2012-03-18
Original: 2012-03-18 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): We feared we would not survive the nuclear apocalypse, so we created a new race, superior in every way.
Scientist (at a podium, holding a card with the new being on it): Not only will they survive the war, they will surpass Homo sapiens in every way that is desirable.
Panel 2 (caption): But then the apocalypse never came.
[A line graph. Y-axis label: "Things that are more entertaining than watching the world burn." X-axis label: "Time." The plotted line is flat along zero.]
Panel 3 (caption): We thought it best to exterminate the new humans, but they managed to escape to a hidden location.
New human (blue-skinned, large-headed, fleeing while a soldier figure stands at left): Come back! Trust us! Humans would never destroy anything beautiful.
Panel 4 (caption): They returned fifty years later with an army and advanced technology.
[Ranks of stern blue-skinned new humans beneath two hovering attack craft.]
Panel 5 (caption): Fortunately, we found a workaround.
Female scientist: Wait... if they're superior in every way, they must have superior ethics, too.
Male scientist: Get me the president!
Panel 6 (caption): Also fortunately, cyanide smells like almonds.
New human (gray-skinned): War is never the answer, even on those who deserve it.
New human: I... yes... I suppose that's true.
New human: Let us celebrate peace with a tasty marzipan cake!
Panel 7 (caption): The new humans are dead now.
A woman at a table: Turns out they have superior flavor too!
Panel 8 (caption): Although the human race is flourishing now, hominid evolutionary theory will never be the same.
Student: Professor, why did early humans do so well?
Professor: I used to say "intelligence," but the buzz word in the field right now is "dickishness."
Votey:
[A hand-drawn line graph. Y-axis label: "Hominid dickitude." X-axis label: "Time." The curve rises steeply then wobbles upward to a high, jagged plateau.]
Scientist (at a podium, holding a card with the new being on it): Not only will they survive the war, they will surpass Homo sapiens in every way that is desirable.
Panel 2 (caption): But then the apocalypse never came.
[A line graph. Y-axis label: "Things that are more entertaining than watching the world burn." X-axis label: "Time." The plotted line is flat along zero.]
Panel 3 (caption): We thought it best to exterminate the new humans, but they managed to escape to a hidden location.
New human (blue-skinned, large-headed, fleeing while a soldier figure stands at left): Come back! Trust us! Humans would never destroy anything beautiful.
Panel 4 (caption): They returned fifty years later with an army and advanced technology.
[Ranks of stern blue-skinned new humans beneath two hovering attack craft.]
Panel 5 (caption): Fortunately, we found a workaround.
Female scientist: Wait... if they're superior in every way, they must have superior ethics, too.
Male scientist: Get me the president!
Panel 6 (caption): Also fortunately, cyanide smells like almonds.
New human (gray-skinned): War is never the answer, even on those who deserve it.
New human: I... yes... I suppose that's true.
New human: Let us celebrate peace with a tasty marzipan cake!
Panel 7 (caption): The new humans are dead now.
A woman at a table: Turns out they have superior flavor too!
Panel 8 (caption): Although the human race is flourishing now, hominid evolutionary theory will never be the same.
Student: Professor, why did early humans do so well?
Professor: I used to say "intelligence," but the buzz word in the field right now is "dickishness."
Votey:
[A hand-drawn line graph. Y-axis label: "Hominid dickitude." X-axis label: "Time." The curve rises steeply then wobbles upward to a high, jagged plateau.]
Alt text
An eight-panel SMBC comic told through orange caption bars over each panel. Panel 1: a scientist at a podium presents a card showing a new humanoid; caption says we created a superior new race to survive the nuclear apocalypse, and he says they will surpass Homo sapiens in every desirable way. Panel 2: caption says the apocalypse never came; a line graph titled "things that are more entertaining than watching the world burn" vs. "time" shows a perfectly flat line at zero. Panel 3: caption says humans tried to exterminate the new race, which escaped to a hidden location; a fleeing blue-skinned, big-headed new human calls back "Come back! Trust us! Humans would never destroy anything beautiful." Panel 4: caption says they returned fifty years later with an army; ranks of stern blue new humans stand under hovering warships. Panel 5: caption "Fortunately, we found a workaround"; a female scientist reasons that if they are superior in every way they must have superior ethics, and a male scientist shouts "Get me the president!" Panel 6: caption "Also fortunately, cyanide smells like almonds"; a new human insists "War is never the answer, even on those who deserve it," another concedes the point, and a third proposes celebrating peace with a tasty marzipan cake. Panel 7: caption "The new humans are dead now"; a woman at a table remarks "Turns out they have superior flavor too!" Panel 8: caption says hominid evolutionary theory will never be the same; a student asks why early humans did so well, and the professor answers he used to say "intelligence" but the buzz word now is "dickishness." The votey is a hand-drawn line graph of "hominid dickitude" over "time," rising steeply then plateauing high and jagged.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.