2012-05-12
Original: 2012-05-12 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (red header): GUN LICENSES ARE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT US FROM CRAZY PEOPLE.
A shirtless older man with thinning gray hair speaks to an off-panel figure (only the silhouette of a head is visible at right).
Man: I NEED AN ASSAULT RIFLE NOW!
Off-panel figure: THERE'S A BRIEF WAITING PERIOD.
Man: BUT HE'LL ESCAPE!
Panel 2 (red header): DRIVER'S LICENSES ARE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT US FROM DANGEROUS DRIVERS.
Two distressed-looking people are crammed into a small yellow car careening forward; a hand reaches out from the driver's side.
Driver: NOBODY TOLD ME THIS WAS A ONE-WAY HIGHWAY!
Panel 3 (red header): SO, WHAT ARE MARRIAGE LICENSES SUPPOSED TO PROTECT US FROM?
A devastated, ruined city is shown at dusk. Two people stand in the foreground amid the rubble.
Person on left (brown-haired, green shirt): WHERE'D DENVER GO?
Person on right (dark-haired, yellow shirt): THEY ALLOWED GAY MARRIAGE. A FEW DAYS LATER TWO PENISES TOUCHED AND SET OFF A NUCLEAR CHAIN REACTION.
Person on left: DIDN'T PENISES TOUCH BEFORE GAY MARRIAGE WAS ALLOWED.
Person on right: ONLY MARRIED PENISES ARE FISSILE.
Votey:
A hand-drawn black-and-white sketch of an atomic bomb (an ovoid warhead with a fin/casing) labeled across its middle: URGAYNIUM BOMB.
A shirtless older man with thinning gray hair speaks to an off-panel figure (only the silhouette of a head is visible at right).
Man: I NEED AN ASSAULT RIFLE NOW!
Off-panel figure: THERE'S A BRIEF WAITING PERIOD.
Man: BUT HE'LL ESCAPE!
Panel 2 (red header): DRIVER'S LICENSES ARE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT US FROM DANGEROUS DRIVERS.
Two distressed-looking people are crammed into a small yellow car careening forward; a hand reaches out from the driver's side.
Driver: NOBODY TOLD ME THIS WAS A ONE-WAY HIGHWAY!
Panel 3 (red header): SO, WHAT ARE MARRIAGE LICENSES SUPPOSED TO PROTECT US FROM?
A devastated, ruined city is shown at dusk. Two people stand in the foreground amid the rubble.
Person on left (brown-haired, green shirt): WHERE'D DENVER GO?
Person on right (dark-haired, yellow shirt): THEY ALLOWED GAY MARRIAGE. A FEW DAYS LATER TWO PENISES TOUCHED AND SET OFF A NUCLEAR CHAIN REACTION.
Person on left: DIDN'T PENISES TOUCH BEFORE GAY MARRIAGE WAS ALLOWED.
Person on right: ONLY MARRIED PENISES ARE FISSILE.
Votey:
A hand-drawn black-and-white sketch of an atomic bomb (an ovoid warhead with a fin/casing) labeled across its middle: URGAYNIUM BOMB.
Alt text
A three-panel SMBC comic, each panel topped by a red banner posing the question of what a type of license protects us from. Panel 1: "Gun licenses are supposed to protect us from crazy people." A shirtless, wild-eyed older man demands, "I need an assault rifle now!" An off-panel clerk replies, "There's a brief waiting period," and the man panics, "But he'll escape!" Panel 2: "Driver's licenses are supposed to protect us from dangerous drivers." Two terrified people are jammed into a careening yellow car as the driver cries, "Nobody told me this was a one-way highway!" Panel 3: "So, what are marriage licenses supposed to protect us from?" Two people stand in the smoking ruins of a flattened city. One asks, "Where'd Denver go?" The other explains, "They allowed gay marriage. A few days later two penises touched and set off a nuclear chain reaction." The first counters, "Didn't penises touch before gay marriage was allowed," and the other answers, "Only married penises are fissile." Votey: a crude black-and-white sketch of an atomic bomb labeled "URGAYNIUM BOMB," a pun on uranium.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.