2013-07-25
Original: 2013-07-25 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (news anchor at desk):
News Anchor: Grave news, everyone. According to a recently leaked document, our government hides under bridges, kidnaps passing children, and grinds their bones to make its bread.
Panel 2:
News Anchor: The president has issued a statement saying he was not aware of the alleged bonemeal issue.
Panel 3 (an inset shows two figures in a dim setting):
News Anchor: As proof that this is possible, he issued this photo of himself playing with action figures while the secretary of defense desperately tries to get his attention.
Panel 4:
News Anchor: Members of his party have noted that the other party also grinds the bones of dead children to make its bread, and those members weren't complaining back then, even though it's such a gross violation of the constitution.
Panel 5:
News Anchor: Hold on. This just in: In a world exclusive, we've acquired documents showing that the leaker said dumb things on Facebook once.
Panel 6:
News Anchor: We have also obtained video of him putting his finger in his ear, examining the result, then wiping it on his pants.
Panel 7:
News Anchor: And according to testimony from his ex-girlfriend ten years ago, he enjoys the vile act known as "coitus."
Panel 8:
News Anchor: We now go live to a simulation of him and Hitler sharing a high five.
Panel 9 (anchor looks startled):
News Anchor: Wait, did you say something about the government eating children?
Off-screen voice: I'm not sure. It's been so long.
Votey: A hand-lettered panel reads: "Today's comic is an allegory for the war of 1812."
News Anchor: Grave news, everyone. According to a recently leaked document, our government hides under bridges, kidnaps passing children, and grinds their bones to make its bread.
Panel 2:
News Anchor: The president has issued a statement saying he was not aware of the alleged bonemeal issue.
Panel 3 (an inset shows two figures in a dim setting):
News Anchor: As proof that this is possible, he issued this photo of himself playing with action figures while the secretary of defense desperately tries to get his attention.
Panel 4:
News Anchor: Members of his party have noted that the other party also grinds the bones of dead children to make its bread, and those members weren't complaining back then, even though it's such a gross violation of the constitution.
Panel 5:
News Anchor: Hold on. This just in: In a world exclusive, we've acquired documents showing that the leaker said dumb things on Facebook once.
Panel 6:
News Anchor: We have also obtained video of him putting his finger in his ear, examining the result, then wiping it on his pants.
Panel 7:
News Anchor: And according to testimony from his ex-girlfriend ten years ago, he enjoys the vile act known as "coitus."
Panel 8:
News Anchor: We now go live to a simulation of him and Hitler sharing a high five.
Panel 9 (anchor looks startled):
News Anchor: Wait, did you say something about the government eating children?
Off-screen voice: I'm not sure. It's been so long.
Votey: A hand-lettered panel reads: "Today's comic is an allegory for the war of 1812."
Alt text
A tall black-and-white SMBC strip showing a single news anchor seated at a desk, delivering an increasingly absurd, smear-filled broadcast across nine panels. He reports that a leaked document claims the government hides under bridges, kidnaps children, and grinds their bones to make bread; that the president denies being aware of the "bonemeal issue" and offers as proof a photo (shown in a dim inset) of himself playing with action figures while the Secretary of Defense tries to get his attention. The anchor then pivots to attacking the leaker rather than the allegation: noting the other party also grinds children's bones, then breaking "exclusives" that the leaker once said dumb things on Facebook, was filmed picking his ear and wiping it on his pants, and per a ten-year-old ex-girlfriend enjoys "the vile act known as 'coitus,'" before cutting to a simulation of the leaker high-fiving Hitler. In the final panel the anchor looks startled and asks, "Wait, did you say something about the government eating children?" and an off-screen voice replies, "I'm not sure. It's been so long." The joke skewers media deflection from a real scandal onto trivial character assassination. Votey: a hand-lettered panel reading "Today's comic is an allegory for the war of 1812."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.