2013-02-05
Original: 2013-02-05 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A woman with glasses in a red blazer stands presenting to colleagues at a conference table, gesturing to a chart on the wall showing a sharp spike.
Woman (presenter): "Young people today value honesty. For example, when companies make errors and publicly apologize, their sales tend to soar."
Panel 2: A man with reddish hair in a gray suit and yellow tie.
Man: "So, the lesson is that we should make our business more transparent?"
Panel 3: The presenter, smiling.
Presenter: "No. According to this analysis, you can make 3.4 errors per year, from which you reap the 'apology bump' without alienating your customers."
Panel 4: Close-up of the presenter.
Presenter: "If the errors don't appear to be due to ethical lapses, you can crank up to 7.2 errors."
Panel 5: The presenter pointing to a chart on the wall showing three red spikes.
Presenter: "This represents a potential 48% increase in quarterly revenue. Thus, if we make no errors, we take a massive hit to potential profit."
Panel 6: The presenter holding a yellow cup, smiling.
Presenter: "So, today I'll be selling 'mislabeled' expired food inventory to a local soup kitchen."
Panel 7: A bald man with a beard at the table raises his hand in dismay.
Man: "Isn't this monstrous?"
Same man (smaller): "My god..."
Panel 8: The presenter, deadpan.
Presenter: "Write that down. We'll use it for the apology."
Votey:
The presenter, smiling, delivers a mock apology line.
Presenter: "As a proof of our sincere remorse, 5% off in stores! It's a Remorseless Bargain! (TM)"
Woman (presenter): "Young people today value honesty. For example, when companies make errors and publicly apologize, their sales tend to soar."
Panel 2: A man with reddish hair in a gray suit and yellow tie.
Man: "So, the lesson is that we should make our business more transparent?"
Panel 3: The presenter, smiling.
Presenter: "No. According to this analysis, you can make 3.4 errors per year, from which you reap the 'apology bump' without alienating your customers."
Panel 4: Close-up of the presenter.
Presenter: "If the errors don't appear to be due to ethical lapses, you can crank up to 7.2 errors."
Panel 5: The presenter pointing to a chart on the wall showing three red spikes.
Presenter: "This represents a potential 48% increase in quarterly revenue. Thus, if we make no errors, we take a massive hit to potential profit."
Panel 6: The presenter holding a yellow cup, smiling.
Presenter: "So, today I'll be selling 'mislabeled' expired food inventory to a local soup kitchen."
Panel 7: A bald man with a beard at the table raises his hand in dismay.
Man: "Isn't this monstrous?"
Same man (smaller): "My god..."
Panel 8: The presenter, deadpan.
Presenter: "Write that down. We'll use it for the apology."
Votey:
The presenter, smiling, delivers a mock apology line.
Presenter: "As a proof of our sincere remorse, 5% off in stores! It's a Remorseless Bargain! (TM)"
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic. A woman in a red blazer presents to colleagues around a conference table, using wall charts of spiking lines. She explains that since publicly apologizing for errors boosts sales (the 'apology bump'), a company should deliberately commit errors to profit. When a colleague asks if they should just be more transparent, she says no: the analysis shows you can make 3.4 errors per year, or up to 7.2 if they don't look like ethical lapses, for a potential 48% revenue increase, so making no errors costs profit. She cheerfully announces she'll sell 'mislabeled' expired food to a local soup kitchen. A bald, bearded colleague raises his hand in horror, crying 'Isn't this monstrous? My god...' The presenter deadpans, 'Write that down. We'll use it for the apology.' In the votey aftercomic, the presenter smiles and delivers the apology pitch: 'As a proof of our sincere remorse, 5% off in stores! It's a Remorseless Bargain! (TM),' turning even the apology into a trademarked sales gimmick.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.