Socrates
Original: Socrates on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Woman (walking, with a man): Do you think if Socrates came back, we'd execute him?
Man: Of course not.
Panel 2 (narration caption, over the man):
He'd have a podcast where he asks questions. And he'd notice more interest from people whenever he edged toward theories that claim spooky hidden wisdom.
Panel 2 (lower narration caption):
Wanting to reach the most people to explore the most conversations, he would move toward that larger audience like a slime mold following a chemical gradient.
Panel 3 (lower narration caption):
This would go on for years, until his search for the truth had morphed into a search for pure engagement so gently that at last there would be no philosopher left to hand the poison to.
Panel 4 (narration caption, over the two characters):
And then instead of demanding his death we're buying hemlock nutritional supplements from highly satisfied sponsors.
Panel 5:
Man (looking out, stunned): The unexamined life is not worth taking.
Votey:
MANLOCK(TM) PRODUCTS WILL SOON BE AVAILABLE IN THE SMBC STORE
Woman (walking, with a man): Do you think if Socrates came back, we'd execute him?
Man: Of course not.
Panel 2 (narration caption, over the man):
He'd have a podcast where he asks questions. And he'd notice more interest from people whenever he edged toward theories that claim spooky hidden wisdom.
Panel 2 (lower narration caption):
Wanting to reach the most people to explore the most conversations, he would move toward that larger audience like a slime mold following a chemical gradient.
Panel 3 (lower narration caption):
This would go on for years, until his search for the truth had morphed into a search for pure engagement so gently that at last there would be no philosopher left to hand the poison to.
Panel 4 (narration caption, over the two characters):
And then instead of demanding his death we're buying hemlock nutritional supplements from highly satisfied sponsors.
Panel 5:
Man (looking out, stunned): The unexamined life is not worth taking.
Votey:
MANLOCK(TM) PRODUCTS WILL SOON BE AVAILABLE IN THE SMBC STORE
Alt text
A five-panel SMBC comic. In the first panel, a red-haired woman walks beside a man and asks, "Do you think if Socrates came back, we'd execute him?" He answers in a speech bubble, "Of course not." Over the next panels, narration captions explain his fate: instead of being executed, Socrates would start a podcast asking questions, and would notice more engagement whenever he leaned into theories claiming spooky hidden wisdom. Drifting toward the larger audience "like a slime mold following a chemical gradient," his search for truth would slowly morph into a search for pure engagement, until there's no philosopher left to poison. Instead of demanding his death, we'd be buying hemlock nutritional supplements from his sponsors. In the final panel the man stares out, wide-eyed and unsettled, delivering the punchline pun: "The unexamined life is not worth taking." The votey (bonus panel) is handwritten text reading: "MANLOCK(TM) products will soon be available in the SMBC store."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.