a-proposal-3
Original: a-proposal-3 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A woman with glasses and dark hair lectures.
Woman: The most common factor that prevents human happiness during dates is the intrusion of awkward silences.
Panel 2: She gestures.
Woman: 98% of awkward silence is caused by the fact that we are all boring hairless apes with nothing interesting to relate.
Panel 3:
Woman: How else do you explain how two people who've never met can't find ANYTHING to say during a date, despite DECADES of experiences?
Panel 4: She raises a finger.
Woman: We might be able to fix this by just accepting the peace of silence amidst a world of gas, or we could use physics.
Panel 5: A figure stands silhouetted in front of a device.
Woman: I am attempting to gather funding for a new device.
Label on device: The Relativistic De-Awkwardizer.
Panel 6: A man (Bob) and a woman (Alice) sit at a small table.
Woman (narrating): Consider Alice and Bob. Bob is about to finish a boring anecdote about a sinus infection, and then the conversation will have no way to move forward.
Bob (small bubble): I think I'm more vulnerable to anal infection than average, however.
Panel 7:
Woman (narrating): Before he finishes speaking, Bob is shunted into an "acceleration tube."
Small bubble at table: The kind of mucus was apparently typical of that sort of...
Panel 8: A red-haired man (Bob) inside a tube, with the speech bubble stretched out by speed.
Woman (narrating): In the tube, Bob approaches light speed, experiencing far less time than Alice.
Stretched bubble: I TOLD THE...
Panel 9: Alice sits alone at the table.
Woman (narrating): Bob is kept at high speed until Alice comes up with the next topic of conversation.
Alice (small bubble): I enjoy various kinds of music.
Panel 10:
Woman (narrating): Bob is decelerated and returned to the conversation where, from his perspective, he has just finished his awful, meandering story at a normal pace.
Small bubble: ...stared up from a week like, yo yeah
Alice small bubble: I enjoy various kinds of music.
Panel 11: The two sit at the table.
Woman (narrating): The only potential down side, if you can call it that, is that boring people will probably be dead or quite old before the conversation ends.
Panel 12:
Woman (narrating): Given that the relativistic de-awkwardizer would most directly benefit the people most knowledgeable about physics, we expect completion within one year of funding, with the lone snag being that it'd require most energy in the universe.
Panel 13: Close-up of the woman's face, looking to the side.
Panel 14: Closer close-up of her face, mouth slightly open in alarm.
Panel 15: A wide shot of a stage with a tube descending from above; a tiny figure of the woman stands on a podium, arms raised.
Panel 16: The tube descends toward the podium; legs (the woman's) dangle as she is lifted into it.
Panel 17: An audience of four people watches with neutral/concerned expressions.
Panel 18: The tube hangs in the room.
Woman (from inside the tube): THIS IS NOT A DEMONSTRATION!! I'M JUST STAYING HERE UNTIL YOU LEAVE!
Votey: A simple line-drawing of a tall tube/container. A speech bubble curls up from inside it.
Voice from inside: I'm so happy in here...
Woman: The most common factor that prevents human happiness during dates is the intrusion of awkward silences.
Panel 2: She gestures.
Woman: 98% of awkward silence is caused by the fact that we are all boring hairless apes with nothing interesting to relate.
Panel 3:
Woman: How else do you explain how two people who've never met can't find ANYTHING to say during a date, despite DECADES of experiences?
Panel 4: She raises a finger.
Woman: We might be able to fix this by just accepting the peace of silence amidst a world of gas, or we could use physics.
Panel 5: A figure stands silhouetted in front of a device.
Woman: I am attempting to gather funding for a new device.
Label on device: The Relativistic De-Awkwardizer.
Panel 6: A man (Bob) and a woman (Alice) sit at a small table.
Woman (narrating): Consider Alice and Bob. Bob is about to finish a boring anecdote about a sinus infection, and then the conversation will have no way to move forward.
Bob (small bubble): I think I'm more vulnerable to anal infection than average, however.
Panel 7:
Woman (narrating): Before he finishes speaking, Bob is shunted into an "acceleration tube."
Small bubble at table: The kind of mucus was apparently typical of that sort of...
Panel 8: A red-haired man (Bob) inside a tube, with the speech bubble stretched out by speed.
Woman (narrating): In the tube, Bob approaches light speed, experiencing far less time than Alice.
Stretched bubble: I TOLD THE...
Panel 9: Alice sits alone at the table.
Woman (narrating): Bob is kept at high speed until Alice comes up with the next topic of conversation.
Alice (small bubble): I enjoy various kinds of music.
Panel 10:
Woman (narrating): Bob is decelerated and returned to the conversation where, from his perspective, he has just finished his awful, meandering story at a normal pace.
Small bubble: ...stared up from a week like, yo yeah
Alice small bubble: I enjoy various kinds of music.
Panel 11: The two sit at the table.
Woman (narrating): The only potential down side, if you can call it that, is that boring people will probably be dead or quite old before the conversation ends.
Panel 12:
Woman (narrating): Given that the relativistic de-awkwardizer would most directly benefit the people most knowledgeable about physics, we expect completion within one year of funding, with the lone snag being that it'd require most energy in the universe.
Panel 13: Close-up of the woman's face, looking to the side.
Panel 14: Closer close-up of her face, mouth slightly open in alarm.
Panel 15: A wide shot of a stage with a tube descending from above; a tiny figure of the woman stands on a podium, arms raised.
Panel 16: The tube descends toward the podium; legs (the woman's) dangle as she is lifted into it.
Panel 17: An audience of four people watches with neutral/concerned expressions.
Panel 18: The tube hangs in the room.
Woman (from inside the tube): THIS IS NOT A DEMONSTRATION!! I'M JUST STAYING HERE UNTIL YOU LEAVE!
Votey: A simple line-drawing of a tall tube/container. A speech bubble curls up from inside it.
Voice from inside: I'm so happy in here...
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic. A woman with glasses and dark hair lectures to an unseen audience. She explains that awkward silences ruin dates because humans are 'boring hairless apes with nothing interesting to relate,' and that she has invented a device, the 'Relativistic De-Awkwardizer,' to fix this with physics. She illustrates with Alice and Bob sitting at a table: as Bob is about to finish a boring anecdote, he is shunted into an 'acceleration tube' and accelerated to near light speed, experiencing far less time than Alice, until Alice thinks of the next topic. He is then returned to the conversation having, from his view, finished his dull story at a normal pace. The downside: boring people will be old or dead before the conversation ends. She notes the device, benefiting physicists most, could be completed within a year of funding, the only snag being that it requires most of the energy in the universe. Her face shifts to alarm in close-up. A wide shot shows a tube descending onto a stage podium where she stands with arms raised; it lifts her up into itself. A small audience watches uneasily. From inside the tube she shouts, 'THIS IS NOT A DEMONSTRATION!! I'M JUST STAYING HERE UNTIL YOU LEAVE!' Votey: a simple line drawing of the tall tube, with a small voice curling out from inside saying, 'I'm so happy in here...'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.