2012-07-28
Original: 2012-07-28 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
William: Now, let us travel to Earth to consume the humans!
Second alien: What?
Panel 2:
William: You do know the humans are like... 25 light years away, right? It'll take at least 30 generations to get there.
Panel 3:
William: Then our descendants will consume the humans.
Panel 4:
Second alien: The humans evolved separately from us. They probably won't be tasty or nutritious, and they might be poison.
Panel 5:
William: But we're low on meat here!
Second alien: No, we aren't. That's media hype. Anyway, we're low on food. How can we afford to create a ship with food for 30 generations?
Panel 6:
William: Then instead we will mate with the humans!
Second alien: We don't even share a common ancestor. Being able to mate with humans is less likely than 1000 random keys pushing 1000 random locks.
Panel 7:
William: Then... we will observe the humans... for science?
Second alien: Okay. That might be interesting. How do you want to do that?
Panel 8:
William: Find people who've benefited and emotional experiences and appeal to them while they're emotionally constricted hana hwura...
Second alien: I'm going back to my room.
Votey:
A person speaking: In sum, the History Channel sucks.
William: Now, let us travel to Earth to consume the humans!
Second alien: What?
Panel 2:
William: You do know the humans are like... 25 light years away, right? It'll take at least 30 generations to get there.
Panel 3:
William: Then our descendants will consume the humans.
Panel 4:
Second alien: The humans evolved separately from us. They probably won't be tasty or nutritious, and they might be poison.
Panel 5:
William: But we're low on meat here!
Second alien: No, we aren't. That's media hype. Anyway, we're low on food. How can we afford to create a ship with food for 30 generations?
Panel 6:
William: Then instead we will mate with the humans!
Second alien: We don't even share a common ancestor. Being able to mate with humans is less likely than 1000 random keys pushing 1000 random locks.
Panel 7:
William: Then... we will observe the humans... for science?
Second alien: Okay. That might be interesting. How do you want to do that?
Panel 8:
William: Find people who've benefited and emotional experiences and appeal to them while they're emotionally constricted hana hwura...
Second alien: I'm going back to my room.
Votey:
A person speaking: In sum, the History Channel sucks.
Alt text
An eight-panel comic showing two green alien creatures with large heads talking. The alien named William keeps proposing grand reasons to travel 25 light years to Earth to interact with humans, and the other alien keeps shooting each idea down. William: "Now, let us travel to Earth to consume the humans!" The other points out it would take 30 generations to get there, so their descendants would consume the humans. The skeptic notes humans evolved separately and might be inedible or poisonous. William complains they're low on meat; the other says that's media hype and they can't afford 30 generations of food anyway. William then says they'll mate with the humans; the other replies they don't even share a common ancestor, so it's less likely than 1000 random keys fitting 1000 random locks. William falls back to "we will observe the humans... for science?" The other says okay, that might be interesting, and asks how. William starts babbling about finding people who've had emotional experiences and appealing to them while emotionally constricted, trailing into gibberish, and the other alien says "I'm going back to my room." Votey: a roughly sketched person with a speech bubble saying "IN SUM, THE HISTORY CHANNEL SUCKS," landing the joke that William's escalating, increasingly nonsensical pseudo-justifications parody History Channel programming.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.