2013-02-09
Original: 2013-02-09 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption over a sun in the sky): God has a plan for us.
Panel 2 (caption over a row of historical/technological artifacts arranged on a timeline arrow): Although he allows some free will, the great events of history are prefigured.
Panel 3 (caption, then a person speaking to a winged angel holding a scroll): God has also designed the universe such that time travel is permitted.
Person: Toss a few +/- signs on those equations, wouldja?
Angel: Yes, Lord.
Panel 4 (caption, then a woman with glasses talking to another person off-panel): If time travel is possible, but history cannot be altered dramatically, the most responsible way to time travel is to only interact with history's highlights.
Woman: Whatever you do, don't alter anything boring. It could bring chaos to other boring things or cause your non-existence if you're not in His plan.
Other person: Maybe I'll just make it so Tycho Brahe has a prosthetic nose.
Woman: Ha! You're weird.
Panel 5 (caption, then a woman speaking): Over time, we determined God's plan by seeing what could and could not be altered.
Woman: Looks like World War 2 was in the plan and World War 1 wasn't. So, no mucking with WW1, but WW2 can be as insane as you like.
Panel 6 (caption, then three people each speaking): Which led to strange consequences.
Man with mustache: I'm gonna make it so Hitler has a toothbrush mustache so my husband will shave his!
Woman in middle: I'm gonna make it so Nazis wear skull emblems, just like movie villains!
Woman on right: I'm gonna have nuclear weapons pre-date world peace!
Panel 7 (caption, then a man speaking): It may sound odd that all of history's touchstones are characterized by irresponsible time travelers.
Man: I got Judas Iscariot to pants Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. Beat that.
Panel 8 (a man in sunglasses speaks, then two people respond): But... well... have you read history?
Man: I'm gonna have the British Empire declare war on a place called "The Kingdom of Kandy."
Woman: Oh now this is getting ridiculous.
Votey: A bald man in sunglasses (the same man) smiles. Caption: Now to make history's greatest villain be named Weinersmith.
Panel 2 (caption over a row of historical/technological artifacts arranged on a timeline arrow): Although he allows some free will, the great events of history are prefigured.
Panel 3 (caption, then a person speaking to a winged angel holding a scroll): God has also designed the universe such that time travel is permitted.
Person: Toss a few +/- signs on those equations, wouldja?
Angel: Yes, Lord.
Panel 4 (caption, then a woman with glasses talking to another person off-panel): If time travel is possible, but history cannot be altered dramatically, the most responsible way to time travel is to only interact with history's highlights.
Woman: Whatever you do, don't alter anything boring. It could bring chaos to other boring things or cause your non-existence if you're not in His plan.
Other person: Maybe I'll just make it so Tycho Brahe has a prosthetic nose.
Woman: Ha! You're weird.
Panel 5 (caption, then a woman speaking): Over time, we determined God's plan by seeing what could and could not be altered.
Woman: Looks like World War 2 was in the plan and World War 1 wasn't. So, no mucking with WW1, but WW2 can be as insane as you like.
Panel 6 (caption, then three people each speaking): Which led to strange consequences.
Man with mustache: I'm gonna make it so Hitler has a toothbrush mustache so my husband will shave his!
Woman in middle: I'm gonna make it so Nazis wear skull emblems, just like movie villains!
Woman on right: I'm gonna have nuclear weapons pre-date world peace!
Panel 7 (caption, then a man speaking): It may sound odd that all of history's touchstones are characterized by irresponsible time travelers.
Man: I got Judas Iscariot to pants Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. Beat that.
Panel 8 (a man in sunglasses speaks, then two people respond): But... well... have you read history?
Man: I'm gonna have the British Empire declare war on a place called "The Kingdom of Kandy."
Woman: Oh now this is getting ridiculous.
Votey: A bald man in sunglasses (the same man) smiles. Caption: Now to make history's greatest villain be named Weinersmith.
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic with orange caption bars setting up a premise about time travel and God's plan. Panel 1: a sun in a blue sky, captioned "God has a plan for us." Panel 2: a row of historical artifacts and tools laid along a timeline arrow, captioned that history's great events are prefigured. Panel 3: a person tells a winged angel holding a scroll to "toss a few +/- signs on those equations," so time travel is permitted; the angel replies "Yes, Lord." Panel 4: a woman with glasses warns a friend that since history can't be altered dramatically, you should only mess with history's highlights and "don't alter anything boring"; the friend jokes about giving Tycho Brahe a prosthetic nose, and she laughs "You're weird." Panel 5: the woman explains they mapped God's plan by testing what could be changed; WW2 is alterable but WW1 isn't. Panel 6: three people gleefully describe their meddling, captioned "Which led to strange consequences": one gave Hitler a toothbrush mustache so her husband would shave his, one made Nazis wear skull emblems like movie villains, one made nuclear weapons pre-date world peace. Panel 7: a man brags that he got Judas Iscariot to pants Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. Panel 8: a man in sunglasses says "have you read history?" and announces he'll have the British Empire declare war on "The Kingdom of Kandy," prompting a woman to say "Oh now this is getting ridiculous." The joke is that all the absurd real details of history were planted by careless time travelers. Votey: a close-up of a smiling bald man in sunglasses, captioned "Now to make history's greatest villain be named Weinersmith" — a self-referential gag on the cartoonist's own name.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.