Arp
Original: Arp on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Interrogator (a bald man in a purple jacket, facing away): "Tell me the nuclear codes, Bond, or I'll show you... THE VIDEO."
Panel 2:
Bond (a man tied to a chair, scowling): "What video?"
Panel 3:
Interrogator (in a caption/narration as the torture begins): "This is an animated sequence of morphs between all the orgasm faces that led to your existence, from your father, grandfather, through to early hominid ancestors, pre-human primates, early mammals, and finally to lizard-like tetrapods experiencing the earliest acts of internal fertilization, shouting 'ARP! ARP! ARP!' while rubbing cloacas."
Panel 4:
Sound effects from the video: "ARP! ARP! ARP! AAAAARP!"
Bond watches in horror as the interrogator covers his face, distressed.
Panel 5 (mostly black):
Bond: "Hand me a pen, please."
Bond (smaller speech): "For the launch codes?"
A shadowy figure: "Can I push the button?"
Bottom credits: PATREON.COM/ZACHWEINERSMITH SMBC-COMICS.COM
Votey:
Bond (in a speech bubble): "I'm gonna become a creationist."
(Close-up of Bond's distraught, tearful face.)
Interrogator (a bald man in a purple jacket, facing away): "Tell me the nuclear codes, Bond, or I'll show you... THE VIDEO."
Panel 2:
Bond (a man tied to a chair, scowling): "What video?"
Panel 3:
Interrogator (in a caption/narration as the torture begins): "This is an animated sequence of morphs between all the orgasm faces that led to your existence, from your father, grandfather, through to early hominid ancestors, pre-human primates, early mammals, and finally to lizard-like tetrapods experiencing the earliest acts of internal fertilization, shouting 'ARP! ARP! ARP!' while rubbing cloacas."
Panel 4:
Sound effects from the video: "ARP! ARP! ARP! AAAAARP!"
Bond watches in horror as the interrogator covers his face, distressed.
Panel 5 (mostly black):
Bond: "Hand me a pen, please."
Bond (smaller speech): "For the launch codes?"
A shadowy figure: "Can I push the button?"
Bottom credits: PATREON.COM/ZACHWEINERSMITH SMBC-COMICS.COM
Votey:
Bond (in a speech bubble): "I'm gonna become a creationist."
(Close-up of Bond's distraught, tearful face.)
Alt text
A five-panel SMBC comic parodying a spy-movie interrogation. Panel 1: a bald villain in a purple jacket, seen from behind, tells a captive: 'Tell me the nuclear codes, Bond, or I'll show you... THE VIDEO.' Panel 2: Bond, a man tied to a chair, scowls and asks 'What video?' Panel 3: the villain explains the torture is an animated sequence of morphing orgasm faces tracing Bond's entire ancestral lineage, from his father and grandfather back through hominids, primates, early mammals, and finally lizard-like tetrapods performing the earliest internal fertilization, shouting 'ARP! ARP! ARP!' while rubbing cloacas. Panel 4: the video blares 'ARP! ARP! ARP! AAAAARP!' as Bond looks horrified and the villain covers his own face in distress. Panel 5, nearly all black: a broken Bond says 'Hand me a pen, please,' adding 'For the launch codes?', while a shadowy figure asks 'Can I push the button?' The joke: the ultimate torture is being forced to picture every ancestor's moment of conception. Votey: a close-up of Bond's tearful, traumatized face as he says 'I'm gonna become a creationist.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.