2014-06-21
Original: 2014-06-21 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A man speaking at a podium.
Speaker: In 1950, Alan Turing proposed a test to determine whether a machine has human intelligence.
Panel 2:
Speaker: But this test is not general enough. It only distinguishes human from machine. And, it only determines ability to *seem* human. It does not tell you whether an entity possesses human moral standing.
Panel 3:
Speaker: We propose a new protocol.
(A chart is shown with axes. The vertical axis is labeled "RWA" with rows "Fish, Fish, Cat" and "Cetacean." The horizontal axis is labeled "Auto, Liberalo Transport, Dog, Hi, Approx.")
Panel 4:
Speaker: The further right you go on the scale, the more uncomfortable it is for the entity to watch you poop.
(Right side: a cat.)
Text (cat side): Cats can watch you poop with minimal discomfort. As we walk along the scale toward watching dogs and cephalopods, we experience only mild discomfort.
Panel 5: A dolphin appears.
Speaker: Here is the face of a dolphin watching you poop. On this basis, we propose an end to any form of dolphin hunting.
Panel 6:
Speaker: This method is so robust, to our surprise, it extends beyond humans. When we originally considered as the maximally awkward poop-watchers, the following is a simulation of a perfected mind woven of spacetime as it watches you poop.
Panel 7: A glowing golden cube/tesseract is shown.
Speaker: Note that the overmind does not feel awkward for pooping in *your* presence.
Panel 8:
Speaker: I take your silence for bewilderment.
Panel 9:
Speaker: In sum, the defecation-moderated awkwardness test is a generalized method to determine relative moral standing. We propose its use both for future tests of alien sapience and as a way to determine which animals are food and which are friends.
Panel 10: A woman in the audience raises her hand.
Woman: What about human couples who use the bathroom at the same time?
Panel 11:
Speaker: I stand by my theory.
Votey:
(A person lies in bed, thinking.)
Thought bubble: I need a Philosophy BAHFest.
Speaker: In 1950, Alan Turing proposed a test to determine whether a machine has human intelligence.
Panel 2:
Speaker: But this test is not general enough. It only distinguishes human from machine. And, it only determines ability to *seem* human. It does not tell you whether an entity possesses human moral standing.
Panel 3:
Speaker: We propose a new protocol.
(A chart is shown with axes. The vertical axis is labeled "RWA" with rows "Fish, Fish, Cat" and "Cetacean." The horizontal axis is labeled "Auto, Liberalo Transport, Dog, Hi, Approx.")
Panel 4:
Speaker: The further right you go on the scale, the more uncomfortable it is for the entity to watch you poop.
(Right side: a cat.)
Text (cat side): Cats can watch you poop with minimal discomfort. As we walk along the scale toward watching dogs and cephalopods, we experience only mild discomfort.
Panel 5: A dolphin appears.
Speaker: Here is the face of a dolphin watching you poop. On this basis, we propose an end to any form of dolphin hunting.
Panel 6:
Speaker: This method is so robust, to our surprise, it extends beyond humans. When we originally considered as the maximally awkward poop-watchers, the following is a simulation of a perfected mind woven of spacetime as it watches you poop.
Panel 7: A glowing golden cube/tesseract is shown.
Speaker: Note that the overmind does not feel awkward for pooping in *your* presence.
Panel 8:
Speaker: I take your silence for bewilderment.
Panel 9:
Speaker: In sum, the defecation-moderated awkwardness test is a generalized method to determine relative moral standing. We propose its use both for future tests of alien sapience and as a way to determine which animals are food and which are friends.
Panel 10: A woman in the audience raises her hand.
Woman: What about human couples who use the bathroom at the same time?
Panel 11:
Speaker: I stand by my theory.
Votey:
(A person lies in bed, thinking.)
Thought bubble: I need a Philosophy BAHFest.
Alt text
An eleven-panel comic. A balding man in a suit lectures at a podium. He explains that Alan Turing's 1950 test only checks whether a machine seems human and intelligent, not whether an entity has human moral standing, so he proposes a new protocol. He presents a chart with labeled axes (animals and a 'cetacean' row). He explains that the further right an entity is on the scale, the more uncomfortable it is for that entity to watch you poop: cats watch with minimal discomfort, dogs and cephalopods cause only mild discomfort. A dolphin appears with a pained expression; he says this is the face of a dolphin watching you poop and proposes ending dolphin hunting. He says the method extends beyond humans and shows a glowing golden cube, a simulated 'perfected mind woven of spacetime' watching you poop, noting the overmind feels no awkwardness pooping in your presence. He takes the audience's silence for bewilderment. He sums up that this defecation-moderated awkwardness test determines relative moral standing, useful for testing alien sapience and deciding which animals are food versus friends. A woman in the audience raises her hand and asks what about human couples who use the bathroom at the same time. The speaker replies, 'I stand by my theory.' Votey: a person lies in bed with a thought bubble reading 'I need a Philosophy BAHFest.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.