Turkin
Original: Turkin on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Caption: OUR CAMPAIGN HAD A PROBLEM.
Panel 1: Three campaign staffers at a conference table.
Staffer (in striped shirt): Guys, Thompson just made a gaffe.
Second staffer: How big of a gaffe?
Third staffer (alarmed, hands to face): Reporters found him in the woods having sex with a turkey. Again.
Thompson (offscreen / aside): Frank! Hold my calls and order pizza!
Caption: AT FIRST, WE WERE CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC.
Staffer: There's no median-voter data on turkey-fucking. Let's not panic.
Other staffer: Maybe they love it? I've never met someone without a college degree.
Caption: BUT OUR CONSTITUENTS TURNED OUT TO BE FURIOUS.
Voice: Dammit, fucking a turkey just feeds the narrative that he's a turkey-fucker! #THOMPSON2038
Caption: SURROGATES WENT TO TALKSHOWS FOR DAMAGE CONTROL.
Surrogate: Sure, Sharon, but what the working class are asking is why didn't the current administration f*** the turkey of inflation?
Caption: PODCASTS WENT BETTER.
Guest: You got people out here, who are judging this man purely based on his character, statements, and actions. I mean, grow up.
Host: Wow. That is so real, bro.
Caption: BUT THE OPPOSITION ADMITTEDLY HAD A SOLID CASE.
Opposition speaker (woman with glasses): There was a turkey. He fucked it. He fucked a turkey. He's a turkey-fucker.
Caption: HAPPILY, DUE TO DECADES OF PARTISANSHIP WHEN OUR OPPONENTS STATED THE TRUTH, IT WAS RECEIVED BY OUR SUPPORTERS AS WICKED PROPAGANDA.
Thompson: If their candidate fucked a turkey, they'd be defending it, but now they're mad at me for defending the same action! I will not be lectured by hypocrites! #THOMPSON2038
Caption: AND WITHIN 24 HOURS, THE NEWS HAD MOVED ON.
News anchor: ...which gives you both sides of "Turkeygate" now. Trans nipples: are they nipples or NIIIIIPPLES? We begin our seven part series with...
Caption: HAVING WON THE ELECTION, WE COULD SAFELY MOVE ON.
Press reporter: Madame press secretary, about the "menage a turkey" on the whitehouse lawn--
Press secretary (at podium): Elections have consequences, Darryl. Next question.
Caption: AND SO, THE NATION LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Man: Do you think that tearing moral character away from power will ultimately rip apart the fabric of state?
Woman: If so we'll get amazing book deals.
Votey: (none)
Panel 1: Three campaign staffers at a conference table.
Staffer (in striped shirt): Guys, Thompson just made a gaffe.
Second staffer: How big of a gaffe?
Third staffer (alarmed, hands to face): Reporters found him in the woods having sex with a turkey. Again.
Thompson (offscreen / aside): Frank! Hold my calls and order pizza!
Caption: AT FIRST, WE WERE CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC.
Staffer: There's no median-voter data on turkey-fucking. Let's not panic.
Other staffer: Maybe they love it? I've never met someone without a college degree.
Caption: BUT OUR CONSTITUENTS TURNED OUT TO BE FURIOUS.
Voice: Dammit, fucking a turkey just feeds the narrative that he's a turkey-fucker! #THOMPSON2038
Caption: SURROGATES WENT TO TALKSHOWS FOR DAMAGE CONTROL.
Surrogate: Sure, Sharon, but what the working class are asking is why didn't the current administration f*** the turkey of inflation?
Caption: PODCASTS WENT BETTER.
Guest: You got people out here, who are judging this man purely based on his character, statements, and actions. I mean, grow up.
Host: Wow. That is so real, bro.
Caption: BUT THE OPPOSITION ADMITTEDLY HAD A SOLID CASE.
Opposition speaker (woman with glasses): There was a turkey. He fucked it. He fucked a turkey. He's a turkey-fucker.
Caption: HAPPILY, DUE TO DECADES OF PARTISANSHIP WHEN OUR OPPONENTS STATED THE TRUTH, IT WAS RECEIVED BY OUR SUPPORTERS AS WICKED PROPAGANDA.
Thompson: If their candidate fucked a turkey, they'd be defending it, but now they're mad at me for defending the same action! I will not be lectured by hypocrites! #THOMPSON2038
Caption: AND WITHIN 24 HOURS, THE NEWS HAD MOVED ON.
News anchor: ...which gives you both sides of "Turkeygate" now. Trans nipples: are they nipples or NIIIIIPPLES? We begin our seven part series with...
Caption: HAVING WON THE ELECTION, WE COULD SAFELY MOVE ON.
Press reporter: Madame press secretary, about the "menage a turkey" on the whitehouse lawn--
Press secretary (at podium): Elections have consequences, Darryl. Next question.
Caption: AND SO, THE NATION LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Man: Do you think that tearing moral character away from power will ultimately rip apart the fabric of state?
Woman: If so we'll get amazing book deals.
Votey: (none)
Alt text
A multi-panel SMBC comic, narrated by pink caption boxes, telling the story of a political campaign managing a scandal. Caption: "Our campaign had a problem." Staffers at a table react with alarm as one reports that candidate Thompson was caught having sex with a turkey in the woods again. The campaign cycles through reactions: cautious optimism ("there's no median-voter data on turkey-fucking"), furious constituents ("fucking a turkey just feeds the narrative that he's a turkey-fucker"), surrogates deflecting on talkshows ("why didn't the current administration f*** the turkey of inflation?"), and sympathetic podcasters mocking critics for "judging this man purely based on his character, statements, and actions." The opposition states the plain case: "There was a turkey. He fucked it. He's a turkey-fucker," which Thompson's supporters dismiss as propaganda; Thompson rants that he won't be lectured by hypocrites. The news quickly moves on to a sensational "trans nipples" segment. Thompson wins the election, and his press secretary brushes off questions with "Elections have consequences, Darryl. Next question." Final caption: "And so, the nation lived happily ever after." A man asks whether tearing moral character away from power will rip apart the fabric of state, and a woman replies, "If so we'll get amazing book deals." There is no votey/bonus panel.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.