2011-10-03
Original: 2011-10-03 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
A crowd of people stands together looking shocked.
A man in the crowd: LISTEN UP EVERYONE! THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN GIVING US TO EAT IS... IT'S PEOPLE!
Panel 2:
The crowd reacts in horror.
Voices in the crowd: SPONCH IS NOT FOOD! IT'S PEOPLE!
Panel 3:
A bald man screams.
Man: PEEEEEOOOPLLLE!
Panel 4:
A news anchor at a desk reports. A logo reads "SPONCH."
News anchor: THE WHITE HOUSE HAS ISSUED A PRESS RELEASE STATING THAT MISTAKES WERE MADE, AND THAT THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR SPONCHGATE WILL FACE REPERCUSSIONS.
Panel 5:
A man in a red mask/suit speaks.
Man: THOSE IN THE SPONCH MANUFACTURING INDUSTRY ASSURE ME THEY ARE WORKING NIGHT AND DAY ON AN ANSWER TO THE SPONCH QUESTION. BUT LET ME BE CLEAR: IF BLAME SHOULD FALL ON THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH, I AM PREPARED TO CLAIM ANY LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE, NO MATTER HOW ABSURD, TO AVOID CULPABILITY.
Panel 6:
A dark-skinned official speaks.
Official: ON BEHALF OF THE SPONCH COUNCIL, I DENOUNCE THE ADMINISTRATION'S ATTEMPT TO SMEAR THIS IMPORTANT NATIONAL INDUSTRY AND MAY I ADD: AGGRESSIVE NAME-CALLING ASIDE, SPONCH CONTAINS EXACTLY THE RIGHT NUTRIENTS FOR A HEALTHY HUMAN BODY.
Panel 7:
The same dark-skinned official continues.
Official: AFTER PRIVATE TALKS WITH THE SPONCH COUNCIL, I'VE RECOMMENDED THE ISSUE BE GIVEN TO CONGRESS FOR DEBATE. BUT LET ME BE CLEAR: IF BLAME SHOULD FALL ON THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH, I AM PREPARED TO CLAIM ANY LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE, NO MATTER HOW ABSURD, TO AVOID CULPABILITY.
Panel 8:
A reporter holds a microphone toward a politician.
Reporter: PEOPLE ARE ASKING: IS SPONCH PEOPLE? WELL, IN MY COUNTY YOU BET IT IS! IT'S PEOPLE LIKE FRED BRYANT, WHO MAKES EVERY DAY IN THE GREAT INDUSTRY TO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY OR NATE JOHNSON WHOSE SPONCH COMPANY SOLD THOUSAND ENHANCED SPONCH CAPTURE DEVICES.
Panel 9:
A person speaks earnestly.
Person: BOY, I HOPE THEY GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SPONCH QUESTION SOON.
Panel 10:
The news anchor returns at the desk.
News anchor: NOW WE NOW DO LIVE TO A CELEBRITY'S NIPPLE.
Votey:
A circular diagram. At the top a yellow banner reads "SPONCH!" In the center is a pink, meaty slab. Arranged in a ring around it are the chemical elements: CARBON, HYDROGEN, SULPHUR, PHOSPHORUS, OXYGEN, NITROGEN.
A crowd of people stands together looking shocked.
A man in the crowd: LISTEN UP EVERYONE! THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN GIVING US TO EAT IS... IT'S PEOPLE!
Panel 2:
The crowd reacts in horror.
Voices in the crowd: SPONCH IS NOT FOOD! IT'S PEOPLE!
Panel 3:
A bald man screams.
Man: PEEEEEOOOPLLLE!
Panel 4:
A news anchor at a desk reports. A logo reads "SPONCH."
News anchor: THE WHITE HOUSE HAS ISSUED A PRESS RELEASE STATING THAT MISTAKES WERE MADE, AND THAT THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR SPONCHGATE WILL FACE REPERCUSSIONS.
Panel 5:
A man in a red mask/suit speaks.
Man: THOSE IN THE SPONCH MANUFACTURING INDUSTRY ASSURE ME THEY ARE WORKING NIGHT AND DAY ON AN ANSWER TO THE SPONCH QUESTION. BUT LET ME BE CLEAR: IF BLAME SHOULD FALL ON THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH, I AM PREPARED TO CLAIM ANY LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE, NO MATTER HOW ABSURD, TO AVOID CULPABILITY.
Panel 6:
A dark-skinned official speaks.
Official: ON BEHALF OF THE SPONCH COUNCIL, I DENOUNCE THE ADMINISTRATION'S ATTEMPT TO SMEAR THIS IMPORTANT NATIONAL INDUSTRY AND MAY I ADD: AGGRESSIVE NAME-CALLING ASIDE, SPONCH CONTAINS EXACTLY THE RIGHT NUTRIENTS FOR A HEALTHY HUMAN BODY.
Panel 7:
The same dark-skinned official continues.
Official: AFTER PRIVATE TALKS WITH THE SPONCH COUNCIL, I'VE RECOMMENDED THE ISSUE BE GIVEN TO CONGRESS FOR DEBATE. BUT LET ME BE CLEAR: IF BLAME SHOULD FALL ON THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH, I AM PREPARED TO CLAIM ANY LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE, NO MATTER HOW ABSURD, TO AVOID CULPABILITY.
Panel 8:
A reporter holds a microphone toward a politician.
Reporter: PEOPLE ARE ASKING: IS SPONCH PEOPLE? WELL, IN MY COUNTY YOU BET IT IS! IT'S PEOPLE LIKE FRED BRYANT, WHO MAKES EVERY DAY IN THE GREAT INDUSTRY TO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY OR NATE JOHNSON WHOSE SPONCH COMPANY SOLD THOUSAND ENHANCED SPONCH CAPTURE DEVICES.
Panel 9:
A person speaks earnestly.
Person: BOY, I HOPE THEY GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SPONCH QUESTION SOON.
Panel 10:
The news anchor returns at the desk.
News anchor: NOW WE NOW DO LIVE TO A CELEBRITY'S NIPPLE.
Votey:
A circular diagram. At the top a yellow banner reads "SPONCH!" In the center is a pink, meaty slab. Arranged in a ring around it are the chemical elements: CARBON, HYDROGEN, SULPHUR, PHOSPHORUS, OXYGEN, NITROGEN.
Alt text
A tall SMBC comic parodying "Soylent Green is people!" and political news coverage. Panel 1: a shocked crowd; a man shouts that the government has been feeding them people. Panel 2: the crowd cries "SPONCH IS NOT FOOD! IT'S PEOPLE!" Panel 3: a bald man screams "PEEEEEOOOPLLLE!" Panel 4: a news anchor reports under a "SPONCH" logo that the White House admits mistakes were made and those responsible for "Sponchgate" will face repercussions. Panel 5: a masked executive-branch figure says industry is working on the "Sponch question" but declares that, to avoid culpability, he is prepared to claim any level of incompetence, no matter how absurd. Panel 6: a Sponch Council official denounces the administration's smear and insists Sponch contains exactly the right nutrients for a healthy human body. Panel 7: the same official punts the issue to Congress and repeats the identical "claim any level of incompetence to avoid culpability" line, now blaming the legislative branch. Panel 8: a politician tells a reporter that yes, Sponch is people, like the hardworking constituents who harvest it with "enhanced Sponch capture devices." Panel 9: an ordinary person hopes they get to the bottom of the Sponch question soon. Panel 10: the news anchor signs off: "Now we go live to a celebrity's nipple." The joke is that everyone treats cannibalism-as-food as a routine political controversy that quickly gets buried under tabloid distraction. Votey: a mock food-label diagram titled "SPONCH!" showing a pink slab of meat ringed by the chemical elements Carbon, Hydrogen, Sulphur, Phosphorus, Oxygen, Nitrogen (the elements of the human body).
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.