stotting
Original: stotting on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (Narration): Many quadrupeds engage in a strange behavior called "stotting."
Panel 2 (Narration): When predators are near, they jump up high, in a conspicuous display that appears to waste calories.
Panel 3 (Narration): The best evolutionary theory is that stotting is an "honest signal." It tells the predator "I'm too athletic to catch. Eat someone else."
Panel 4 (Narration): In order to test the theory, we equipped a random deer with jet-boots. It was then able to "stott" up to 4,000 meters high.
Panel 5 (Narration): As expected, local carnivores came to worship the modified deer as a god.
Panel 6 (Narration): The effect was so robust that it also affected herbivores.
Panel 7: A lioness speaks to a small herbivore.
Lioness: Hey, anyone else wanna go worship the all-glorious sky-deer?
Herbivore: You read my mind, dude!
Panel 8 (Narration): The results were transcribed via peer-reviewed journals.
(A copy of the journal "Nature" is shown.)
Panel 9 (Narration): He soon began negotiations.
Man at podium: By presidential decree, from now on the reindeer drive Santa.
Panel 10 (Narration): The unifying effects were profound.
Soldier: Let us end all borders.
Bearded man (with hands raised): We are brothers under jet-booted heaven.
Panel 11 (Narration): Later, a bird of prey took down the deer.
Falcon: I think... Where is your god now?
Panel 12 (Narration): Humans adjusted to decode with predictable rage.
Man: Honestly, I've gotten used to having my fundamental beliefs about reality shatter at least six times a year.
Panel 13 (Narration): It's nice to have things back to normal.
Woman (to a man): Hey listen, things out. I still want to kill you. I guess I don't know what I was thinking before.
Man: It's funny. I can't even recall why we stopped fighting in the first place.
Votey:
A crudely drawn smiling face. Below it, the word: OBEY.
Panel 2 (Narration): When predators are near, they jump up high, in a conspicuous display that appears to waste calories.
Panel 3 (Narration): The best evolutionary theory is that stotting is an "honest signal." It tells the predator "I'm too athletic to catch. Eat someone else."
Panel 4 (Narration): In order to test the theory, we equipped a random deer with jet-boots. It was then able to "stott" up to 4,000 meters high.
Panel 5 (Narration): As expected, local carnivores came to worship the modified deer as a god.
Panel 6 (Narration): The effect was so robust that it also affected herbivores.
Panel 7: A lioness speaks to a small herbivore.
Lioness: Hey, anyone else wanna go worship the all-glorious sky-deer?
Herbivore: You read my mind, dude!
Panel 8 (Narration): The results were transcribed via peer-reviewed journals.
(A copy of the journal "Nature" is shown.)
Panel 9 (Narration): He soon began negotiations.
Man at podium: By presidential decree, from now on the reindeer drive Santa.
Panel 10 (Narration): The unifying effects were profound.
Soldier: Let us end all borders.
Bearded man (with hands raised): We are brothers under jet-booted heaven.
Panel 11 (Narration): Later, a bird of prey took down the deer.
Falcon: I think... Where is your god now?
Panel 12 (Narration): Humans adjusted to decode with predictable rage.
Man: Honestly, I've gotten used to having my fundamental beliefs about reality shatter at least six times a year.
Panel 13 (Narration): It's nice to have things back to normal.
Woman (to a man): Hey listen, things out. I still want to kill you. I guess I don't know what I was thinking before.
Man: It's funny. I can't even recall why we stopped fighting in the first place.
Votey:
A crudely drawn smiling face. Below it, the word: OBEY.
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic with narration captions in colored bars above each scene. It opens like a nature documentary: many quadrupeds do a behavior called "stotting" — jumping high when predators are near to signal they are too athletic to catch. To test the theory, scientists strap jet-boots to a deer, which then leaps 4,000 meters into the air. Drawings show an antelope, a lurking predator silhouette, and a tan deer launching skyward. Local carnivores and even herbivores begin worshipping the soaring "sky-deer" as a god: a lioness asks a small prey animal, "Hey, anyone else wanna go worship the all-glorious sky-deer?" and it replies, "You read my mind, dude!" The results are published in the journal Nature. A man at a podium declares "By presidential decree, from now on the reindeer drive Santa." The deer-worship unites humanity — a soldier says "Let us end all borders," a bearded man with raised arms says "We are brothers under jet-booted heaven." Then a falcon kills the deer mid-air, taunting "I think... Where is your god now?" A man shrugs that he's used to his beliefs about reality shattering six times a year, and "things back to normal" means a woman cheerfully telling a man she still wants to kill him, while he can't recall why they ever stopped fighting. The votey panel is a crudely drawn smiling face with the single word "OBEY." underneath.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.