requiem-for-a-dil
Original: requiem-for-a-dil on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
(A parody in the visual style of Dilbert. Two office men: WALLY, who has two tufts of hair and glasses, and DILBERT, a bald man with glasses, plus their MANAGER and a dog, DOGBERT.)
Panel 1:
WALLY: Hell, Wally, I like it.
DILBERT: Wally?
Panel 2:
WALLY: I like it here. I like the damn beige cubicles and the fluorescent lights.
DILBERT: Hm?
Panel 3:
WALLY: Goddammit Wally, I love my job and it's the saddest thing I can imagine.
Panel 4:
WALLY: This! All this! The wires, and the screens, the parking lot! It's a gigantic mechanical mammon, devouring the best years of my life.
Panel 5:
DILBERT: Dilbert, I...
WALLY: Why can't I hold on to a girlfriend? I'm well off, stable, not unattractive. Why, then? Because I love work more!
Panel 6:
WALLY: Take it one day at a time, Wally.
DILBERT: I...
Panel 7:
WALLY: Why do I leave? If I feel anything less than adoration for this work, why haven't I quit? I'm an engineer, Wally. Our unemployment rate is negative.
Panel 8:
WALLY: I always thought it was them who kept me here! I told myself I wanted to leave. But look at me! I'm happy! I smile every day when I come here. Ha!
Panel 9:
WALLY: Every day, I'm told to obey some idiot manager, and I search the armory of my soul and find not one rebellious sword drawn from its scabbard!
Panel 10:
WALLY: For years I thought I hated my job! There would've been dignity in that. To beat against these corporate manacles.
Panel 11:
WALLY: By God Wally, that would've been manhood!
Panel 12:
WALLY: Every meaningful urge that time and struggle has gifted to Homo sapiens is dead in me! Drowned in a bathtub of mediocrity! And I can't even muster the damned decency to hate it!
Panel 13 (Dilbert confronts the Manager, gesturing at a trophy):
DILBERT: But look here! Look at this employee of the week trophy!
DILBERT: This plastic bauble than an hour of triumph or a week of fucking.
Panel 14:
DILBERT: You know I actually take pride in it? I feel more for this plastic bauble than an hour of triumph or a week of fucking.
Panel 15 (Dilbert grabs/shakes the Manager):
WALLY (the manager): Wally, by God, Dilbert! Stop it! You're hurting him!
Panel 16:
MANAGER: Jesus. Take the day off. Get some rest, man. Call me before you come in.
Panel 17 (a grey flashback-style panel: Dilbert as a boy taking photos):
SFX: Click! Yick click!
Later... (Dilbert sits with his dog Dogbert)
DILBERT: I keep trying to feel angry, Dogbert. I just can't.
DOGBERT: Why do I expect you to talk? You're just a damn dog.
DILBERT: I ought to kick you. You're better than me.
DOGBERT: If you were kicked, you'd be mad.
(Dogbert runs off into the dark; Dilbert chases.)
DILBERT: I'm sorry, Dogbert.
DILBERT: I'm sorry!
Votey:
Handwritten caption: "Still not as weird as Scott Adams' blog!"
Panel 1:
WALLY: Hell, Wally, I like it.
DILBERT: Wally?
Panel 2:
WALLY: I like it here. I like the damn beige cubicles and the fluorescent lights.
DILBERT: Hm?
Panel 3:
WALLY: Goddammit Wally, I love my job and it's the saddest thing I can imagine.
Panel 4:
WALLY: This! All this! The wires, and the screens, the parking lot! It's a gigantic mechanical mammon, devouring the best years of my life.
Panel 5:
DILBERT: Dilbert, I...
WALLY: Why can't I hold on to a girlfriend? I'm well off, stable, not unattractive. Why, then? Because I love work more!
Panel 6:
WALLY: Take it one day at a time, Wally.
DILBERT: I...
Panel 7:
WALLY: Why do I leave? If I feel anything less than adoration for this work, why haven't I quit? I'm an engineer, Wally. Our unemployment rate is negative.
Panel 8:
WALLY: I always thought it was them who kept me here! I told myself I wanted to leave. But look at me! I'm happy! I smile every day when I come here. Ha!
Panel 9:
WALLY: Every day, I'm told to obey some idiot manager, and I search the armory of my soul and find not one rebellious sword drawn from its scabbard!
Panel 10:
WALLY: For years I thought I hated my job! There would've been dignity in that. To beat against these corporate manacles.
Panel 11:
WALLY: By God Wally, that would've been manhood!
Panel 12:
WALLY: Every meaningful urge that time and struggle has gifted to Homo sapiens is dead in me! Drowned in a bathtub of mediocrity! And I can't even muster the damned decency to hate it!
Panel 13 (Dilbert confronts the Manager, gesturing at a trophy):
DILBERT: But look here! Look at this employee of the week trophy!
DILBERT: This plastic bauble than an hour of triumph or a week of fucking.
Panel 14:
DILBERT: You know I actually take pride in it? I feel more for this plastic bauble than an hour of triumph or a week of fucking.
Panel 15 (Dilbert grabs/shakes the Manager):
WALLY (the manager): Wally, by God, Dilbert! Stop it! You're hurting him!
Panel 16:
MANAGER: Jesus. Take the day off. Get some rest, man. Call me before you come in.
Panel 17 (a grey flashback-style panel: Dilbert as a boy taking photos):
SFX: Click! Yick click!
Later... (Dilbert sits with his dog Dogbert)
DILBERT: I keep trying to feel angry, Dogbert. I just can't.
DOGBERT: Why do I expect you to talk? You're just a damn dog.
DILBERT: I ought to kick you. You're better than me.
DOGBERT: If you were kicked, you'd be mad.
(Dogbert runs off into the dark; Dilbert chases.)
DILBERT: I'm sorry, Dogbert.
DILBERT: I'm sorry!
Votey:
Handwritten caption: "Still not as weird as Scott Adams' blog!"
Alt text
A long, multi-panel comic drawn in the visual style of Dilbert, parodying it. The two main characters are office men in white short-sleeve shirts and ties: Wally, who has two tufts of hair and glasses, and Dilbert, a bald man with glasses. Across many panels Wally delivers an anguished monologue about how he loves his soul-crushing corporate job, the beige cubicles and fluorescent lights, and how that love is the saddest thing he can imagine. He laments that he never rebels, that working killed every meaningful human urge in him, and that he can't even muster the decency to hate it. In another sequence a bald man (Dilbert) confronts and grabs the manager, ranting about taking pride in a plastic 'Employee of the Week' trophy; the manager tells him to take the day off and rest. A grey flashback-style panel shows a boy taking photos. Later, Dilbert sits with his dog Dogbert and says he keeps trying to feel angry but can't; Dogbert (in thought) wonders why Dilbert expects him to talk since he's just a dog. Dilbert says he ought to kick Dogbert because the dog is better than him; Dogbert thinks that if kicked he'd be mad. Dogbert runs off into the dark and Dilbert chases after him into a spotlight, shouting 'I'm sorry, Dogbert! I'm sorry!' The bonus votey panel is a hand-lettered caption that reads: 'Still not as weird as Scott Adams' blog!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.