one-wish
Original: one-wish on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1
Narration: A man was given one wish.
Man (with flame-like hair / horns): I wish to outlive all of my enemies.
Panel 2
Narration: This created a perverse incentive.
Man: I need to make sure my enemies are healthy.
Panel 3
Narration: The man got to work.
Man (on phone): Bob! Long time no talk! Do you and my ex-wife still go on long hikes? You know, stress is hard on the heart!
Panel 4
Narration: His kindness was so earnest that people couldn't help but listen.
Man: No, you were right. In fact, you've been right so often, you deserve to retire. Move to the beach! Enjoy your money!
Other person: Maybe I should... I should thank you.
Panel 5
Narration: The kindness became reciprocal.
Woman: I'm sorry I once stabbed you in the neck.
Man: I'm sorry I set your house on fire.
Woman: Friends?
Man: Friends!
Panel 6
Narration: This created a problem.
Man (thinking): Oh god. They're no longer enemies.
Panel 7
Narration: The man set out to make new enemies. Enemies with ideal qualities.
Woman: Did you just call my baby a scumbag?
Man: I did. I mean, he's probably got, like, ninety years ahead of him.
Panel 8
Narration: But young people are hard to turn into foes.
Man: In this old dude called me a butthead and tried to fight me. Did you get a selfie?
Child: Oh yeah! Wanna watch cartoons?
Panel 9
Narration: Worse, the man's earlier kindness had spread into society.
Woman: No one knows what started it, but a wave of forgiveness is washing over the world.
Panel 10
Narration: The world became a place of love and kindness.
Man: Come in! I'm standing on your dog! Get mad!
Woman: I'm sure you have a good reason. And look! His tail is wagging.
Panel 11
Narration: Finally, he lost his sanity.
Man (screaming): There is no safety! There are no enemies!
Panel 12
Narration: His body outlived his mind.
Green figure / genie: Your wish is technically granted.
Votey:
A man sits next to a small fire.
Man: I gotta write shorter jokes.
Narration: A man was given one wish.
Man (with flame-like hair / horns): I wish to outlive all of my enemies.
Panel 2
Narration: This created a perverse incentive.
Man: I need to make sure my enemies are healthy.
Panel 3
Narration: The man got to work.
Man (on phone): Bob! Long time no talk! Do you and my ex-wife still go on long hikes? You know, stress is hard on the heart!
Panel 4
Narration: His kindness was so earnest that people couldn't help but listen.
Man: No, you were right. In fact, you've been right so often, you deserve to retire. Move to the beach! Enjoy your money!
Other person: Maybe I should... I should thank you.
Panel 5
Narration: The kindness became reciprocal.
Woman: I'm sorry I once stabbed you in the neck.
Man: I'm sorry I set your house on fire.
Woman: Friends?
Man: Friends!
Panel 6
Narration: This created a problem.
Man (thinking): Oh god. They're no longer enemies.
Panel 7
Narration: The man set out to make new enemies. Enemies with ideal qualities.
Woman: Did you just call my baby a scumbag?
Man: I did. I mean, he's probably got, like, ninety years ahead of him.
Panel 8
Narration: But young people are hard to turn into foes.
Man: In this old dude called me a butthead and tried to fight me. Did you get a selfie?
Child: Oh yeah! Wanna watch cartoons?
Panel 9
Narration: Worse, the man's earlier kindness had spread into society.
Woman: No one knows what started it, but a wave of forgiveness is washing over the world.
Panel 10
Narration: The world became a place of love and kindness.
Man: Come in! I'm standing on your dog! Get mad!
Woman: I'm sure you have a good reason. And look! His tail is wagging.
Panel 11
Narration: Finally, he lost his sanity.
Man (screaming): There is no safety! There are no enemies!
Panel 12
Narration: His body outlived his mind.
Green figure / genie: Your wish is technically granted.
Votey:
A man sits next to a small fire.
Man: I gotta write shorter jokes.
Alt text
A tall, multi-panel SMBC comic. Each panel has a red narration caption above it. (1) A man with flame-like hair is granted a wish: "I wish to outlive all of my enemies." Narration: this created a perverse incentive, so he resolves to keep his enemies healthy. (2-4) He works at it: phoning an enemy to warn that stress is hard on the heart, urging another to retire to the beach and relax. His earnest kindness wins people over. (5) The kindness becomes mutual; a woman apologizes for once stabbing him in the neck, he apologizes for setting her house on fire, and they declare themselves friends. (6) Problem: "They're no longer enemies." (7) He tries to make new, longer-lived enemies, insulting a woman's baby. (8) Young people won't become foes; a child he insulted just wants to watch cartoons. (9) His kindness has spread; a wave of forgiveness is washing over the world. (10) The world is now full of love; he stands on a woman's dog trying to provoke her, but she assumes he has a good reason and notes the dog's tail is wagging. (11) He finally snaps, screaming "There is no safety! There are no enemies!" (12) A green genie figure looks at his broken-minded body: "Your wish is technically granted" - his body has outlived his mind. Votey: a man sits beside a small fire and says, "I gotta write shorter jokes."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.