killing-hitler
Original: killing-hitler on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1
Caption: WE DISAGREED ON HOW TO USE THE TIME MACHINE.
Woman: I'M GOING BACK IN TIME TO KILL BABY HITLER.
Man: AND THE CONSEQUENCES WILL BE UNPREDICTABLE.
Panel 2
Caption: BUT THE RESULTS WERE HARD TO ARGUE WITH.
Woman: WORLD GDP IS UP 33%, HAPPINESS IS UP 56%, AND THE TOOTHBRUSH MUSTACHE IS WORN WITH PRIDE AROUND THE WORLD.
Panel 3
Caption: WE BECAME ADDICTS.
Woman: LET'S KILL STALIN! AND GENGHIS KHAN! AND THE GUY WHO FIRST PUT RAISINS IN CARROT CAKE!
Panel 4
Caption: THE RESULTS WERE INCREDIBLE.
Woman: HIGHER GDP, HIGHER HAPPINESS, AND JESUS COMES TO VISIT ON WEEKENDS!
Panel 5
Caption: SO WE KEPT GOING.
Woman: DEAD THE IMPALER!
Woman: JACK THE RIPPER!
Woman: THE FIRST GUY WHO PUT RAISINS IN COOKIES!
Panel 6
Caption: AN OPPORTUNITY AROSE.
Man (on TV/screen): THANK YOU FOR VOTING FOR THE TIME TRAVEL PARTY. WITH YOUR VOTE WE SHALL CONTINUE LOOKING BACKWARD!
Panel 7
Caption: INTRODUCING POLITICS INTO THE PROCESS PROVED TO BE A MISTAKE.
Man: YOUR CONSTITUENTS DEMAND THAT EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD SUDDENLY GET BETTER AT NO COST.
Woman: BUT WE'VE ALREADY KILLED THE WORST PEOPLE.
Man: HOW ABOUT THE PRETTY BAD PEOPLE?
Panel 8
Caption: WE BEGAN TO HUNT THE 'SEMI-VILLAINS OF HISTORY.'
Woman: I'LL LEAVE MY DISHES OUT SO MY ROOMMATES WILL HAVE TO DO THEM.
Sound effect: BANG! THUNK
Panel 9
Caption: WE HAD TO KILL LARGER AND LARGER NUMBERS OF PEOPLE TO GET THE SAME IMPROVEMENTS.
Woman: AND THIS WE CAN GATHER THEM IN A STADIUM AND ELECTROCUTE THEM.
Man: DO ALL YANKEE FANS HAVE TO DIE?
Woman: IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM DYING. IT'S ABOUT THE REST OF US LIVING WELL.
Panel 10
Caption: HUMANITY DWINDLED TO AN EVER SMALLER, EVER MORE SAINTLY POPULATION.
Man: HEAVEN! I FORGOT TO INCLUDE A THANK-YOU CARD WHEN I GAVE ALL MY SAVINGS TO CHARITY.
Sound effect: BANG! THUNK
Panel 11
Caption: AT LAST, I WAS THE ONLY ONE LEFT.
Panel 12
Caption: THAT WAS WHEN THE ALIENS FROM THE FUTURE CAME.
Woman: HUWAGO! WE GOT THE WORST SPECIES TO ELIMINATE ITSELF!
Alien: GALACTIC GDP IS UP 47%!
Votey:
Alien (with octopus-like / squid head): Their comics just kept getting longer!
Caption: WE DISAGREED ON HOW TO USE THE TIME MACHINE.
Woman: I'M GOING BACK IN TIME TO KILL BABY HITLER.
Man: AND THE CONSEQUENCES WILL BE UNPREDICTABLE.
Panel 2
Caption: BUT THE RESULTS WERE HARD TO ARGUE WITH.
Woman: WORLD GDP IS UP 33%, HAPPINESS IS UP 56%, AND THE TOOTHBRUSH MUSTACHE IS WORN WITH PRIDE AROUND THE WORLD.
Panel 3
Caption: WE BECAME ADDICTS.
Woman: LET'S KILL STALIN! AND GENGHIS KHAN! AND THE GUY WHO FIRST PUT RAISINS IN CARROT CAKE!
Panel 4
Caption: THE RESULTS WERE INCREDIBLE.
Woman: HIGHER GDP, HIGHER HAPPINESS, AND JESUS COMES TO VISIT ON WEEKENDS!
Panel 5
Caption: SO WE KEPT GOING.
Woman: DEAD THE IMPALER!
Woman: JACK THE RIPPER!
Woman: THE FIRST GUY WHO PUT RAISINS IN COOKIES!
Panel 6
Caption: AN OPPORTUNITY AROSE.
Man (on TV/screen): THANK YOU FOR VOTING FOR THE TIME TRAVEL PARTY. WITH YOUR VOTE WE SHALL CONTINUE LOOKING BACKWARD!
Panel 7
Caption: INTRODUCING POLITICS INTO THE PROCESS PROVED TO BE A MISTAKE.
Man: YOUR CONSTITUENTS DEMAND THAT EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD SUDDENLY GET BETTER AT NO COST.
Woman: BUT WE'VE ALREADY KILLED THE WORST PEOPLE.
Man: HOW ABOUT THE PRETTY BAD PEOPLE?
Panel 8
Caption: WE BEGAN TO HUNT THE 'SEMI-VILLAINS OF HISTORY.'
Woman: I'LL LEAVE MY DISHES OUT SO MY ROOMMATES WILL HAVE TO DO THEM.
Sound effect: BANG! THUNK
Panel 9
Caption: WE HAD TO KILL LARGER AND LARGER NUMBERS OF PEOPLE TO GET THE SAME IMPROVEMENTS.
Woman: AND THIS WE CAN GATHER THEM IN A STADIUM AND ELECTROCUTE THEM.
Man: DO ALL YANKEE FANS HAVE TO DIE?
Woman: IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM DYING. IT'S ABOUT THE REST OF US LIVING WELL.
Panel 10
Caption: HUMANITY DWINDLED TO AN EVER SMALLER, EVER MORE SAINTLY POPULATION.
Man: HEAVEN! I FORGOT TO INCLUDE A THANK-YOU CARD WHEN I GAVE ALL MY SAVINGS TO CHARITY.
Sound effect: BANG! THUNK
Panel 11
Caption: AT LAST, I WAS THE ONLY ONE LEFT.
Panel 12
Caption: THAT WAS WHEN THE ALIENS FROM THE FUTURE CAME.
Woman: HUWAGO! WE GOT THE WORST SPECIES TO ELIMINATE ITSELF!
Alien: GALACTIC GDP IS UP 47%!
Votey:
Alien (with octopus-like / squid head): Their comics just kept getting longer!
Alt text
A long vertical SMBC comic told in narrated panels about a couple who own a time machine. Panel 1, captioned "We disagreed on how to use the time machine," shows a woman saying she's going back to kill baby Hitler while a man warns the consequences will be unpredictable. Panel 2, "but the results were hard to argue with," the woman reports world GDP up 33%, happiness up 56%, and the toothbrush mustache worn with pride worldwide. Panel 3, "we became addicts," she gleefully proposes killing Stalin, Genghis Khan, and the guy who first put raisins in carrot cake. Panel 4, "the results were incredible," higher GDP, higher happiness, and Jesus visiting on weekends. Panel 5, "so we kept going," she lists Vlad the Impaler, Jack the Ripper, and the first guy who put raisins in cookies. Panel 6, "an opportunity arose," a politician on a screen thanks voters for the Time Travel Party, promising to keep looking backward. Panel 7, "introducing politics into the process proved to be a mistake," an official says constituents demand everything get better at no cost; she protests they've already killed the worst people, and he suggests the pretty bad people. Panel 8, "we began to hunt the semi-villains of history," a man confesses he leaves dishes out for roommates and is shot (BANG THUNK). Panel 9, "we had to kill larger and larger numbers of people for the same improvements," she proposes gathering people in a stadium to electrocute them, insisting it's not about them dying but about the rest living well. Panel 10, "humanity dwindled to an ever smaller, ever more saintly population," a man in heaven realizes he forgot a thank-you card after donating all his savings, and is shot. Panel 11, "at last, I was the only one left," a lone silhouette. Panel 12, "that was when the aliens from the future came," the woman cheers that they got the worst species to eliminate itself, and an alien announces galactic GDP is up 47%. The votey is a hand-drawn squid-headed alien in a speech bubble saying "Their comics just kept getting longer!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.