Apple
Original: Apple on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Child: WAIT THE APPLE GAVE ADAM AND EVE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL?
Priest: YES.
Panel 2:
Child: SO BEFORE THAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING? LIKE THEY COULD STRANGLE A CAT AND JUST BE LIKE "MAYBE THIS IS FINE?"
Panel 3:
Priest: WELL—
Child: AND THEN A SNAKE COMES ALONG AND EFFECTIVELY SAYS "YOU NEED MORALS AROUND HERE" AND HE'S THE VILLAIN?
Panel 4:
Priest: THE POINT IS—
Child: AND THEN GOD KICKS THEM OUT FOR DOING WRONG EVEN THOUGH THEY LITERALLY CAN'T KNOW GOOD FROM BAD!
Panel 5 (silhouettes, the priest leading the child away):
Priest: MORALITY IS OBEDIENCE TO GOD WHICH THEY DID KNOW.
Panel 6 (silhouettes walking):
Child: HAS GOD EATEN AN APPLE YET? IS THIS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY HURRICANES?
Votey:
The priest, wide-eyed and strained, speaks to the child.
Priest: QUIET KID. THIS IS HOW WE GET LIGHTNING RIGHT UP THE ASS!
Child: WAIT THE APPLE GAVE ADAM AND EVE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL?
Priest: YES.
Panel 2:
Child: SO BEFORE THAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING? LIKE THEY COULD STRANGLE A CAT AND JUST BE LIKE "MAYBE THIS IS FINE?"
Panel 3:
Priest: WELL—
Child: AND THEN A SNAKE COMES ALONG AND EFFECTIVELY SAYS "YOU NEED MORALS AROUND HERE" AND HE'S THE VILLAIN?
Panel 4:
Priest: THE POINT IS—
Child: AND THEN GOD KICKS THEM OUT FOR DOING WRONG EVEN THOUGH THEY LITERALLY CAN'T KNOW GOOD FROM BAD!
Panel 5 (silhouettes, the priest leading the child away):
Priest: MORALITY IS OBEDIENCE TO GOD WHICH THEY DID KNOW.
Panel 6 (silhouettes walking):
Child: HAS GOD EATEN AN APPLE YET? IS THIS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY HURRICANES?
Votey:
The priest, wide-eyed and strained, speaks to the child.
Priest: QUIET KID. THIS IS HOW WE GET LIGHTNING RIGHT UP THE ASS!
Alt text
A six-panel SMBC comic. A small child interrogates a priest about the Garden of Eden. The child asks if the apple gave Adam and Eve knowledge of good and evil; the priest says yes. The child reasons that before that they couldn't know anything was wrong, so they could strangle a cat and think "maybe this is fine," and that a snake telling them they need morals makes the snake the villain, yet God punishes them for doing wrong when they couldn't tell good from bad. The priest insists "morality is obedience to God, which they DID know." In the final panels, shown as silhouettes as the priest leads the child away, the child asks, "Has God eaten an apple yet? Is this why there are so many hurricanes?" Votey: a close-up of the wide-eyed, frazzled priest snapping, "Quiet kid. This is how we get lightning right up the ass!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.