obliviocracy
Original: obliviocracy on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1
Caption: AS TECHNOLOGY ADVANCED, PERSONAL VICTORY BECAME EASIER TO DOCUMENT.
Man (holding a device): THIS DEVICE MEASURES EVERY SINGLE FAILURE OR SUCCESS IN EVERY PERSON'S LIFE.
Woman: WHY DO WE WANT THAT?
Man: MORE INFORMATION IS ALWAYS BETTER!
Panel 2
Caption: UNTESTED TECHNOLOGY ALWAYS COMES SHACKLED IN HOPE.
Woman: IT'S AMAZING HOW SIMILAR WE ALL ARE.
Man: WE ALL FAIL. WE ALL STRUGGLE. WE'RE ALL REDEEMED. MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS WHOLE, IMPERFECT PEOPLE.
Panel 3
Caption: HOPE WAS SOON REMOVED.
Woman: IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU LAUGHED AT AN ANTI-SEMITIC JOKE AT AGE ELEVEN.
Man: I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER.
Both: WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS.
Panel 4
Caption: DEMOCRATIC ELECTIONS BECAME ESPECIALLY HARD.
Woman: I AGREE WITH HIS POLICIES, BUT ACCORDING TO THIS, HE ONCE GOT A SLICE OUT OF A PIZZA THAT HAD HIS MOM AND MEANT FOR A CHURCH BAKE SALE.
Man: AND THIS MAN WANTS TO GOVERN ME?
Panel 5
Caption: MOST PEOPLE HAVE AN AVERAGE AMOUNT OF TRIUMPH AND FAILURE, BUT BY SHEER PROBABILITY A FEW PEOPLE EXPERIENCE ONLY SUCCESS.
Woman: OH WEIRD! I REVERSE-AGED THIS YEAR! WHAT'RE THE ODDS?!
Man (in a cape): DON'T ASK ME. I'M JUST A SUPERMODEL DELIVERING SEX AND CULTURE.
Panel 6
Caption: IN THE AGE OF TOTAL AWARENESS, THERE WERE THE ONLY ELECTABLE PEOPLE.
Woman: ACCORDING TO THIS, SHE SAVED A THOUSAND LIVES BY TRIPPING AND FALLING ON A FIRE ALARM JUST AS AN ARSONIST STRUCK.
Man: I AM PREPARED TO AGREE WITH HER VIEWS ON IRAN.
Panel 7
Caption: BUT DUE TO THEIR PERSONAL HISTORIES, THESE PEOPLE HAD NO IDEA HOW THE WORLD WORKS FOR EVERYONE ELSE.
Man: I DON'T SEE WHY PEOPLE ACT LIKE IT'S SO HARD TO BE PRESIDENT. ALL I DID WAS WANT IT, AND I GOT IT! LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE. NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I MUST GO MAKE RUSSIA UNILATERALLY DISARM.
Panel 8
Caption: OBLIVIOCRACY WENT POORLY.
Man: I KNOW THE INVASION IS UNUSUAL, BUT THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR ME, AND I BELIEVE THE CANADIANS WILL GREET US AS LIBERATORS.
Panel 9
Caption: FORTUNATELY ALL DEMOCRACIES HAD THE SAME PROBLEM.
Aide: MA'AM, MEXICO HAS CONQUERED THE SOUTHWEST. BOMBERS ARE HEADED TOWARD WASHINGTON.
Leader (woman): I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP. THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR ME AFTER A NAP.
Panel 10
Caption: UNFORTUNATELY, NOT ALL COUNTRIES ARE DEMOCRACIES.
Man: I PROCLAIM MYSELF KING OF AMERICA!
Bystander: HA! WHAT! IT'S LIKE I'M IN A MOVIE!
Panel 11
Caption: THE WORLD IS NOW RUN BY A SMALL NUMBER OF VICIOUS AUTOCRATS. ALL INFORMATION IS CENTRALIZED AND CONTROLLED.
Man (servant): HEY HOW COME I CAN'T LOOK UP ANYONE'S SUCCESSES AND FAILURES?
Autocrat: YOU STILL CAN! FOR SOME PEOPLE. LOOK, THERE'S A WHOLE LIST OF THE GLORIOUS LEADER'S VICTORIES.
Servant: WOW! HE WON THE WORLD CUP BY HIMSELF?!
Panel 12
Caption: IT'S SO FREEING!
Woman: NOW, NOBODY KNOWS I ONCE TRIED TO ASK A GUY OUT BY QUOTING STAR TREK!
Overlord (off-panel): HEY! GET BACK IN THE ACID MINES!
Woman: YES, MA'AM!
Votey:
A bald man with a large nose, smiling, peers in from the lower right.
Man: OOH! THERE'S NO FACEBOOK DOWN HERE!
Caption: AS TECHNOLOGY ADVANCED, PERSONAL VICTORY BECAME EASIER TO DOCUMENT.
Man (holding a device): THIS DEVICE MEASURES EVERY SINGLE FAILURE OR SUCCESS IN EVERY PERSON'S LIFE.
Woman: WHY DO WE WANT THAT?
Man: MORE INFORMATION IS ALWAYS BETTER!
Panel 2
Caption: UNTESTED TECHNOLOGY ALWAYS COMES SHACKLED IN HOPE.
Woman: IT'S AMAZING HOW SIMILAR WE ALL ARE.
Man: WE ALL FAIL. WE ALL STRUGGLE. WE'RE ALL REDEEMED. MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS WHOLE, IMPERFECT PEOPLE.
Panel 3
Caption: HOPE WAS SOON REMOVED.
Woman: IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU LAUGHED AT AN ANTI-SEMITIC JOKE AT AGE ELEVEN.
Man: I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER.
Both: WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS.
Panel 4
Caption: DEMOCRATIC ELECTIONS BECAME ESPECIALLY HARD.
Woman: I AGREE WITH HIS POLICIES, BUT ACCORDING TO THIS, HE ONCE GOT A SLICE OUT OF A PIZZA THAT HAD HIS MOM AND MEANT FOR A CHURCH BAKE SALE.
Man: AND THIS MAN WANTS TO GOVERN ME?
Panel 5
Caption: MOST PEOPLE HAVE AN AVERAGE AMOUNT OF TRIUMPH AND FAILURE, BUT BY SHEER PROBABILITY A FEW PEOPLE EXPERIENCE ONLY SUCCESS.
Woman: OH WEIRD! I REVERSE-AGED THIS YEAR! WHAT'RE THE ODDS?!
Man (in a cape): DON'T ASK ME. I'M JUST A SUPERMODEL DELIVERING SEX AND CULTURE.
Panel 6
Caption: IN THE AGE OF TOTAL AWARENESS, THERE WERE THE ONLY ELECTABLE PEOPLE.
Woman: ACCORDING TO THIS, SHE SAVED A THOUSAND LIVES BY TRIPPING AND FALLING ON A FIRE ALARM JUST AS AN ARSONIST STRUCK.
Man: I AM PREPARED TO AGREE WITH HER VIEWS ON IRAN.
Panel 7
Caption: BUT DUE TO THEIR PERSONAL HISTORIES, THESE PEOPLE HAD NO IDEA HOW THE WORLD WORKS FOR EVERYONE ELSE.
Man: I DON'T SEE WHY PEOPLE ACT LIKE IT'S SO HARD TO BE PRESIDENT. ALL I DID WAS WANT IT, AND I GOT IT! LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE. NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I MUST GO MAKE RUSSIA UNILATERALLY DISARM.
Panel 8
Caption: OBLIVIOCRACY WENT POORLY.
Man: I KNOW THE INVASION IS UNUSUAL, BUT THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR ME, AND I BELIEVE THE CANADIANS WILL GREET US AS LIBERATORS.
Panel 9
Caption: FORTUNATELY ALL DEMOCRACIES HAD THE SAME PROBLEM.
Aide: MA'AM, MEXICO HAS CONQUERED THE SOUTHWEST. BOMBERS ARE HEADED TOWARD WASHINGTON.
Leader (woman): I'M GONNA TAKE A NAP. THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR ME AFTER A NAP.
Panel 10
Caption: UNFORTUNATELY, NOT ALL COUNTRIES ARE DEMOCRACIES.
Man: I PROCLAIM MYSELF KING OF AMERICA!
Bystander: HA! WHAT! IT'S LIKE I'M IN A MOVIE!
Panel 11
Caption: THE WORLD IS NOW RUN BY A SMALL NUMBER OF VICIOUS AUTOCRATS. ALL INFORMATION IS CENTRALIZED AND CONTROLLED.
Man (servant): HEY HOW COME I CAN'T LOOK UP ANYONE'S SUCCESSES AND FAILURES?
Autocrat: YOU STILL CAN! FOR SOME PEOPLE. LOOK, THERE'S A WHOLE LIST OF THE GLORIOUS LEADER'S VICTORIES.
Servant: WOW! HE WON THE WORLD CUP BY HIMSELF?!
Panel 12
Caption: IT'S SO FREEING!
Woman: NOW, NOBODY KNOWS I ONCE TRIED TO ASK A GUY OUT BY QUOTING STAR TREK!
Overlord (off-panel): HEY! GET BACK IN THE ACID MINES!
Woman: YES, MA'AM!
Votey:
A bald man with a large nose, smiling, peers in from the lower right.
Man: OOH! THERE'S NO FACEBOOK DOWN HERE!
Alt text
A tall SMBC comic with captioned panels narrating a dystopia that begins with total personal-data tracking. As technology advances, a man invents a device that measures every success or failure in every person's life, insisting more information is always better. At first people hope it will show how similar everyone is and let them accept each other as imperfect; instead it instantly destroys friendships (a woman ends a friendship over an anti-Semitic joke the man laughed at when he was eleven and doesn't even remember). Democratic elections become impossible because every candidate has some petty recorded failure. The only people electable are statistical flukes who experienced only success, like a reverse-aging supermodel and a woman who accidentally stopped an arsonist. But these flukes have no idea how the world works: a new president cheerfully says being president was easy because he simply wanted it, and announces he'll make Russia unilaterally disarm; another expects Canadians to greet invaders as liberators; a leader takes a nap while Mexico conquers the Southwest and bombers head for Washington, because things always work out for her after a nap. Since not all countries are democracies, a man simply proclaims himself King of America while a bystander laughs that it's like being in a movie. The world ends up run by a few vicious autocrats who centralize all information: a servant can only look up the Glorious Leader's victories (he won the World Cup by himself). The final panel shows a woman saying it's freeing that no one knows she once tried to ask a guy out by quoting Star Trek, just before an overlord yells at her to get back in the acid mines, and she answers 'Yes, ma'am!' Votey: a bald, big-nosed man smiles and leans in, saying 'Ooh! There's no Facebook down here!' -- finding the bright side of working in the acid mines.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.