2014-06-15
Original: 2014-06-15 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman at podium: A lot of students have been protesting university commencement speakers lately.
Panel 2:
Woman at podium: This is usually because the students disagree with the speakers' views or actions, and therefore don't want to hear from them.
Panel 3:
Woman at podium: What you students may not realize is that the point of a commencement speech isn't the words. If you want inspiration or profound insight or whatever, well, you should've got it in literature class.
Panel 4:
Woman at podium: No. The point of the speaker is to show you how much money our university can afford to spend on 30 minutes of platitudes. We need to show off our brand. You need our brand to get a job.
Panel 5:
Woman at podium: So, we have reached a compromise solution: for commencement this year, we have simply heaped a pile of cash on the dais.
Woman at podium (right side): I will now set the cash on fire. As the flame burns down, you will receive your degrees.
[A pile of green cash sits on the podium.]
Panel 6:
[A banner reads: CONGRATULATIONS GRADUATES. A tiny figure stands beside the burning pile of cash; flames and smoke rise.]
Panel 7 (bottom):
Figure on left: I feel like I'm actually learning a lesson from this speech.
Figure on right: If so, it is purely unintentional.
Votey:
Caption: OLD MAN WEINERSMITH SHAKES HIS FIST!
[A close-up of an old bearded man's grimacing face with his raised fist.]
Woman at podium: A lot of students have been protesting university commencement speakers lately.
Panel 2:
Woman at podium: This is usually because the students disagree with the speakers' views or actions, and therefore don't want to hear from them.
Panel 3:
Woman at podium: What you students may not realize is that the point of a commencement speech isn't the words. If you want inspiration or profound insight or whatever, well, you should've got it in literature class.
Panel 4:
Woman at podium: No. The point of the speaker is to show you how much money our university can afford to spend on 30 minutes of platitudes. We need to show off our brand. You need our brand to get a job.
Panel 5:
Woman at podium: So, we have reached a compromise solution: for commencement this year, we have simply heaped a pile of cash on the dais.
Woman at podium (right side): I will now set the cash on fire. As the flame burns down, you will receive your degrees.
[A pile of green cash sits on the podium.]
Panel 6:
[A banner reads: CONGRATULATIONS GRADUATES. A tiny figure stands beside the burning pile of cash; flames and smoke rise.]
Panel 7 (bottom):
Figure on left: I feel like I'm actually learning a lesson from this speech.
Figure on right: If so, it is purely unintentional.
Votey:
Caption: OLD MAN WEINERSMITH SHAKES HIS FIST!
[A close-up of an old bearded man's grimacing face with his raised fist.]
Alt text
A seven-panel SMBC comic. A woman stands at a podium delivering a commencement speech. She explains that students have been protesting university commencement speakers because they disagree with the speakers' views, then says the point of a commencement speech isn't the words — if you wanted inspiration you should have gotten it in literature class. She continues: the real point of the speaker is to show how much money the university can afford to spend on 30 minutes of platitudes, to show off the brand students need to get a job. So as a compromise this year, the university has simply heaped a pile of green cash on the dais; another speaker announces she will set the cash on fire, and as the flames burn down the graduates will receive their degrees. Under a 'CONGRATULATIONS GRADUATES' banner, a tiny figure stands beside a burning, smoking pile of money. At the bottom, one figure says 'I feel like I'm actually learning a lesson from this speech,' and another replies 'If so, it is purely unintentional.' Votey: a caption reads 'OLD MAN WEINERSMITH SHAKES HIS FIST!' above a close-up of a grimacing old bearded man raising his fist.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.