christmastronomy
Original: christmastronomy on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (girl with curly hair asks a man):
Girl: Are do you know why Santa always seems to know about Christmas stuff cheaper in the world?
Panel 2 (the man, in glasses, explains; a diagram of a sun, planet orbit, and conjunction is shown):
Man: It's because Santa orbits the sun at the same distance as Earth only a little quirkier.
Man: His orbital period is much lower quarter than ours, thus causing Christmas to occur. Gradually slightly slower each year. Thus, seeing Santa junk in stores earlier each year.
Panel 3 (the diagram with the planetary path continues):
Man: As time wears on official Christmas and actual Christmas will become less and less congruent until Christmas stuff is in stores from March through August. We have been present during the calendar holiday.
Panel 4 (the man continues, girl listens):
Man: But eventually we will reach a special conjunction. A perfect alignment, a perfect eclipse, if you will.
Girl: That's not...
Panel 5 (close on the man's face, finger raised):
Man: Intellectualism is dead in this country.
Votey:
A close-up of a man's face, eyes closed, looking annoyed/resigned. Speech bubble:
Man: Don't you dare blame consumerism.
Girl: Are do you know why Santa always seems to know about Christmas stuff cheaper in the world?
Panel 2 (the man, in glasses, explains; a diagram of a sun, planet orbit, and conjunction is shown):
Man: It's because Santa orbits the sun at the same distance as Earth only a little quirkier.
Man: His orbital period is much lower quarter than ours, thus causing Christmas to occur. Gradually slightly slower each year. Thus, seeing Santa junk in stores earlier each year.
Panel 3 (the diagram with the planetary path continues):
Man: As time wears on official Christmas and actual Christmas will become less and less congruent until Christmas stuff is in stores from March through August. We have been present during the calendar holiday.
Panel 4 (the man continues, girl listens):
Man: But eventually we will reach a special conjunction. A perfect alignment, a perfect eclipse, if you will.
Girl: That's not...
Panel 5 (close on the man's face, finger raised):
Man: Intellectualism is dead in this country.
Votey:
A close-up of a man's face, eyes closed, looking annoyed/resigned. Speech bubble:
Man: Don't you dare blame consumerism.
Alt text
A five-panel SMBC comic. In panel one, a curly-haired girl asks a bespectacled man why Santa-themed Christmas merchandise seems to show up in stores earlier and cheaper every year. In the following panels the man launches into an elaborate pseudo-scientific explanation, illustrated with a diagram of the sun, an orbital path, and a planetary conjunction: he claims Santa orbits the sun at the same distance as Earth but on a 'quirkier,' slightly slower orbit, causing Christmas merchandise to appear progressively earlier each year. He says that eventually official Christmas and actual Christmas will drift so far apart that Christmas stuff will be in stores from March through August, until one day a 'special conjunction' or 'perfect eclipse' occurs. The girl starts to object ('That's not...'), and in the final panel the man, raising a finger, declares: 'Intellectualism is dead in this country.' The joke is that he has invented an absurd astronomical theory and treats skepticism of it as anti-intellectualism. Votey (aftercomic): a close-up of the man's face with eyes closed, looking annoyed, saying 'Don't you dare blame consumerism' — pre-empting the obvious real explanation for early Christmas merchandise.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.