2010-10-14
Original: 2010-10-14 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title: COMMUNICATING WITH ACADEMICS: A GUIDE
The comic is a grid table. Columns are three types of academic: THEOLOGIAN, SCIENTIST, PHILOSOPHER. Rows are goals: HOW TO MAKE ANGRY, HOW TO MAKE HAPPY, HOW TO STUPEFY.
Row "HOW TO MAKE ANGRY":
- Theologian: "Could God make a degree so useless, even HE couldn't get a real job?"
- Scientist: "Isn't it funny how even if you win a Nobel, you'll never be as famous as a 14 year old pop star?"
- Philosopher: "How is Ayn Rand always right about EVERYTHING?"
Row "HOW TO MAKE HAPPY":
- Theologian: "Your total agreement with standard dogma really spoke to me."
- Scientist: "You have pierced the veil of nature and glimpsed pure truth. The university will now pay you an extra 12 dollars per month."
- Philosopher: "Your slight elaboration on a single paragraph of Wittgenstein? Revolutionary!"
Row "HOW TO STUPEFY":
- Theologian: "In heaven, which dead husband do I sleep with?"
- Scientist: "Could you give me a complete understanding of quantum chromodynamics? Whoa, whoa. Stop with the math."
- Philosopher: "So... what exactly do you do?"
Votey:
A new row is added to the table: "HOW TO GIVE A HEART ATTACK".
- Theologian: "Someone proved God's existence! Hope it's the one you believe in."
- Scientist: "12 years ago, you forgot a minus sign. Everything since has been wrong."
- Philosopher: "Seriously! Atlas Shrugged is like Nietzsche minus BORING."
The comic is a grid table. Columns are three types of academic: THEOLOGIAN, SCIENTIST, PHILOSOPHER. Rows are goals: HOW TO MAKE ANGRY, HOW TO MAKE HAPPY, HOW TO STUPEFY.
Row "HOW TO MAKE ANGRY":
- Theologian: "Could God make a degree so useless, even HE couldn't get a real job?"
- Scientist: "Isn't it funny how even if you win a Nobel, you'll never be as famous as a 14 year old pop star?"
- Philosopher: "How is Ayn Rand always right about EVERYTHING?"
Row "HOW TO MAKE HAPPY":
- Theologian: "Your total agreement with standard dogma really spoke to me."
- Scientist: "You have pierced the veil of nature and glimpsed pure truth. The university will now pay you an extra 12 dollars per month."
- Philosopher: "Your slight elaboration on a single paragraph of Wittgenstein? Revolutionary!"
Row "HOW TO STUPEFY":
- Theologian: "In heaven, which dead husband do I sleep with?"
- Scientist: "Could you give me a complete understanding of quantum chromodynamics? Whoa, whoa. Stop with the math."
- Philosopher: "So... what exactly do you do?"
Votey:
A new row is added to the table: "HOW TO GIVE A HEART ATTACK".
- Theologian: "Someone proved God's existence! Hope it's the one you believe in."
- Scientist: "12 years ago, you forgot a minus sign. Everything since has been wrong."
- Philosopher: "Seriously! Atlas Shrugged is like Nietzsche minus BORING."
Alt text
A webcomic formatted as a grid table titled "Communicating With Academics: A Guide." The three columns are types of academic (Theologian, Scientist, Philosopher); the three rows are goals (How to Make Angry, How to Make Happy, How to Stupefy), each cell holding a one-line thing to say to that academic. To make a theologian angry: "Could God make a degree so useless, even HE couldn't get a real job?"; a scientist: "Isn't it funny how even if you win a Nobel, you'll never be as famous as a 14 year old pop star?"; a philosopher: "How is Ayn Rand always right about EVERYTHING?" To make them happy, a theologian: "Your total agreement with standard dogma really spoke to me"; a scientist: "You have pierced the veil of nature and glimpsed pure truth. The university will now pay you an extra 12 dollars per month"; a philosopher: "Your slight elaboration on a single paragraph of Wittgenstein? Revolutionary!" To stupefy them, a theologian: "In heaven, which dead husband do I sleep with?"; a scientist: "Could you give me a complete understanding of quantum chromodynamics? Whoa, whoa. Stop with the math"; a philosopher: "So... what exactly do you do?" The votey adds a fourth row, "How to Give a Heart Attack": theologian "Someone proved God's existence! Hope it's the one you believe in"; scientist "12 years ago, you forgot a minus sign. Everything since has been wrong"; philosopher "Seriously! Atlas Shrugged is like Nietzsche minus BORING." The joke is the deadpan, field-specific button-pushing tailored to each discipline's insecurities.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.