2012-08-12
Original: 2012-08-12 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A bald, bearded teacher in a gray suit and red tie stands at a desk, holding a banana in one hand and a condom packet in the other.
Teacher: "Welcome to day one of sex ed. Does everyone have a banana and condom?"
Panel 2: Students sit at desks with bananas. One boy in a red shirt raises a small banana.
Boy in red shirt: "Why is my banana smaller than everyone else?"
Teacher: "Because genetics is a capricious goddess whose idle whims are our crosses to bear."
Panel 3: The teacher leans toward a boy in a blue shirt.
Teacher: "Now Bobby, think of a woman for half a second."
Bobby (boy in blue shirt): "Okay..."
Panel 4: Close-up of the teacher's hand pressing a red button on a gray remote/device.
Sound effect: "click"
Panel 5: Bobby, in the blue shirt, looks down in shock as the banana he is holding explodes.
Sound effect: "BOOM!"
Panel 6: A wide shot of the classroom. Students sit at their desks looking glum and unimpressed; banana pieces are scattered on the desks.
Panel 7: Bobby speaks to the teacher.
Bobby: "I'm not sure this is an accurate portrayal of sex for most people."
Teacher: "Hold on. I need to play the audio of my wife laughing."
Votey:
Close-up of a person's face (a man with curly/wavy hair) with two speech bubbles.
First bubble: "That's crying"
Second bubble: "Oops! Wrong file!"
Teacher: "Welcome to day one of sex ed. Does everyone have a banana and condom?"
Panel 2: Students sit at desks with bananas. One boy in a red shirt raises a small banana.
Boy in red shirt: "Why is my banana smaller than everyone else?"
Teacher: "Because genetics is a capricious goddess whose idle whims are our crosses to bear."
Panel 3: The teacher leans toward a boy in a blue shirt.
Teacher: "Now Bobby, think of a woman for half a second."
Bobby (boy in blue shirt): "Okay..."
Panel 4: Close-up of the teacher's hand pressing a red button on a gray remote/device.
Sound effect: "click"
Panel 5: Bobby, in the blue shirt, looks down in shock as the banana he is holding explodes.
Sound effect: "BOOM!"
Panel 6: A wide shot of the classroom. Students sit at their desks looking glum and unimpressed; banana pieces are scattered on the desks.
Panel 7: Bobby speaks to the teacher.
Bobby: "I'm not sure this is an accurate portrayal of sex for most people."
Teacher: "Hold on. I need to play the audio of my wife laughing."
Votey:
Close-up of a person's face (a man with curly/wavy hair) with two speech bubbles.
First bubble: "That's crying"
Second bubble: "Oops! Wrong file!"
Alt text
A seven-panel black-and-white-bordered color comic set in a sex-ed classroom. Panel 1: a bald, bearded teacher in a gray suit holds up a banana and a condom, saying, "Welcome to day one of sex ed. Does everyone have a banana and condom?" Panel 2: a boy in a red shirt holds a tiny banana and asks why his is smaller than everyone's; the teacher answers that genetics is "a capricious goddess whose idle whims are our crosses to bear." Panel 3: the teacher tells a boy named Bobby (blue shirt) to "think of a woman for half a second"; Bobby says, "Okay..." Panel 4: a close-up of the teacher's thumb pressing a red button on a remote ('click'). Panel 5: Bobby's banana explodes in his hand ('BOOM!') as he recoils. Panel 6: a wide shot of glum, unimpressed students at desks littered with banana bits. Panel 7: Bobby says, "I'm not sure this is an accurate portrayal of sex for most people," and the teacher replies, "Hold on. I need to play the audio of my wife laughing" — implying the rigged exploding banana is a self-deprecating joke about his own sex life. Votey aftercomic: a close-up of a man's face with two speech bubbles reading, "That's crying" and "Oops! Wrong file!" — revealing the 'laughing' audio was actually crying.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.