justice
Original: justice on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption: WE DECIDED TO INTRODUCE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT BACK INTO THE JUSTICE SYSTEM.)
Bald man (official): "We're offering a choice: a savage spanking or ten years in prison. Which would you pick?"
Woman (reporter/aide): "But it's barbaric!"
Panel 2 (caption: A FORTUNE WAS SAVED.)
Gray-haired man reading a paper: "Negligible prison costs. Major deterrence. Low recidivism. It's perfect!"
Panel 3 (caption: A PROBLEM AROSE.)
Woman in red jacket: "A wave of crime has struck the nation. It appears to be uncoordinated except for the fact that all of the criminals are dressed in leather and turned themselves in immediately."
Panel 4 (caption: ANOTHER FORTUNE WAS SAVED.)
Gray-haired man reading a paper: "My God! The only remaining criminals bring their own handcuffs and paddles."
Panel 5 (caption: SOCIOLOGISTS IDENTIFIED A PROBLEM.)
Narration/speaker: "With all the spankees receiving institutional punishment, the nation's compulsive paddlers have no natural outlet."
Bespectacled man: "I fear we have awakened a spanking giant."
Panel 6 (caption: THE RESULTS WERE CATASTROPHIC.)
Woman in red jacket: "A spree of spankery has swept the nation. The Marines have been sent in to tranquilize the perpetrators, and medicated salve is being airlifted to the nation's swollen buttockses."
Panel 7 (caption: WITH THE NOW-REGULAR MARCH OF FETISHISTS THROUGH PRISON SPANKING FACILITIES, CRIMINALS WHO CHOSE INCARCERATION BEGAN TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.)
Bearded prisoner in orange jumpsuit, seated in a cell: "If I'd wanted to live in a tiny room surrounded by people having weird sex on all sides, I would've stayed in college."
Panel 8 (caption: ULTIMATELY, ALL PRISONERS LEFT THE SYSTEM VIA SPANKING.)
Bald prisoner gripping the cell bars: "Grant me freedom! Glorious red-cheeked freedom!"
Panel 9 (caption: 'CRIME HAS BECOME RITUALIZED.)
Robber (to a clerk), pointing a gun: "The gun is fake, but please tell the police it's real. Sorry to take up your time."
Clerk behind counter: "Quite all right, Mr. Gillman. Would you like to make any transactions while you wait?"
Panel 10 (caption: REAL CRIME NO LONGER EXISTS.)
Mugger (masked, holding a knife): "Hey, wanna go mug somebody?"
Bald bearded man: "Nah. Prison life has gotten way too creepy."
Panel 11 (caption: THE NATION'S FETISHISTS ARE ROUNDLY HONORED.)
Tour guide gesturing at a statue: "And this statue was built to commemorate the claustrophobia fetishist who's trapped in there."
Voice from the statue: "Oooh yeah!"
Panel 12 (caption: IMPRISONMENT IS NOW AN UNTHINKABLE PUNISHMENT.)
Elderly woman in an armchair, to two children: "I can still remember the days when they would put criminals in cages and make them wait for years. Things are so much more civilized in the era of the paddle."
Panel 13 (caption: IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.)
Child: "Wait... they took people out of society for years and made them spend all day with criminals... for rehabilitation?"
Elderly woman: "Odd times they were. Odd times."
Votey: A wordless sketch panel. The smiling elderly grandmother relaxes contentedly in her armchair while the younger mother and her two children stand off to the side, watching her with uneasy, troubled expressions.
Bald man (official): "We're offering a choice: a savage spanking or ten years in prison. Which would you pick?"
Woman (reporter/aide): "But it's barbaric!"
Panel 2 (caption: A FORTUNE WAS SAVED.)
Gray-haired man reading a paper: "Negligible prison costs. Major deterrence. Low recidivism. It's perfect!"
Panel 3 (caption: A PROBLEM AROSE.)
Woman in red jacket: "A wave of crime has struck the nation. It appears to be uncoordinated except for the fact that all of the criminals are dressed in leather and turned themselves in immediately."
Panel 4 (caption: ANOTHER FORTUNE WAS SAVED.)
Gray-haired man reading a paper: "My God! The only remaining criminals bring their own handcuffs and paddles."
Panel 5 (caption: SOCIOLOGISTS IDENTIFIED A PROBLEM.)
Narration/speaker: "With all the spankees receiving institutional punishment, the nation's compulsive paddlers have no natural outlet."
Bespectacled man: "I fear we have awakened a spanking giant."
Panel 6 (caption: THE RESULTS WERE CATASTROPHIC.)
Woman in red jacket: "A spree of spankery has swept the nation. The Marines have been sent in to tranquilize the perpetrators, and medicated salve is being airlifted to the nation's swollen buttockses."
Panel 7 (caption: WITH THE NOW-REGULAR MARCH OF FETISHISTS THROUGH PRISON SPANKING FACILITIES, CRIMINALS WHO CHOSE INCARCERATION BEGAN TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.)
Bearded prisoner in orange jumpsuit, seated in a cell: "If I'd wanted to live in a tiny room surrounded by people having weird sex on all sides, I would've stayed in college."
Panel 8 (caption: ULTIMATELY, ALL PRISONERS LEFT THE SYSTEM VIA SPANKING.)
Bald prisoner gripping the cell bars: "Grant me freedom! Glorious red-cheeked freedom!"
Panel 9 (caption: 'CRIME HAS BECOME RITUALIZED.)
Robber (to a clerk), pointing a gun: "The gun is fake, but please tell the police it's real. Sorry to take up your time."
Clerk behind counter: "Quite all right, Mr. Gillman. Would you like to make any transactions while you wait?"
Panel 10 (caption: REAL CRIME NO LONGER EXISTS.)
Mugger (masked, holding a knife): "Hey, wanna go mug somebody?"
Bald bearded man: "Nah. Prison life has gotten way too creepy."
Panel 11 (caption: THE NATION'S FETISHISTS ARE ROUNDLY HONORED.)
Tour guide gesturing at a statue: "And this statue was built to commemorate the claustrophobia fetishist who's trapped in there."
Voice from the statue: "Oooh yeah!"
Panel 12 (caption: IMPRISONMENT IS NOW AN UNTHINKABLE PUNISHMENT.)
Elderly woman in an armchair, to two children: "I can still remember the days when they would put criminals in cages and make them wait for years. Things are so much more civilized in the era of the paddle."
Panel 13 (caption: IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.)
Child: "Wait... they took people out of society for years and made them spend all day with criminals... for rehabilitation?"
Elderly woman: "Odd times they were. Odd times."
Votey: A wordless sketch panel. The smiling elderly grandmother relaxes contentedly in her armchair while the younger mother and her two children stand off to the side, watching her with uneasy, troubled expressions.
Alt text
A tall, multi-panel SMBC comic told as a sequence of captioned vignettes about a justice system that replaces prison with corporal punishment. Panel 1 (caption: "We decided to introduce corporal punishment back into the justice system"): a bald official offers a woman a choice -- "a savage spanking or ten years in prison" -- and she protests "But it's barbaric!" Panel 2 ("A fortune was saved"): a gray-haired man reading a report calls it perfect for low cost and low recidivism. Panel 3 ("A problem arose"): a reporter notes a crime wave where every criminal dresses in leather and immediately turns themselves in. Panel 4 ("Another fortune was saved"): the remaining criminals bring their own handcuffs and paddles. Panel 5 ("Sociologists identified a problem"): with spankees getting institutional punishment, compulsive paddlers have no outlet -- a man warns "I fear we have awakened a spanking giant." Panel 6 ("The results were catastrophic"): a spree of "spankery" sweeps the nation, Marines tranquilize perpetrators, and salve is airlifted to swollen buttocks. Panel 7: a bearded prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, alone in a small cell, complains that living surrounded by people having weird sex is like college. Panel 8: a bald prisoner grips the cell bars shouting "Grant me freedom! Glorious red-cheeked freedom!" Panel 9 ("Crime has become ritualized"): a robber points a fake gun and politely asks the clerk to tell police it's real; the clerk calmly offers to handle transactions. Panel 10: a masked mugger with a knife asks another man to go mugging; the man declines because "prison life has gotten way too creepy." Panel 11: a tour guide points at a statue commemorating a claustrophobia fetishist trapped inside, who moans "Oooh yeah!" Panel 12: an elderly woman in an armchair tells two children that caging criminals for years was barbaric and the era of the paddle is more civilized. Panel 13 ("It's better this way"): a child realizes the old system removed people from society and made them spend all day with criminals for rehabilitation; the grandmother sighs, "Odd times they were. Odd times." Votey (bonus panel): a wordless drawing -- the grandmother sits contentedly smiling in her armchair while the mother and two children stand beside her, watching with uneasy, disturbed faces.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.