clock
Original: clock on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): A sociological discovery was made.
Man (suited, at a desk): 90% of elite engineers were observed disassembling and reassembling clocks as children.
Panel 2 (caption): The media was notified.
NewsNet headline: MILLIONS OF CHILDREN ARE UNDERCLOCKED!
Lower banner: CRISIS
Reporter/man: It's not a crisis. The details--
Panel 3 (caption): A new program was instituted.
Woman: The updated achievement test will contain a clock assembly portion. Teachers of students who fail to assemble clocks properly will be punished.
Panel 4 (caption): After brief resistance, school employees got out of the way of progress.
Man: We cancelled art class to focus on... the basics of clock repair.
Woman: It's nice to hear that you finally care about your students.
Panel 5 (caption): As the phenomenon internationalized, xenophobia became the primary driver of education spending.
Man: Japanese children are breaking and reassembling clocks 12% better than our children. How did we let this come to pass?
Panel 6 (caption): War is politics by other means. Once education is politics, it must have soldiers by other means.
Woman (dark hair): I just don't see why a kindergartener needs 16 hours a day of clock homework.
Man: Chinese missiles can reach Washington in 27 minutes, ma'am. Connect the dots.
Panel 7 (caption): In time, more scientific details emerged.
Man: It was reverse causality. Future engineers like clocks as kids, not the other way around.
Other man: Huh.
Panel 8 (caption): But, by then, the train had left the station. The program is actually creating fewer engineers than before!
Man: So, you're saying we need more clock.
Panel 9 (caption): Science is dead. Engineering is static. The humanities are unknown. All is clock.
(Two figures stand facing each other, silent.)
Panel 10 (caption): Going by our clock-based metric, everything is great!
Man: According to the big clock, we clocked so much clock that we're off the clock!
Other man: Clock yeah!
Votey: A large smiling face fills the panel. A small figure (only partly visible) has a speech bubble in handwritten text reading: "We should clock."
Man (suited, at a desk): 90% of elite engineers were observed disassembling and reassembling clocks as children.
Panel 2 (caption): The media was notified.
NewsNet headline: MILLIONS OF CHILDREN ARE UNDERCLOCKED!
Lower banner: CRISIS
Reporter/man: It's not a crisis. The details--
Panel 3 (caption): A new program was instituted.
Woman: The updated achievement test will contain a clock assembly portion. Teachers of students who fail to assemble clocks properly will be punished.
Panel 4 (caption): After brief resistance, school employees got out of the way of progress.
Man: We cancelled art class to focus on... the basics of clock repair.
Woman: It's nice to hear that you finally care about your students.
Panel 5 (caption): As the phenomenon internationalized, xenophobia became the primary driver of education spending.
Man: Japanese children are breaking and reassembling clocks 12% better than our children. How did we let this come to pass?
Panel 6 (caption): War is politics by other means. Once education is politics, it must have soldiers by other means.
Woman (dark hair): I just don't see why a kindergartener needs 16 hours a day of clock homework.
Man: Chinese missiles can reach Washington in 27 minutes, ma'am. Connect the dots.
Panel 7 (caption): In time, more scientific details emerged.
Man: It was reverse causality. Future engineers like clocks as kids, not the other way around.
Other man: Huh.
Panel 8 (caption): But, by then, the train had left the station. The program is actually creating fewer engineers than before!
Man: So, you're saying we need more clock.
Panel 9 (caption): Science is dead. Engineering is static. The humanities are unknown. All is clock.
(Two figures stand facing each other, silent.)
Panel 10 (caption): Going by our clock-based metric, everything is great!
Man: According to the big clock, we clocked so much clock that we're off the clock!
Other man: Clock yeah!
Votey: A large smiling face fills the panel. A small figure (only partly visible) has a speech bubble in handwritten text reading: "We should clock."
Alt text
A tall ten-panel SMBC comic satirizing education policy, each panel introduced by a caption. Panel 1: a suited man at a desk says "90% of elite engineers were observed disassembling and reassembling clocks as children," under the caption "A sociological discovery was made." Panel 2: a NewsNet news graphic blares "MILLIONS OF CHILDREN ARE UNDERCLOCKED!" with a "CRISIS" banner, while a man protests "It's not a crisis. The details--". Panel 3: a woman announces an achievement test will include a clock-assembly portion and that teachers of failing students will be punished. Panel 4: a man admits art class was cancelled "to focus on the basics of clock repair"; a woman says it's nice he finally cares about his students. Panel 5: a man frets that Japanese children reassemble clocks 12% better than ours. Panel 6: a dark-haired woman questions why a kindergartener needs 16 hours a day of clock homework; a man warns "Chinese missiles can reach Washington in 27 minutes, ma'am. Connect the dots." Panel 7: a man reveals it was reverse causality--future engineers just like clocks--and another replies "Huh." Panel 8: the caption notes the program now creates fewer engineers, and a man concludes "So, you're saying we need more clock." Panel 9: two figures stand silently under the caption "Science is dead. Engineering is static. The humanities are unknown. All is clock." Panel 10: a man cheers "According to the big clock, we clocked so much clock that we're off the clock!" and another answers "Clock yeah!" The votey shows a large smiling face with a small figure beside it whose handwritten speech bubble simply reads "We should clock."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.