2011-01-28
Original: 2011-01-28 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (a caveman):
"It's called a 'club.' By swinging it, I can deposit a large amount of energy into another man's body, randomizing the affected area, thereby acquiring his woman."
Panel 2 (a caveman with a spear):
"It's called a 'spear.' The sharp end lowers the energy barrier to entering another man's body, so I can randomize a small selected area, thereby acquiring his food."
Panel 3 (a man with a bow and arrow):
"It's called a 'bow and arrow.' By using the spring potential of this wood, I can deposit energy into this miniature spear, which randomizes a selected area of another man's body, thereby acquiring his land."
Panel 4 (a man with a gun):
"It's called a 'gun.' By transferring the chemical energy in saltpeter to a metal ball, I can cause it to move through the air, then deposit leftover energy into another man's body, randomizing that area, thereby acquiring his status."
Panel 5 (a man in a suit):
"It's called a 'fusion bomb.' By transferring the mass defect energy of hydrogen fusion to the surrounding area, I can randomize the entire bodies of everyone present, thereby acquiring their government."
Panel 6 (a person in a crown/headdress beside a robot):
"It's called an 'antimatter bomb.' By converting matter and antimatter into pure energy, I can randomize an entire planet, thereby acquiring the solar system."
Panel 7 (a robed figure):
"It's called a 'gravity multiplier.' By altering graviton interaction, I collapse reality into a single high energy point, randomizing everything, thereby-"
Caption banner: 13.75 BILLION YEARS LATER...
Final panel (a man in a suit lecturing, with equations on a chalkboard reading "=R_mn X^m X^n" and "θ̇ = -σ_abσ"):
"And we call it 'The Big Bang.'"
Votey: A man smiling, speaking: "And we hope to one day kill someone with it!"
"It's called a 'club.' By swinging it, I can deposit a large amount of energy into another man's body, randomizing the affected area, thereby acquiring his woman."
Panel 2 (a caveman with a spear):
"It's called a 'spear.' The sharp end lowers the energy barrier to entering another man's body, so I can randomize a small selected area, thereby acquiring his food."
Panel 3 (a man with a bow and arrow):
"It's called a 'bow and arrow.' By using the spring potential of this wood, I can deposit energy into this miniature spear, which randomizes a selected area of another man's body, thereby acquiring his land."
Panel 4 (a man with a gun):
"It's called a 'gun.' By transferring the chemical energy in saltpeter to a metal ball, I can cause it to move through the air, then deposit leftover energy into another man's body, randomizing that area, thereby acquiring his status."
Panel 5 (a man in a suit):
"It's called a 'fusion bomb.' By transferring the mass defect energy of hydrogen fusion to the surrounding area, I can randomize the entire bodies of everyone present, thereby acquiring their government."
Panel 6 (a person in a crown/headdress beside a robot):
"It's called an 'antimatter bomb.' By converting matter and antimatter into pure energy, I can randomize an entire planet, thereby acquiring the solar system."
Panel 7 (a robed figure):
"It's called a 'gravity multiplier.' By altering graviton interaction, I collapse reality into a single high energy point, randomizing everything, thereby-"
Caption banner: 13.75 BILLION YEARS LATER...
Final panel (a man in a suit lecturing, with equations on a chalkboard reading "=R_mn X^m X^n" and "θ̇ = -σ_abσ"):
"And we call it 'The Big Bang.'"
Votey: A man smiling, speaking: "And we hope to one day kill someone with it!"
Alt text
A tall SMBC comic showing a sequence of figures across history, each describing a weapon in the same dry physics-of-energy language and each ending with what it lets them acquire. A caveman with a club: it deposits energy into another man's body, 'thereby acquiring his woman.' A caveman with a spear: lowers the energy barrier to enter a body, acquiring his food. A man with a bow and arrow: deposits energy via a miniature spear, acquiring his land. A man with a gun: transfers chemical energy from saltpeter to a metal ball, acquiring his status. A suited man with a fusion bomb: transfers hydrogen-fusion mass-defect energy, acquiring their government. A figure with an antimatter bomb: converts matter and antimatter to energy, acquiring the solar system. A robed figure with a 'gravity multiplier': collapses reality into a single high-energy point, randomizing everything, 'thereby-' A caption reads '13.75 billion years later...' and the final panel shows a modern scientist lecturing in front of a chalkboard full of tensor equations, saying 'And we call it The Big Bang.' The joke: the universe-creating Big Bang is reframed as the ultimate escalation of one man's weapon to take another's stuff. In the votey, a smiling man adds: 'And we hope to one day kill someone with it!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.