, and gloats that now she literally inhabits the cliche. She peers into her gray sludge and calls it "SO cliche." He insists she can't function without it; she protests "I won't drink it!" then suddenly panics, shrieking "Spiders are everywhere! Everywhere until I've had my morning coffee!", hurls her mug, and swats wildly at hallucinated spiders. The man, pleased, says "See, that's WAY more original!" Votey: a huge close-up cartoon spider with the caption "You're funny now, Cheryl."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.