gifts-from-god
Original: gifts-from-god on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Nun: REMEMBER, KIDS, EVERY DAY IS A GIFT FROM GOD!
Panel 2:
Red-haired child (shouting): WHAT?!
Panel 3:
Red-haired child: HEY, GOD! WHY'D YOU GIFT ME A DAY WHERE MY DOG GOT RUN OVER BY THE AMBULANCE THAT WAS TOO LATE TO SAVE MY GRANDMA?!
Panel 4:
God (voice from above, in a rounded caption/speech form): I HAD IT NARROWED DOWN TO EITHER GETTING YOU A UNICORN OR DOING THE DEAD DOG THING. I FIGURED THE DOG THING WOULD BRING YOU CLOSER TO YOUR MOM.
Panel 5:
Red-haired child (angry, silent).
Panel 6:
Red-haired child: IT... DID. IT DID BRING US CLOSER TOGETHER!
Panel 7:
Red-haired child (arms raised in joy): PRAISE THE LORD!!
Panel 8:
God: YEAH, SHE'S GONNA NEED YOU WHEN YOUR DAD GETS MAULED BY A BEAR.
Votey:
God (speech bubble on a black panel): The bear is a very good Christian.
Nun: REMEMBER, KIDS, EVERY DAY IS A GIFT FROM GOD!
Panel 2:
Red-haired child (shouting): WHAT?!
Panel 3:
Red-haired child: HEY, GOD! WHY'D YOU GIFT ME A DAY WHERE MY DOG GOT RUN OVER BY THE AMBULANCE THAT WAS TOO LATE TO SAVE MY GRANDMA?!
Panel 4:
God (voice from above, in a rounded caption/speech form): I HAD IT NARROWED DOWN TO EITHER GETTING YOU A UNICORN OR DOING THE DEAD DOG THING. I FIGURED THE DOG THING WOULD BRING YOU CLOSER TO YOUR MOM.
Panel 5:
Red-haired child (angry, silent).
Panel 6:
Red-haired child: IT... DID. IT DID BRING US CLOSER TOGETHER!
Panel 7:
Red-haired child (arms raised in joy): PRAISE THE LORD!!
Panel 8:
God: YEAH, SHE'S GONNA NEED YOU WHEN YOUR DAD GETS MAULED BY A BEAR.
Votey:
God (speech bubble on a black panel): The bear is a very good Christian.
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. A nun tells children, "Remember, kids, every day is a gift from God!" A red-haired child shouts "WHAT?!" then angrily demands of God: "Hey, God! Why'd you gift me a day where my dog got run over by the ambulance that was too late to save my grandma?!" God's voice answers calmly: "I had it narrowed down to either getting you a unicorn or doing the dead dog thing. I figured the dog thing would bring you closer to your mom." The child, still furious, slowly relents: "It... did. It did bring us closer together!" then throws both arms up joyfully: "Praise the Lord!!" God adds matter-of-factly: "Yeah, she's gonna need you when your dad gets mauled by a bear." The joke is God serenely planning a chain of tragedies as bonding opportunities. Votey (aftercomic): a black panel with a single speech bubble from God reading, "The bear is a very good Christian."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.