the-stats-device
Original: the-stats-device on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (narration caption): I have this fantasy where I have a device that gives you stats on anything.
Device speech bubble: 38% of people in this building wear white briefs.
(A person with long orange hair holds a phone-like device.)
Panel 2 (narration caption): I imagine it at least a few times a day.
Device speech bubble: You have sat on this chair 8,743 times.
Panel 3 (narration caption): I have had this fantasy for decades.
Three sub-panels showing the orange-haired person at different ages holding the device:
- Sub-panel A (as a child), device: Zero girls like your haircut.
- Sub-panel B (as a young man), device: Seven more interviews until you get a job.
- Sub-panel C (as a bearded adult), device: Zero spouses like your haircut.
Panel 4 (narration caption): But I only just realized that I have never once imagined using it productively.
Device speech bubble: How about you use me to determine the results of drug trials?
Person's speech bubble: Blah blah blah. Hey, how many different cows are in this burger?
smbc-comics.com
Votey:
A hand-drawn line graph. The vertical axis is labeled "niceness of my clothes" and the horizontal axis is labeled "success." The red curve rises into a small bump near the low-success region, then trends steadily downward toward zero as success increases.
Device speech bubble: 38% of people in this building wear white briefs.
(A person with long orange hair holds a phone-like device.)
Panel 2 (narration caption): I imagine it at least a few times a day.
Device speech bubble: You have sat on this chair 8,743 times.
Panel 3 (narration caption): I have had this fantasy for decades.
Three sub-panels showing the orange-haired person at different ages holding the device:
- Sub-panel A (as a child), device: Zero girls like your haircut.
- Sub-panel B (as a young man), device: Seven more interviews until you get a job.
- Sub-panel C (as a bearded adult), device: Zero spouses like your haircut.
Panel 4 (narration caption): But I only just realized that I have never once imagined using it productively.
Device speech bubble: How about you use me to determine the results of drug trials?
Person's speech bubble: Blah blah blah. Hey, how many different cows are in this burger?
smbc-comics.com
Votey:
A hand-drawn line graph. The vertical axis is labeled "niceness of my clothes" and the horizontal axis is labeled "success." The red curve rises into a small bump near the low-success region, then trends steadily downward toward zero as success increases.
Alt text
A four-panel SMBC comic about a person with long orange hair who has a fantasy device that displays statistics on anything. Panel 1, narration: "I have this fantasy where I have a device that gives you stats on anything," while the device reports "38% of people in this building wear white briefs." Panel 2, narration: "I imagine it at least a few times a day," device: "You have sat on this chair 8,743 times." Panel 3, narration: "I have had this fantasy for decades," shown across three small images of the character aging from child to bearded adult; the device says, in order, "Zero girls like your haircut," "Seven more interviews until you get a job," and "Zero spouses like your haircut." Panel 4, narration: "But I only just realized that I have never once imagined using it productively." The device suggests "How about you use me to determine the results of drug trials?" and the person ignores it, replying "Blah blah blah. Hey, how many different cows are in this burger?" The joke: even with an all-knowing data device, the character only ever uses it for trivial curiosities. Votey (bonus panel): a crude hand-drawn line graph with vertical axis "niceness of my clothes" and horizontal axis "success"; the red curve makes a small hump at low success, then slides downward as success rises, implying that the more successful you get, the worse-dressed you become.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.