Quality
Original: Quality on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Doctor (bald, in a white lab coat): I'm sorry Mr. Davidson. The healthcare system won't pay for your therapy. The QALYs don't justify it.
Patient (man with red hair, seated): The... what?
Panel 2:
Doctor: Quality Adjusted Life Years.
Panel 3:
Doctor: We take how many years of life the intervention would get you, then we multiply it by the quality of those years.
Panel 4:
Doctor: Your total for this therapy is negative 4,821 years.
Patient: How is that possible?
Panel 5:
Doctor: Modern methods account for the decrement to other people's QALYs resulting from your continued existence.
Panel 6:
Doctor (reading from a clipboard/paper): Saving your life will result in at least a 0.001 per-year decrease in quality for thousands of people.
Panel 7:
Doctor: Your children alone will experience a 0.5 per-year decrease multiplied through years, possibly decades.
Panel 8:
Patient (thoughtful, hand on chin): Interesting. Interesting.
Panel 9:
Doctor: If I understand you right, the problem is blacks and gays.
Patient: Just a moment, adding myself to the Excel sheet.
Votey:
Patient (close-up of his head, smiling slightly): The worst part is total human QALY is negative.
Doctor (bald, in a white lab coat): I'm sorry Mr. Davidson. The healthcare system won't pay for your therapy. The QALYs don't justify it.
Patient (man with red hair, seated): The... what?
Panel 2:
Doctor: Quality Adjusted Life Years.
Panel 3:
Doctor: We take how many years of life the intervention would get you, then we multiply it by the quality of those years.
Panel 4:
Doctor: Your total for this therapy is negative 4,821 years.
Patient: How is that possible?
Panel 5:
Doctor: Modern methods account for the decrement to other people's QALYs resulting from your continued existence.
Panel 6:
Doctor (reading from a clipboard/paper): Saving your life will result in at least a 0.001 per-year decrease in quality for thousands of people.
Panel 7:
Doctor: Your children alone will experience a 0.5 per-year decrease multiplied through years, possibly decades.
Panel 8:
Patient (thoughtful, hand on chin): Interesting. Interesting.
Panel 9:
Doctor: If I understand you right, the problem is blacks and gays.
Patient: Just a moment, adding myself to the Excel sheet.
Votey:
Patient (close-up of his head, smiling slightly): The worst part is total human QALY is negative.
Alt text
A SMBC comic in a vertical grid of panels. A bald doctor in a white lab coat speaks with a seated red-haired patient. The doctor explains the healthcare system won't pay for the patient's therapy because the 'QALYs' (Quality Adjusted Life Years) don't justify it. He says they multiply how many years of life the treatment grants by the quality of those years, and the patient's total comes out to negative 4,821 years. The doctor explains modern methods account for how the patient's continued existence decreases other people's quality of life: saving him causes at least a 0.001 per-year drop in quality for thousands of people, and his children alone will experience a 0.5 per-year decrease over decades. The patient thinks it over, saying 'Interesting. Interesting.' The doctor concludes, 'If I understand you right, the problem is blacks and gays' (i.e., the patient has reasoned himself into bigotry). The patient replies, 'Just a moment, adding myself to the Excel sheet.' Votey (aftercomic): a close-up of the smiling patient saying, 'The worst part is total human QALY is negative.' The joke skewers cold utilitarian quality-of-life accounting sliding into eugenic, prejudiced, and ultimately self-negating conclusions.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.