welcome-to-heaven-loser
Original: welcome-to-heaven-loser on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Bearded man (greeter/host): WELCOME TO HEAVEN, LOSER.
Panel 2:
Other man: HEY, THAT'S MEAN! WHY WOULD YOU CALL ME THAT?
Panel 3:
Host: BECAUSE YOU SUCK. IT USED TO BE THAT HEAVEN WAS ALWAYS GETTING THESE RIGHTEOUS PSYCHO WARRIORS FOR GOD OR HOLY MARTYRS OR MYSTICAL ASCETICS.
Panel 4:
Host: THESE DAYS, ALL WE GET ARE DORKWADS WHO SPEND ALL THEIR TIME AT A GAME CONSOLE, RIDING IMAGINARY UNICORNS AND CONSUMING VIRTUAL PIXIE DUST. THUS ELIMINATING ALL THE SPARE TIME REQUIRED TO GET BUSY WITH SUPER-COOL WICKED LIFESTYLES!
Panel 5:
Other man: TECHNICALLY WE CAN'T CALL IT "SLOTH" BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN IS ACTIVE.
Panel 6:
Other man: I AM NOT JUST PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. I AM APPRECIATING LOGIC SYSTEMS PRESENTED IN THE FORM OF STORIES.
Host: UH HUH.
Panel 7:
Host (angry): YOU WANNA FIGHT? I WILL FIGHT YOU!
Panel 8:
Other man: YOU CAN'T FIGHT ANYONE DUE TO A LIFETIME OF GAMING. YOUR COORDINATION AND STRENGTH ARE CONCENTRATED ENTIRELY IN YOUR THUMBS.
Panel 9:
Host: HUH.
Other man: I'LL FIGHT YOU REAL HARD, MAN!
Panel 10:
Host: PLEASE CALM DOWN AND GO JOIN THE OTHER LOSERS IN HEAVEN.
Votey:
Close-up on the bearded host's face, with a speech bubble:
Host: At least get a PC, you peasant.
Bearded man (greeter/host): WELCOME TO HEAVEN, LOSER.
Panel 2:
Other man: HEY, THAT'S MEAN! WHY WOULD YOU CALL ME THAT?
Panel 3:
Host: BECAUSE YOU SUCK. IT USED TO BE THAT HEAVEN WAS ALWAYS GETTING THESE RIGHTEOUS PSYCHO WARRIORS FOR GOD OR HOLY MARTYRS OR MYSTICAL ASCETICS.
Panel 4:
Host: THESE DAYS, ALL WE GET ARE DORKWADS WHO SPEND ALL THEIR TIME AT A GAME CONSOLE, RIDING IMAGINARY UNICORNS AND CONSUMING VIRTUAL PIXIE DUST. THUS ELIMINATING ALL THE SPARE TIME REQUIRED TO GET BUSY WITH SUPER-COOL WICKED LIFESTYLES!
Panel 5:
Other man: TECHNICALLY WE CAN'T CALL IT "SLOTH" BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN IS ACTIVE.
Panel 6:
Other man: I AM NOT JUST PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. I AM APPRECIATING LOGIC SYSTEMS PRESENTED IN THE FORM OF STORIES.
Host: UH HUH.
Panel 7:
Host (angry): YOU WANNA FIGHT? I WILL FIGHT YOU!
Panel 8:
Other man: YOU CAN'T FIGHT ANYONE DUE TO A LIFETIME OF GAMING. YOUR COORDINATION AND STRENGTH ARE CONCENTRATED ENTIRELY IN YOUR THUMBS.
Panel 9:
Host: HUH.
Other man: I'LL FIGHT YOU REAL HARD, MAN!
Panel 10:
Host: PLEASE CALM DOWN AND GO JOIN THE OTHER LOSERS IN HEAVEN.
Votey:
Close-up on the bearded host's face, with a speech bubble:
Host: At least get a PC, you peasant.
Alt text
A ten-panel SMBC comic. A bearded man greeting new arrivals in heaven tells another man, "Welcome to heaven, loser." The newcomer protests being called that. The greeter explains that heaven used to receive righteous psycho warriors for God, holy martyrs, and mystical ascetics, but these days all they get are "dorkwads" who spend all their time at a game console riding imaginary unicorns and consuming virtual pixie dust, eliminating the spare time needed for super-cool wicked lifestyles. The newcomer counters that it technically can't be called "sloth" because his brain is active, and insists he isn't just playing video games but appreciating logic systems presented as stories. The greeter replies "Uh huh." The greeter, angered, says "You wanna fight? I will fight you!" The newcomer points out he can't fight anyone because a lifetime of gaming has concentrated all his coordination and strength entirely in his thumbs. The newcomer weakly threatens, "I'll fight you real hard, man!" and the greeter tells him to please calm down and go join the other losers in heaven. Votey (aftercomic): a close-up of the bearded greeter's face as he adds, "At least get a PC, you peasant."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.