gridiron
Original: gridiron on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Interviewer (a man in a suit holding a microphone): Why do you think you played so well today?
Panel 2:
Athlete (a bald man in a green football jersey): Well, I'll tell ya what I do is I imagine myself killing everyone on the other team.
Panel 3:
Athlete: I visualize their corpses, John.
Interviewer: Wow!
Panel 4:
Interviewer: Not as a metaphor or anything. Wealthiness is correlated with longevity. Success in sports means more money. Money means LIFE.
Panel 5:
Athlete: When I make them lose, I am literally killing them. I am taking away from their life and time they would have spent with loved ones.
Panel 6:
Athlete: I am literally killing them. I am taking away their life and time they would have spent with loved ones.
Interviewer: So I... uh... you showed a lot of team spirit today. Could you talk—
Panel 7 (the athlete, calm):
Athlete: Every success on the field is a quantum of murder, John.
Votey:
A close-up of the athlete's face, smiling slightly.
Athlete (handwritten): I will hustle them into their graves.
Interviewer (a man in a suit holding a microphone): Why do you think you played so well today?
Panel 2:
Athlete (a bald man in a green football jersey): Well, I'll tell ya what I do is I imagine myself killing everyone on the other team.
Panel 3:
Athlete: I visualize their corpses, John.
Interviewer: Wow!
Panel 4:
Interviewer: Not as a metaphor or anything. Wealthiness is correlated with longevity. Success in sports means more money. Money means LIFE.
Panel 5:
Athlete: When I make them lose, I am literally killing them. I am taking away from their life and time they would have spent with loved ones.
Panel 6:
Athlete: I am literally killing them. I am taking away their life and time they would have spent with loved ones.
Interviewer: So I... uh... you showed a lot of team spirit today. Could you talk—
Panel 7 (the athlete, calm):
Athlete: Every success on the field is a quantum of murder, John.
Votey:
A close-up of the athlete's face, smiling slightly.
Athlete (handwritten): I will hustle them into their graves.
Alt text
A seven-panel SMBC comic. A suited sports interviewer holding a microphone asks a bald athlete in a green football jersey, 'Why do you think you played so well today?' The athlete answers cheerfully, 'Well, I'll tell ya what I do is I imagine myself killing everyone on the other team. I visualize their corpses, John.' The interviewer says 'Wow!' The athlete elaborates earnestly: 'Not as a metaphor or anything. Wealthiness is correlated with longevity. Success in sports means more money. Money means LIFE.' Growing intense, he says, 'When I make them lose, I am literally killing them. I am taking away their life and time they would have spent with loved ones.' The unsettled interviewer tries to redirect, 'So I... uh... you showed a lot of team spirit today. Could you talk—' but the athlete calmly concludes, 'Every success on the field is a quantum of murder, John.' Votey aftercomic: a close-up of the athlete's faintly smiling face with handwritten text reading, 'I will hustle them into their graves.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.