2014-11-02
Original: 2014-11-02 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (narration): About 300,000 years ago, it was discovered that spaceborne could be powered by ennui.
Panel 2 (narration): This was bad, because our society is perfected and happy.
Panel 3 (narration): So, we came to this planet, found some apes, then modified their minds so they couldn't experience defective happiness. All of their happiness would be in response to the relative state of OTHER such beings. Or, to what they could imagine themselves having.
Alien: Humans.
Panel 4 (narration): Everywhere else in the universe, a being is happy to have a piece of candy. A HUMAN is only happy if she has this and everybody else has one. And even then, she starts imagining THREE.
Panel 5:
Alien: So... our perpetual hedonic crisis powers your ships?
Alien (2nd): Yep.
Alien (3rd): Yep.
Panel 6:
Alien: So, we're just a fuel source.
Alien (2nd): Yep.
Panel 7:
Man: So human life isn't meaningless?!
Man (cont): Wait, wait, no!
Alien: I have meaning! I matter! I'm special!
Panel 8:
Man (smiling smugly): Stop it! Don't tell any other humans!
Panel 9:
Man (whispering): Gimme ten million tons of gold and I'll keep quiet.
Alien: It's yours.
Panel 10 (caption box): Ten minutes later...
Panel 11 (caption box): Should've asked for eleven million.
Votey:
Man (speech bubble): Then I'd be happy forever!
Panel 2 (narration): This was bad, because our society is perfected and happy.
Panel 3 (narration): So, we came to this planet, found some apes, then modified their minds so they couldn't experience defective happiness. All of their happiness would be in response to the relative state of OTHER such beings. Or, to what they could imagine themselves having.
Alien: Humans.
Panel 4 (narration): Everywhere else in the universe, a being is happy to have a piece of candy. A HUMAN is only happy if she has this and everybody else has one. And even then, she starts imagining THREE.
Panel 5:
Alien: So... our perpetual hedonic crisis powers your ships?
Alien (2nd): Yep.
Alien (3rd): Yep.
Panel 6:
Alien: So, we're just a fuel source.
Alien (2nd): Yep.
Panel 7:
Man: So human life isn't meaningless?!
Man (cont): Wait, wait, no!
Alien: I have meaning! I matter! I'm special!
Panel 8:
Man (smiling smugly): Stop it! Don't tell any other humans!
Panel 9:
Man (whispering): Gimme ten million tons of gold and I'll keep quiet.
Alien: It's yours.
Panel 10 (caption box): Ten minutes later...
Panel 11 (caption box): Should've asked for eleven million.
Votey:
Man (speech bubble): Then I'd be happy forever!
Alt text
A tall SMBC comic. Two green bug-eyed aliens explain humanity's origin to a red-haired human man. Narration over the alien panels: about 300,000 years ago it was discovered that spaceships could be powered by ennui, but this was bad because the aliens' own society is perfected and happy. So they came to Earth, found apes, and modified their minds so they could not experience normal happiness; instead all human happiness is relative to other beings or to what humans imagine they could have. They are called 'Humans.' Everywhere else in the universe a being is happy to have a piece of candy, but a human is only happy if she and everybody else has one, and even then she starts imagining three. The man asks if humanity's perpetual hedonic crisis powers their ships; the aliens reply 'Yep.' He realizes humans are just a fuel source. He blurts that human life isn't meaningless after all ('I have meaning! I matter! I'm special!'), then grins smugly and tells the alien to stop and not tell any other humans. Whispering, he demands ten million tons of gold to keep quiet; the alien agrees it's his. A caption reads 'Ten minutes later...' and the final panel caption: 'Should've asked for eleven million.' Votey: a close-up of the man's mouth as he says in a speech bubble, 'Then I'd be happy forever!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.