2012-03-21
Original: 2012-03-21 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1: A woman speaks to a doctor in an exam room while a small caged figure (the "pet physicist") sits on the table between them.
Woman: "Doctor... we have this pet physicist and... something's wrong. It keeps babbling about linguistics and neurology and climate science."
Panel 2: The doctor looks at the tiny physicist in his little cage.
Panel 3:
Doctor: "He's a little old, isn't he?"
Woman: "How'd you know?"
Panel 4 (with diagram showing a young face -> a middle-aged face -> an old wild-haired face):
Doctor: "Well... the physicist has a natural life cycle. Juvenile physicists mostly roll around in books. Once they reach maturity, they are productive and fun. But, well... as they get on in years, they reach the 'telling other fields they're wrong about everything' phase."
Panel 5:
Doctor: "There's nothing you can do. I'm afraid it's really best to... put him down."
Woman (other figure): "Oh no!"
Woman: "Oh gosh, I... oh... gosh."
Panel 6:
Doctor: "Think it over. Remember, he's suffering inside too."
(The woman pushes the caged physicist in a shopping cart.)
Panel 7: The woman embraces the small physicist who clutches at her shirt.
Panel 8 (banner): THAT EVENING...
Woman (in bed): "Where're you going, honey?"
Shirtless man: "I just want a few last moments with the ol' guy."
Panel 9: The man crouches and cradles the wild-haired physicist near a refrigerator (a beer labeled 'Beer Mosel' sits nearby).
Man: "We had a lot of good times, boy."
Physicist: "Climate models aren't reductionist enough! We can recreate the first language using statistics!"
Panel 10: Close-up of the man's face, distraught, holding the physicist.
Man: "I know, buddy... I know..."
Votey: A framed cartoon. The small physicist howls in a large speech bubble: "AWOOOOO-OUOONCOLOGY IS DOING IT WRONG!" while the man's profile looks on.
Woman: "Doctor... we have this pet physicist and... something's wrong. It keeps babbling about linguistics and neurology and climate science."
Panel 2: The doctor looks at the tiny physicist in his little cage.
Panel 3:
Doctor: "He's a little old, isn't he?"
Woman: "How'd you know?"
Panel 4 (with diagram showing a young face -> a middle-aged face -> an old wild-haired face):
Doctor: "Well... the physicist has a natural life cycle. Juvenile physicists mostly roll around in books. Once they reach maturity, they are productive and fun. But, well... as they get on in years, they reach the 'telling other fields they're wrong about everything' phase."
Panel 5:
Doctor: "There's nothing you can do. I'm afraid it's really best to... put him down."
Woman (other figure): "Oh no!"
Woman: "Oh gosh, I... oh... gosh."
Panel 6:
Doctor: "Think it over. Remember, he's suffering inside too."
(The woman pushes the caged physicist in a shopping cart.)
Panel 7: The woman embraces the small physicist who clutches at her shirt.
Panel 8 (banner): THAT EVENING...
Woman (in bed): "Where're you going, honey?"
Shirtless man: "I just want a few last moments with the ol' guy."
Panel 9: The man crouches and cradles the wild-haired physicist near a refrigerator (a beer labeled 'Beer Mosel' sits nearby).
Man: "We had a lot of good times, boy."
Physicist: "Climate models aren't reductionist enough! We can recreate the first language using statistics!"
Panel 10: Close-up of the man's face, distraught, holding the physicist.
Man: "I know, buddy... I know..."
Votey: A framed cartoon. The small physicist howls in a large speech bubble: "AWOOOOO-OUOONCOLOGY IS DOING IT WRONG!" while the man's profile looks on.
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic. A woman brings her "pet physicist" — a tiny human-shaped creature kept in a little cage — to a doctor, explaining that something is wrong: it keeps babbling about linguistics, neurology, and climate science. The doctor notes the physicist is a little old, and explains (with a diagram of a face aging from young to a wild-haired old man) that physicists have a natural life cycle: juveniles roll around in books, mature ones are productive and fun, but elderly ones reach the "telling other fields they're wrong about everything" phase. He gently says there's nothing to be done and it's best to put him down; the family is distraught ("Oh no!", "Oh gosh..."), and the doctor reminds them the physicist is suffering inside too. The owners treat the pet like a beloved dying dog, hugging it. That evening a shirtless man slips out of bed to spend a few last moments with "the ol' guy," cradling the wild-haired physicist by the fridge while it keeps shouting science opinions ("Climate models aren't reductionist enough! We can recreate the first language using statistics!"). The man, tearful, holds it and says "I know, buddy... I know..." The joke treats an aging, overreaching theoretical physicist exactly like a sick, dying family pet. Votey panel: a framed cartoon of the small physicist howling like a dying dog in a big speech bubble — "AWOOOOO-OUOONCOLOGY IS DOING IT WRONG!" — a pun on a howl plus the physicist insisting oncology is doing it wrong.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.