naming-trends
Original: naming-trends on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (News anchor at desk): And a wave of child deaths has swept the nation.
Panel 2 (News anchor): As parents have begun to choose increasingly polysyllabic names for their children, the time required to warn them of impending danger has increased exponentially.
Panel 3 (News anchor): Just today, a child was captured by wild dogs, her mother attempted to say "Krystaella-Izabell-Degaulison!" "Don't go outside."
Panel 4 (News anchor): By the time paramedics arrived on the scene, she had just finished pronouncing the name, and the child was gone.
Panel 5 (News anchor): Sources close to the scene believe the mother may have been repeating her daughter's name over and over to herself, but it was unclear because nobody was there long enough to hear the name fully pronounced more than once.
Panel 6 (News anchor): Medical linguists are proposing a return to unattractively short names from the mid-20th century, like "Chuck" and "Joe," or just letting nature, red in tooth and claw, go about her bloody work.
Panel 7 (News anchor): We now turn to a roundtable of people willing to give stupid things up for money.
Panel 8 (A blonde woman on the left, the anchor on the right): Woman: I blame war widows for whatever you were just talking about.
Anchor: How shocking yet predictable.
Votey:
The anchor (close-up, looking weary): You disgust me, and are you available for next week's show?
Panel 2 (News anchor): As parents have begun to choose increasingly polysyllabic names for their children, the time required to warn them of impending danger has increased exponentially.
Panel 3 (News anchor): Just today, a child was captured by wild dogs, her mother attempted to say "Krystaella-Izabell-Degaulison!" "Don't go outside."
Panel 4 (News anchor): By the time paramedics arrived on the scene, she had just finished pronouncing the name, and the child was gone.
Panel 5 (News anchor): Sources close to the scene believe the mother may have been repeating her daughter's name over and over to herself, but it was unclear because nobody was there long enough to hear the name fully pronounced more than once.
Panel 6 (News anchor): Medical linguists are proposing a return to unattractively short names from the mid-20th century, like "Chuck" and "Joe," or just letting nature, red in tooth and claw, go about her bloody work.
Panel 7 (News anchor): We now turn to a roundtable of people willing to give stupid things up for money.
Panel 8 (A blonde woman on the left, the anchor on the right): Woman: I blame war widows for whatever you were just talking about.
Anchor: How shocking yet predictable.
Votey:
The anchor (close-up, looking weary): You disgust me, and are you available for next week's show?
Alt text
A black-and-white comic mostly showing a deadpan TV news anchor in a suit and tie seated at a desk, reading a dryly absurd report. He explains that a wave of child deaths has swept the nation because parents now choose increasingly polysyllabic names, so the time needed to shout a warning has grown exponentially. He cites a child captured by wild dogs while her mother tried to call out the name "Krystaella-Izabell-Degaulison!" before "Don't go outside"; by the time paramedics arrived she had only just finished pronouncing the name and the child was gone. He notes medical linguists propose returning to short mid-20th-century names like Chuck and Joe, or letting nature, red in tooth and claw, do its bloody work. He then turns to a roundtable of people willing to give up stupid things for money. A blonde woman appears beside him and says, "I blame war widows for whatever you were just talking about," and he replies, "How shocking yet predictable." Votey: a hand-lettered close-up of the weary anchor saying, "You disgust me, and are you available for next week's show?"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.