potential-mates
Original: potential-mates on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Narration: As population expanded, so did the number of potential mates per person.
Girl (to woman): You're lucky! When I was a little girl, there were only three human males. Now there are seven! That's way more dating options nowadays.
Narration: But, most of those mates were inaccessible.
Woman: I am not going to travel forty miles and learn a new dialect just so I can be with a person who understands my innermost self.
Narration: Later, travel became cheap when translation software was perfected, and dating software was optimized.
Man: What about it?
Woman: Estimated relationship lifespan is 1,312 years. If extreme longevity is discovered, it won't work out.
Narration: People made ever more specific demands.
Woman (in bed): The sex was incredible, and I could spend a lifetime just talking to you. But I want a guy who parts his hair on the other side.
Man: I could do that.
Woman: I mean without me asking.
Narration: Since the algorithm favored aggorative mating, couples tended to be genetically similar.
Man: I've always wanted to meet someone else with four legs and severe hirsutism.
Woman: ME TOO!
Narration: Most humans couldn't find the perfect mate, but those who did felt a profound urge to procreate.
Creature: There should be more of this.
Narration: In time, humanity split into a few different species.
Man: I think we should call it Seth-Wade-Hooded speciation.
Other man: That's just the sort of stupid notion I'd expect from a descendant of Jog and Sally.
Narration: Each lineage was so genetically homogenous it was extremely vulnerable to biological warfare. Once this was realized, Armageddon was inevitable.
Scientist: In today's news, all progeny of Underbo and Frinka will be dead soon. Myself included! Interestingly, we'll all have exactly the same symptoms.
Narration: When civilization fell apart, the only survivors were people who were okay mating across species lines.
Duck-billed creature (to another): Hey baby. Nice cloaca.
Narration: 100,000 years later, you were watching porno on the internet. And, well... now you know why you feel the way you do post-orgasm.
Man (at computer): Why don't I get disgust reflex anymore? This browser history...
Votey: A large "MWACK!" is written at the top. Below, a long-billed bird-like creature is shown nuzzling or kissing the cloaca/rear of another creature, depicting the interspecies mating beat from the final panels.
Girl (to woman): You're lucky! When I was a little girl, there were only three human males. Now there are seven! That's way more dating options nowadays.
Narration: But, most of those mates were inaccessible.
Woman: I am not going to travel forty miles and learn a new dialect just so I can be with a person who understands my innermost self.
Narration: Later, travel became cheap when translation software was perfected, and dating software was optimized.
Man: What about it?
Woman: Estimated relationship lifespan is 1,312 years. If extreme longevity is discovered, it won't work out.
Narration: People made ever more specific demands.
Woman (in bed): The sex was incredible, and I could spend a lifetime just talking to you. But I want a guy who parts his hair on the other side.
Man: I could do that.
Woman: I mean without me asking.
Narration: Since the algorithm favored aggorative mating, couples tended to be genetically similar.
Man: I've always wanted to meet someone else with four legs and severe hirsutism.
Woman: ME TOO!
Narration: Most humans couldn't find the perfect mate, but those who did felt a profound urge to procreate.
Creature: There should be more of this.
Narration: In time, humanity split into a few different species.
Man: I think we should call it Seth-Wade-Hooded speciation.
Other man: That's just the sort of stupid notion I'd expect from a descendant of Jog and Sally.
Narration: Each lineage was so genetically homogenous it was extremely vulnerable to biological warfare. Once this was realized, Armageddon was inevitable.
Scientist: In today's news, all progeny of Underbo and Frinka will be dead soon. Myself included! Interestingly, we'll all have exactly the same symptoms.
Narration: When civilization fell apart, the only survivors were people who were okay mating across species lines.
Duck-billed creature (to another): Hey baby. Nice cloaca.
Narration: 100,000 years later, you were watching porno on the internet. And, well... now you know why you feel the way you do post-orgasm.
Man (at computer): Why don't I get disgust reflex anymore? This browser history...
Votey: A large "MWACK!" is written at the top. Below, a long-billed bird-like creature is shown nuzzling or kissing the cloaca/rear of another creature, depicting the interspecies mating beat from the final panels.
Alt text
A tall SMBC comic strip with narration boxes tracing the absurd evolutionary future of human mating. Panel 1 (red): a girl tells a woman she's lucky there are now seven human males to date instead of three. Panel 2: a frustrated woman refuses to travel forty miles and learn a new dialect for love. Panel 3: with cheap travel and optimized dating software, a woman rejects a man because their estimated relationship lifespan of 1,312 years won't survive if extreme longevity is discovered. Panel 4: in bed, a woman tells her partner the sex was incredible but she wants a man who parts his hair on the other side; when he offers to, she says she means without being asked. Panel 5: two four-legged, extremely hairy creatures delightedly discover they both have four legs and severe hirsutism. Panel 6: a creature, urged to procreate, declares there should be more of this. Panel 7: humanity has split into species; two men argue over naming the speciation and insult each other's lineage (Jog and Sally). Panel 8: a scientist on the news cheerfully reports that all descendants of Underbo and Frinka, himself included, will soon die of identical symptoms due to genetic homogeneity and biological warfare. Panel 9: after civilization's collapse, a surviving duck-billed creature flirts with another, complimenting its cloaca. Final panel: 100,000 years later, a man at a computer wonders why he no longer feels a disgust reflex, blaming his browser history, explaining why humans feel strange after orgasm. Votey: the word "MWACK!" is written large, and below it a long-billed bird-like creature nuzzles the rear/cloaca of another creature, illustrating the interspecies mating punchline.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.